The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
when I was subsumed in the martyr role, doing far beyond any boundary for the ex A or for my roommates (I cleaned up for a long time), I had no idea how I came across to others. I felt noble, giving and responsible.
Now years into recovery I can see that I alienated many many people when I gave what I didn't have. I also was not being responsible as I absolutely exhausted myself not to mention made myself toxic with resentment.
This is a revelation to me because I could not understand why people didn't like me when I was playing that role. I was absolutly mystified and that fueled my resentment even more.
For me being overly responsible and helpful comes from being an adult child of an alcoholic. Help, help, help, and do, do, do. And then I wondered why no one thanked me. Then I would be resentful. I like what you said about giving what you didn't have.
Oh, I so relate to this. I still find myself doing it, although less and less often. When I start thinking to myself (and grumbling out loud usually) about how I ALWAYS do _____ and another person NEVER does _____ or notices how much I do, I have found that it is time to get to a meeting. I have also found that I need to closely examine my own motives. I do things for other people usually because I want them to like me - not because I particularly want to do the things I do. I do things because I want people to thank me. I do things because I want to use the things I have done as leverage to get what I want. All of these motives ultimately hurt me because when I don't get the outcome I want, I feel secretly angry and resentful.
This is one of the things I am trying to focus most on this year. I exhaust myself because I can't say no, or because nobody asks me and I just assume responsibility for things that don't need to be ALL my responsibility.
I am also go, go, go, and do, do, do. I am rarely still, and trying to relax and do nothing is sometimes uncomfortable. I'm still workin' on it.
It's what we do girlfriend, nice to look at the world with your eyes wide open isn't it? Sounds to me like you are ready to take control and start living.
I'm another ACoA and would run myself ragged on the "do, do, do" hamster wheel, patting myself on the back for being so noble and unselfish, building up gigantic resentments all the while. Afraid that my SO wouldn't like me if I asked him to pull his own weight, or complained.
Many thanks for the mirror, maresie! I need to be reminded how unhealthy this behaviour is in order to work on getting rid of it.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I am so absolutely horrified that I went around like that. I really can see I had absolutely no self esteem to speak of. I am shocked, horrified, angry and a long long way from compassion. No wonder I had such a difficult time doing anything if I had no self esteem to speak of.
The same goes for me and thinking about telling other people how they should be living their life. I know I get very upset now when people do that to me.
I also was not being responsible as I absolutely exhausted myself not to mention made myself toxic with resentment.
Boy can I relate to this, martyr was my middle name for a long time, I thought I was the only one who could do stuff, (unasked and uninvited mostly of course) and boil with resentment when stuff remained un-acknowledged. Life is so much easier these days!!
