The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What is serenity? I don't think I ever =eally knew or experienced serenity. It wasn't part of my vocabulary and it =ertainly wasn't
part of my daily life. Until I found al-anon =nd all it had to offer me. Before al-anon my idea of serenity was making sure =veryone was happy. A people pleaser who put everyone's needs and wants before my =wn. This was my way of life and actually thought it
was normal. I was happy as long as everybody =lse was happy.
With my alcoholic husband, my world was =entered around him, neglecting the emotional needs and wants of my own daughter.
For eleven years I lived with the insanity =hat the disease of alcoholism inflicts upon us all the while convinced that it =as me who was doing something wrong to prevent a =appy environment. The belittlementand =motional abuse I endured during that time had become so embedded that I felt unworthy =f love. My self-esteem had hit an all time low. But then one day after a long =tretch of his heavy drinking I finally woke up and said, "enough is enough, I =an't live this way any longer." I had heard of al-anon and thought about giving it = try long before but thought it wasn't for me. I thought I could do it alone. =ut on this particular day I needed some serious help. I couldn't face it alone =ny more.
I went to my first al-anon meeting with =he hopes that I could learn something and apply it to my situation and "fix" the =roblem fast. Entering that room was terrifying for me as I felt that the people =here could not have problems half as bad as mine. I didn't feel comfortable =iring out my dirty laundry in front of strangers. When I sat down there were a =et of cards on the floor with sayings(slogans) on them. The one directly in =ront of me said, "Let it begin with me". I was in awe. Did someone know I was =oming? I sat and I listened and I learned.(Listen and Learn) I learned that I was =ot alone. That there were people in that room who had problems just like I =id, experienced the same pain and anguish that I did and that they were very =comfortable talking about it. Some were even laughing. I wondered how =hey could be laughing when I felt like I was hit by a truck? But as time went by =uring that first meeting and listening to others I noticed they had something =bout them. I now know it is the peace within them for which they found =hrough al-anon. I wanted what they had and discovered a tiny piece of it when =t that first meeting I heard that, "I didn't cause it", "I can't control it", =nd "I can't cure it". Those words alone lifted such a heavy burden from my =houlders. At the end of that meeting I was told to "Keep coming".
That was 11 months ago and I still =ttend those meetings, for each time that I do I am finding more peace within =e. I always find something new to apply to my daily life. Not just with my =lcoholic husband but with everyone I interact with on a daily basis. I am finding =ithin me what those other members were experiencing and I am on the road to =anity. I am finding much serenity in my life and now know what it is and how it =eels. With the al-anon program I now have the strength and courage to take =hose risks and make those choices that I need to make for ME that I was so =fraid to make in the past. I am learning to focus on just ME and that it is =bout "Progress not perfection". I am not perfect and there is no user's =anual to get me where I want to go. I see my life now as a never ending journey with =o set destination. I am grateful for al-anon because without it I would =ot be where I am today. And with the continuous help of both al-anon =nd my Higher power I will get to where I want to be. Only because "I" am worth =it..
HI Malady Thank you for a wonderful insightful share. I had never experienced serenty before alanon and when I first heard about it, I was so much in denial I thought"What is serenity" It sounds so boring!!!
How wrong I was and how glad I am to have stuck around and learned to show up ODAT and Focus on MYself.
It sounds as if we attend the same meeting . I too have those wonderful cardboard slogans looking at me each week as I attend, grow and listen and learn
Thanks for starting my morning with positive energy
Thanks malady. I too wondered what serenity was. I had always wanted inner peace for myself. From my AHSober and from the world. Everything hurt so much. Since being in the program, I think that I understand serenity better (when it is there inside of me) and how to set boundaries to achieve it. I now can tell when I am not serene and how to meditate to get back there (and that it is my responsibility). Wonderful. I attend meetings, read my literature, call my sponsor, and meditate. What a reward from the program of Alanon.
After being in the program for 20 years and also practicing Buddhism for over 26 years, I dont think serenity is about having an ommmmm moment every minute of the day.
Life will always be full of obstacles and challenges that dont have anything to do with the A. Although the challenges of being with or involved with an A can be the most challenging and horrific all at the same time. I dont want to diminish that fact.
I am parted from the XAH, but even before that my goal was to feel at ease. I have found that my peace doesnt exist outside of myself and its not found by any outside influences.
I think thats what were all looking for, especially us spouses or familly members, we know our happiness doesnt depend on some shallow existence, otherwise we would not be here seeking answers.
My prayer and hope for all the members, spouses, Mothers, Fathers, and anyone whose life has been touched by an A to seek and find your peace and your happiness, for that is our birth right. To find that indestructible happiness within us that no one can take from us.
I truly believe this is the goal. Wishing you all strength and Hope and wisdom, luv, Bettina
