So it's been quite a while since I have been here and wanted to give a little update on my life...

Oldest daughter remains unmarried and it looks like that is not going to happen.  I got her a cell phone which has been an excellent enforcement tool and she has become much easier to live with.  I have stopped getting into pissing contests with her and we are actually living together without wanting to kill eachother anymore.  Middle child is now acting up.  I guess I just have to accept that it will always be one of them :)  Luckily she is at a friend's house until next Friday so there is peace in the house for a change. 

Ex AH is back in prison again.  I don't remember what the situation was in my last update but I had allowed him to come stay on my couch for what turned into a few months and it really created chaos in the house between him and the girls and was definitely not worth it.  We ended up arguing, he went to stay with his girlfriend in California she kicked him out within 3 weeks and put him on a plane back here and he was back in jail within a week.  Last time I make the mistake of thinking that helping him will end up helping me in any way. 

I am getting to the point where I am happy alone.  I am going out, having fun, I have a good group of friends.  It's a little scary because I am afraid I'm going to get to the point that I'm so set in my own ways that I can't tolerate another person in my life.  I guess that's kind of ridiculous though.  If the right person were to come along I would be very happy to have them.  I am learning that relationships don't have to be black and white.  I don't have to give my soul away, I don't have to fall in love every time, it doesn't have to be all or nothing.  Some is ok.  This is new territory for me and I'm starting to enjoy it. 

I have gotten off track with the weight loss and diet.  Not to say that I'm going the wrong way but I'm just not on it anymore and I'd like to be.  Same with the smoking.  Right now I'm just trying to enjoy every day to the fullest, truly enjoy the time with my kids and not spend every moment telling them what to do and how to do it but just actually get to know the people they really are.  I feel like I have spent way too much time trying to tell them how they are supposed to be and way too little time getting to know who they really are.  I finally accept that they are going to be who they are regardless and my only hope is to try to get a little bit of myself and my values implanted on them while I can.  I'm trying to avoid getting angry over things and laugh at them a lot more.  I'm trying not to judge and condemn and do more directing and let more slide by.  I'm trying to stick to the consequences I set forth and actually make them reasonable and enforcable.  I think I can say it's getting better and I have finally come to accept that I will probably be single at least until they are grown, maybe the rest of my life and if that is the case then so be it.  I don't want the conflict of trying to initiate some guy into our routine, change our routine for some guy, have my kids feeling like he gets more love and attention than they do (as was the case with the last one), etc.  I think my priorities are getting straight and my thoughts and actions are becoming more reasonable.  I just have to love them as much as I can until they go even when they are being completely unlovable!