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I have been writing here on this forum many times about my alcoholic ex-girlfriend and the fact that we are not supposed to have any contact while she does the steps in AA.
She called me yesterday. And unlike last time, there was no crisis this time. Last time she asked me to help her out with money for her flat and was in a really bad state. She has now control over the money, meaning that she has a bank account just for flat money that she don't touch. She also sounded much better. We spoke for a long time, both about ourselves and even though I was very nervous when she first called I calmed down.
She said that she still get a fix from getting attention from men. Especially men that aren't well themselves. She does see this as a problem. But I didn't lecture her about it. Not because I forced myself not to lecture her, but because I did not feel like it. I have my own ways of fixing that I'm not proud of. And those are where my focus are right now.
It may sound strange, but I feel a bit disappointed as well as proud. Proud because things turned out OK, but disappointed because I didn't feel more than I did. I was really happy to hear from her when she sounded so much better. However I had no urge to tell her that I love her extremely much and that we should get back together.
I wrote yesterday about having had dreams about trying to get back with her, but last nights dreams were different. I know she was in them, but can't remember what it was about and I didn't feel upset in the morning today.
I also have no urges to have more contact with her. Before this, comes the thoughts that I'm doing OK and so is she. Why jeopardise it?
I am very confused about all this. Something have changed. I may not like it at the moment, but something is telling me it's for the best. I miss the strong feelings though... Maybe even the bad ones. How crazy is that?!
She asked me about being friends again. I said that I don't want to promise anything because I don't know how I'm going to feel about it. I also said that I did not know how I would feel after that conversation either.
It's hypocritical of me. I have always been so angry, when she say "I don't know" to my questions. Now I'm doing it myself and I can see why. I'm not well yet and my head can work different from day to day. I can't just tell her what she wants to hear.
Thank you all for being here.
Are
-- Edited by Cosmos on Wednesday 16th of June 2010 06:15:46 AM
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
Just as she needs time away from you, you need this time away from her. And you need to use it to focus as much as you can on you, not your relationship with her, not your feelings for her, just YOU. Try to figure out what you enjoy, what makes you happy, then DO IT. There is a reason that folks who are in AA are asked not to have contact with their significant others during the early part of their recovery. And those same reasons also apply to you: you are going to be on this emotional roller coaster for a while, and it is NOT the time to make any hard and fast decisions. Take it slow, hard as that is. Make up your mind that you are going to concentrate on yourself and the people and things around you that give you comfort and hope. Make a plan for each day. It helps me to make a list each night of the things I want to get done the next day, even simple things like 'make the bed' or 'mail the dentist bill'. I get a great feeling of accomplishment when I mark things off, and at the end of the day, it makes me feel good to look at it and think, well, look at all the things I got done today! God Bless you as you go through this difficult time. Know that there are those who care.
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
I am really doing the best I can. I'm still living on campus at my university. My exams are all done. The only thing I do now is working on a flower project. (Pressing flowers) I'm almost done with that, and the deadline is 25th of June.
I do the things that I can to make me happy. This includes keeping it tidy around me, working out and go running every other day. I don't speak to anyone but people in Al-Anon and my mum. Most of my university friends are just there when we have lectures. They don't live on campus. I have a good friend that lived in the same flat as me, but she has gone home for the summer. The way I see it, I do the things I have to every day now. I feel lonely, but I know that that will pass when I move back to Norway for the summer.
I am usually not very social and get very easily tired of people if they are not close to me. I can see why I should not spend time with my ex-girlfriend from her sponsors point of view. The problem is that I don't even know if I want to any more.
I normally don't keep in touch with old friends. I have moved around a lot and had many good friends, but when a year at school or uni ends, the contact is just naturally broken. This does not bother me very much. But with my ex-girlfriend I'm thinking that since we are not enemies, and we have been so close in the past, it seems like a waste.
Anyway I will have to move back to Norway for good in a year from now, meaning that I will be living in a different country to my ex-girlfriend. Why stay friends then if we cant be in the same place?
I don't think we will get back together and I don't think I want to get back with her either. It would only cause more problems.
As I read about detachment it says that it does not mean that you can't spend time with the person it is about. The main reason for us not to see each other has been that we could not agree about being friends, in a relationship or end contact for good.
If I never see her, how will I know if I want to be friends with her? If I get my life completely back on track and feel fine in Norway, why on earth should I want to contact her then?
My ex-girlfriend said yesterday that her sponsor has said that when we both are ready, we need to have a proper talk about the possibilities of being friends. I disagree strongly here, because deciding something like that when we have no contact is just as impossible as deciding to be in a relationship with someone you don't know.
I am changing now, and so is probably she. I can't possibly know if we can be friends. And the more we change in each our directions, the less likely it is that we will be able to have a sensible conversation, trying to decide if we can be friends.
I have been in long distance relationships, something that requires a lot of effort. A long distance friendship however, seems absolutely pointless to me. The memories we have is from when we were dating. We don't have memories from being friends or just being able to accept each other.
I am so confused now. Normally I would feel bitter because things don't turn out the way I want to. But I don't feel bitter, because I don't even know what I want.
The things I do only for myself is just living the way I see it. I don't feel like I'm on an emotional roller-coaster any more. I do feel peaceful a lot of the time which is what get out of focusing on myself I guess. This is quite a new feeling for me to have. At least over time. But I have yet to find something that I only do for me that make me feel ecstatic. This feeling I have only experienced as a child, because I was easy to please and as an adult in relationships.
I am grateful that I don't feel the need to look out for new potential relationships though. When my ex-girlfriend broke up last summer, this was a big issue for me. I entered dating sites on-line, got in touch with girls from the past... I had crazy fears like: I will never be loved again or that I will never feel the happiness of laying next to a warm body of the person I love.
Now I think my best option, given the circumstances is to be alone. At least I get more time for my hobbies. Oh, yes I forgot to mention that I also play music. I am a drummer, but not in a band at the moment, so I play guitar and sing. Practising on some new songs at the moment. I hope to join a band for the last year I study here in England. But bands can be just as emotionally tricky as relationships, lol. Jealousy, competition resentments, you name it!
The biggest thing in my life since I entered Al-Anon has been Al-Anon. This has given me a lot of faith in myself when it comes to get things done. I have become much better at coping with things as they come. I do the things I'm dreading now instead of putting it off. Partially because I don't want to see the same things repeating themselves on my fears list, lol.
Oh dear. I did not plan to write that much.
Spending time apart from my ex-girlfriend is getting ME somewhere and it is probably getting HER somewhere, but what about WE? We aren't getting anywhere by having no contact. And I fear that that will just be another bomb to drop on me in the future...
Yes I'm not staying in the now... I know, lol
I am not going to contact her today, but if she calls I will answer. I see no reason to block her unless she hurts me in some way or make me obsess.
Are
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
Maybe it's obvious to me because I was away from the boards for a while (on a trip, very limited internet access) but your growth in such a short period of time is absolutely amazing! The last posts I had remembered seeing from you were before/during your exams, when you reported having difficulty studying because you were obsessing about your ex -- and just look at you today.
What I hear now is that you're focusing on your own future, your own dreams and goals, which is just as it should be. You're making things happen for yourself. I see the change, and I think you do too!
Remember that this is a process and give it time. The slogan "Let go and let God (or HP)" helps me a lot with staying in the moment and not pondering the uncertainty of the future.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
When I say I'm starting to feel more peaceful. That comes from my HP. I know it. Sometimes, even though I'm not doing anything in particular I feel like nothing can touch me. Not that I'm some kind of super human, but I feel safe. My heartbeat is normal, I don't rush or stress with anything. And if I do something, I do it in a calm way (which is far more productive than during stress).
The phone-call from my ex-girlfriend did not put me off Al-Anon. On the contrary it made me see that I can handle situations in a different way now than I used to. I believe it's a better way. I know I feel better.
But loosing the big downs seems to mean loosing the big ups in life at the moment too. Well, it's been a while since my big ups anyway, just the downs stayed with me. And living on a straight line where I feel safe is far better
Are
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
Aloha Are...If I read your post like I'm listening to a recovering alcoholic or addict I hear you are putting distance between the drug and yourself and withdrawing nicely from your compulsive addiction. YAY!! Obviously you are doing what you are learning to do for your own peace of mind and soul and serenity. Keep on with your growth and following up on the suggestions given to you. There are others who are finding hope in your recovery. Thanks for sharing it here. (((hugs)))
I had another good nights sleep and today I sent my ex-girlfriend an e-mail, where I explained that I think staying apart until October (when I come back from Norway) is probably for the best. My councillor has suggested this and so have my friends in Al-Anon.
I also wrote that I can't give any promise whether we can be friends or not in the future. October is a long way away and much can change in that time. If we are both ok, maybe we don't even feel it's necessary.
The craziness in my head started growing after I sent that message. I guess it must be how it feel for an alcoholic to pour out the last bottle in the sink. I have a meeting to go to tonight. Thank God! I need it.
I have myself asked her for space! Nothing in the e-mail I sent is about what I really want, but what I think is right. So why do I feel it's all wrong? I feel like I am cutting the last fine threads that connect me to my ex-girlfriend. Any last chances there may be that we can get back together is going away. Is this how it's supposed to be? Is it right to let go, when it hurts so incredibly much?
I feel paralysed. I have sent the e-mail and I can't go back on what I said. And too my head is entering little hopes of her maybe be sad when she see me slipping away, so she might regret her decision. I must truly be crazy!
I have to remember that this is how I have lived the last couple of weeks. I have been fine when she is not in my life. I should be able to keep it up. But from my heart: I miss her like I've never missed anyone before in my life. She is a wonderful girl in so many ways. And If she starts dating another man. He is one lucky guy! Despite the many negative stories I have put up here, I do not regret meeting her. There have been so many good moments too. I have the memories. No one can take them away.
I used to believe that I and my ex-girlfriend was meant for each other. It felt so right in the beginning. I guess I was wrong.
Thanks for being here. I believe if I could not let things out here, they would have been sent in the direction of my ex-girlfriend. That would cause chaos, and that I can live without
Are
__________________
If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
"I also have no urges to have more contact with her. Before this, comes the thoughts that I'm doing OK and so is she. Why jeopardise it?" -Cosmos "She asked me about being friends again. I said that I don't want to promise anything because I don't know how I'm going to feel about it. I also said that I did not know how I would feel after that conversation either."-Cosmos
Hi there, Cosmos. No doubt you are addicted to the chaos, as well as the other people, like I am/was. I am truly codependent but as long as I keep consciously putting me first, detaching form other's issues and feelings, and staying present in this moment, where I can pray and surrender (my sick need of controlling others while ignoring me) having to fix everything and let it go to God. All I have to do is keep doing that, keep continuously practising loving me, respecting me.
It seems what you wrote up there was honest, you dont know how you might feel later. I felt like I was "doing something" when I would sabatoge a relationship or go, get back together with someone unhealthy for me -bc we can and do trigger each other a lot. You have to work on your issues, triggers, feelings, boundaries and relationship with yourself and HP first. Get healthy and then see about the relationship. By leaving it open until October, you are acknowledging both your programs and the both of you. In early recovery it is easier, when you have your own space, I think. I had to put blinders on, to work my program and apply it to my life, I became hyper-focused on it for the first five years. Even still, if I dont focus on me, I am focusing on others. It takes practising. If I am not surrednering to this moment, I find myself projecting into the future, so I have to be pro-active.
If u need a break, take the space and then re-evaluate later. I found, that by not fixing, handling everything that comes up, I can decide later, there is no rush for me in life, as it is the process and not the destination. I can feel happy and peaceful now and I dont have to nail what I want down, I can see how I feel about it first and if it is healthy for me, in my best interest & easy/part of god's plan. I stopped resisting life as much and when god sends something your way, it is often fast, concise & clear. As I surrender to god and let the outcomes go (stop meddling) - I am finding life is easier, gentler & kinder back to me. Changes come easier to, so I know its part of the plan.
I used to force relationships. Now I can see how they unfold naturally and develop. Sure writing that email made the craziness come back, bc u are expecting some kind of reply. Bc you put the idea out there, and u get left feeling vulnerable. Letting go of my expectations and stopping trying to control the outcomes of absolutely everything (which was absolutely exhausting) was very free-ing and a total relief. Now I can enjoy life, instead of being kicked around by it. (Now that Im not controlling the world, I have more energy for living). Respecting myself and loving me, esp by me following my own boundaries, left me feeling better ultimately and peaceful bc I was getting respect on the inside. Accepting others instead of "fixing" them is much more rewarding for ALL, lol. Life is short, so love YOU and expereince how fabulous loving you is! Give YOU your own best love. That one single act, changed my life and my program more than anything. But it all works in concert.
Keep working it, it gets better. Forgive YOU for anything you can. Forgiveness work has allowed me so much growth and healing. I stayed in emotional angst/turmoil for so long. I forgive me for being human (hurt in the first place) and start over. Create a new moment for you and keep turning that over. Take care.
-- Edited by kitty on Friday 18th of June 2010 10:24:56 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Something have changed. I may not like it at the moment, but something is telling me it's for the best. I miss the strong feelings though... Maybe even the bad ones. How crazy is that?!