The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I finally talked a bit last night after a week of being civil but distant (mostly on my part). He says he has quit drinking again. ( I just found out Monday that he had been drinking again for about 4 months after a year and a half of sobriety. this following successful surgery for prostate cancer.) He can't understand why i am so upset. He says that if I have really researched alcoholism (I have, extensively) then I should know that this is normal behavior and not cause for alarm. ( I DO know that, but it's still alarming to ME). He says he is not ashamed of it, he isn't drinking now, and has no reason to believe he will again. I said that we are getting older, there are going to be more and more health issues, both of our own and of friends and close family members. Am I going to have to worry every time this happens for the rest of my life, along with the other worries that health problems cause? I guess so, and I know that it is my choice as to how I handle that. As much as I love him, I just don't know if I can take living the rest of my life this way. He feels I am really over-reacting. After 10 minutes of talking to him, all the self-confidence I had spent the week building up had faded away. He makes me feel guilty for the way I feel with statements like, "With all the good things in your life, how could you let something like this get you so down?" Even though I KNOW that this is what A's are so good at, this manipulation and making those around them feel guilty for their own behavior, I still let it get to me. Knowing and feeling are 2 very different things.
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time"
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Hmm.... gentle mirror would suggest that you are "going to the hardware store for bread" here, as in.... you're unlikely to get any kind of validation from an active A.... I mean, just listen to the manipulation of his words....
" He says that if I have really researched alcoholism (I have, extensively) then I should know that this is normal behavior and not cause for alarm. ( I DO know that, but it's still alarming to ME)" - wow, if that's not an alcoholic's spin on things - do relapses happen?? yes, but they are not necessarily "common" for people committed to their sobriety, and are ALWAYS cause for alarm (hopefully to the alcoholic)
"He feels I am really over-reacting." - another common tool used by active alcoholics - deflection of their issues & disease back onto others around them.... ie.. it's not my fault, it's YOUR fault....
We need to stop expecting sick and irrational people to behave in healthy and rational ways..... My sponsor used to correct me when I stated that my "wife knew how to push my buttons", and would change that to "you allow her to push your buttons"..... Damn, I hated hearing that, but it was sooooo true.
I wish you well.... you ARE getting better....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I totally understand your fears. I am presently making a go of it with my AH after being separated for 2 months. I feel the same...I want guarantees...and unfortunately they can't promise us anything...and if they do, we can't believe them anyways. This time, my AH DOES seem totally different (he has also just weaned himself off of an anti-anxiety prescription drug and I can see his real, true loving personailty coming through for the first time in ten years. He has only been sober for about 3 weeks though). I am scared I will go back into this relationship and find myself back where we started. This is the way it has always been in the past, try again, relapse, try again, relapse... I just want a crystal ball to tell me that "oh yes, he will relapse once or twice, but it will be shortlived and will not affect your relationship or anything else"...then I could feel safe. If the crystal ball said "Oh yes, he will relapse, it will be a year and a half of binges, verbal abuse, financial hardship and possibly other women"...then I know I'd be getting out the divorce papers immediately. I know we can't ask for guarantees, but I sure wish we could.
I remember those relapses well -- how fearful I would get, and how unconcerned and dismissive my A was. He had supposedly been in AA for months, but the relapses started happening, and he kept saying, "My sponsors says it happens all the time." Yes, it DOES happen all the time, just like binging and drunk driving and passing out happen all the time. But not to people with a determined grip on their sobriety.
In time I saw that my attachment to his sobriety was much greater than his. And that he had absolutely no idea of the impact each relapse had on me, or how unbearable the thought was that he might never stay sober. It's ten years later and he's not sober yet. But I did ask him to leave six years ago, when it was clear that he was only paying lip service to sobriety.
Every case is different. But the question I wish I'd been asked is: What would you do if you knew he would never stay sober?
My experience with those "normal relapses" was to not be so invested in my xah recovery.
Whenever I was watching what the alcoholic was doing, was when I got into trouble and I would start to be an angry resentful person again. That meant I cared more about his sobriety than he did.
This program is about your recovery, not his. I have a saying and it works for me, regarding the A and mostly everyone thats in my life. "Stay in your own lane"....
Wishing you serenity and wisdom and courage. Luv, Bettina
The only advice I can offer is to take care of you and for me that is Al-Anon meetings , get your life back , learn to let go with love and respect and allow him the dignity to live his life the way he chooses while u do the same .. renew old friendships , make new friends , get involved in hobbies , or volunteer work if you get busy taking care of you regardless of what he does YOU will be ok. Your discussions with your husb made me smile , been there done that way too many times ,the alcoholic has all the answers so no point in discussing it with them how many times and how many ways have u tried to let him know that u love him and are concerned ??? they don't hear it . UNtil the alcoholic says what he 's doing is causing him a problem IT ISN'T its causing us a problem .. lectures dont work ,threats dont work , tears don't work your trying to solve a problem that isnt yours to fix . Al-Anon has changed my life and I believe my families . and all I had to do was step aside -- SO GOD COULD GET AT HIM .
wow this is my first time on any al anon site reading what you wrote made me cry,I've been with my AH 6 years we split up once for 2 months however every time he called no matter what I was doing or who I was with,I rushed to answer the call,hopping in my car and driving 60 miles to be with him.He is emotionally draining,no physical abuse,but the emotional is harder to get over,bruises heal.I know he loves me and I love him,but the drinking is really taking its toll after 6 years.His children are addicts,the youngest being 14,and in the WORST condition,but he still wont stop.My days are determened by what time he is going to start drinking n how much.I'm sad most of the time now.I'm very grateful for a site like this,at this time I'm in a neck brace n cant drive so I cant make it to meetings.Thanx to everyone who writes so I can read n relate.Julie
The ex A who I was with for 7 years had many health issues. One was caused by his drinking and drugging. I believe the other was excacerbated by it.
The issue for me was that I had my own serious health issues and the ex A's acting out took center stage. My health issues got minimized and his were upgraded.
He had care from the VA. I did not. At one point he offered to marry me so I would qualify for the VA. I am so glad I did not take up the offer.
One characteristic of alcoholism is the denial. I don't think it is easy to break it and really that realization has to come from within. Of course being next to that is tremendously frustrating.
There is a great book on offer at the top of this page, Getting them Sober. I can't recommend that highly enough.
