The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been reading posts on this board for a while now, and just haven't been able to bring myself to join in until now. Here's a little background: I live with my alcoholic boyfriend of 6 years. We are both in our mid-30's and we do not have any children. He runs his own business, and I have a 9-5 job in a separate industry. In the beginning I just looked past his drinking - our relationship was new and fun, and I admit I was right there partying with him and his friends. However, as the years have gone by, my patience has worn thin with the nightly binges, excuses, lying, and destruction of property due to "accidents". Most of all, I don't like how I have changed - I am bitter, I have withdrawn myself from my friends and family, I am embarrassed, and I am resentful. He is a great person when he is sober, but I am so tired of constantly worrying, anticipating the mistakes he's going to make, and getting worked up about it when he fulfills my prophecies. I admit I'm an A-Type personality - I am stubborn, like to have things my way, and get extremely irritated when things don't go the way I think they should. I can be a bit controlling at times, especially when I feel like I am losing control. I know in my head that I can't control his behavior, but my impulses take over and boy do I ever try! Our relationship has deteriorated badly over the past 12 months - it is driving me crazy, and he doesn't take any action to try to work with me on making things better, but he won't let me go either. I feel trapped.
I've tried explaining how I feel about his drinking in every way, shape, and form you can imagine - in a calm, rational way; screaming and kicking; crying - you name it, I've done it. I've threatened to kick him out (we live in my house), threatened to call the police when he's driving around drunk, threatened him with canceling planned trips and vacations (that I know he's looking forward to doing) - and of course none of this has worked. I want to move forward with my life - get married, have a family, have someone in my life that respects me and respects himself, and I know I can't achieve this right now. Again, I come back to the word trapped - I feel helpless to make any changes in my own life, because I am letting him get in the way. And it's always easier to say "Just leave him" than it is to actually do it.
So all of this to ask: Where do I start? I'm admitting to myself that I need to go to a face-to-face meeting - there are several in my area, and one that seems to have a Beginner's Meeting prior to the regular meeting, so I think I'll start with that one. Unfortunately, I won't be able to go for a couple more weeks due to my work/travel schedule. Is there any advice anyone can give in the meantime? I read about the Detaching with Compassion approach - and I think I'm going to have a hard time with that one. Detaching has never been my strong suit - I tend to hold on until I get my way, regardless of how it may hurt me or anyone else in my path. Not good. Today I just blocked his cell from calling my phone - is that Detaching?
I don't know how much more I can take. I have a hard time talking to anyone about this - only one of my friends even has an inkling that things are like this, but she doesn't know all the details. Thanks for listening - I needed to vent a little, and it makes it real by writing this stuff down.
Since you are unable to get to a f2f meeting any time soon, how about picking up the book Getting Them Sober by Tobey Rice? It has helped countless others. It helped me at a time when I was at my wits end. It continues to help me keep things in perspective.
Also, blocking his calls isn't detaching. You say that you feel bitter & resentful and that you're constantly worrying. When you've detached, you won't feel this way. Detaching (for me)was a process and continues to be to a certain extent.
You recognize your feelings; that is a good start. Begin the journey of recovery. There is hope. Consider getting the book mentioned above and get yourself to a meeting ASAP.
You are not alone. Come back to this board to read, contemplate and post as needed. Gail
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 13th of June 2010 03:05:49 PM
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 13th of June 2010 03:07:11 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I'm glad you found the courage to speak (type) up. I was at the end of my rope by the time I could finally reach out to this board. It has proved to be one of the best things I ever did for myself.
Yes, everything sounds very familiar. I had alot of the same wishes for the future and did everything possible to try to get a partner to live it with me from my xAh. None of my ideas worked. But I did thru meetings and MIP find a way to live with the disease in a peaceful way and to take care of myself. Eventually my xAh was drinking 24/7 and both our lives changed dramatically. All of the tools and support I recieved from the program helped me to get thru those changes and more. Keep coming back.
Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place. You have lots of choices. One being going to face to face meetings, learn all you can about alcoholism, read the literature, and grab some of the tools. For me, I have to pile it on me to get through it. Focus on yourself.
You are in the right place. The beginner face to face sounds like a wonderful idea to me. In the mean time there is much knowledge and compassion here. If you have not lived it you can not realize it. We have all been where you are.
you are not alone....please remember that...first thing is first and you are taking that step...your recovery is up to you and his recovery is up to him.....welcome dear sister...please keep coming back.
Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions....I did buy "Getting Them Sober" yesterday and started reading it last night. It's almost like some of the situations I've read about so far were pulled from my experiences - it's sad and comforting at the same time to know that what I'm going through is not unique.
I've always been a little hesitant to post on message boards, but I think this is a little different. Just knowing that I'm not alone is comforting. I'll continue to post as needed - it has already made me feel better to get this off of my chest. And even though my ABF was sitting outside in his car last night drinking alone, I didn't allow myself to get mad about it and confront him like I normally do. It felt better just to let it go. I know this is just the beginning, and it's going to be a lot of work to get myself to a better place, but I'm glad to be here.
Oh boy, does it sound familiar! Not only the description of your BF's behavior, but also of your own character-stubborn, want things your way, controlling at times. Sounds just like me. Even though I'm still that way to a certain extent, I learned that it did me no good in dealing with my AH. Learning to detach saved my sanity. I had a hard time understanding it, and a harder time doing it. But it got easier with practice. A F2F meeting would be great. But since you can't get to one right away you might want to attend one of the online meetings here. I've found them to be a help and a comfort. Reading the literature is a big help too. I really got a lot out of ¨How Alanon Works¨, and ¨Getting Them Sober¨, among others. Good for you for not confronting him last night. Yes, it's only a beginning but you have to start somewhere. I'm so glad you found this place. Keep coming back, you're not alone.
When I was going through a similar situation 2 years ago with my alcoholic husband of 30 years, I found it very helpful to read all the books I could get my hands on that helped me understand alcoholism, as well as books written for the families of alcoholics. Talking things over with my closest friends made me realize that the problem was HIS, not mine, and helped me to feel better about myself. However, what really got me through the 6 month nightmare before he finally agreed to get help through AA was reading and re-reading the 12 steps, particularly the first 3. The steps sound so simple when you first read them, but when you really try to put them into practice, you realize you were only 'skimming'. If you can actually put them into practice, your life WILL change for the better.
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Hi Dixie and welcome to the board. I am a few years further down the line than you having turned 40 this year and as you see from my status I am a newbie on the board. I am not a newbie to alanon though. I too have been right where you are. Reading your post and your situation, it was like looking at my past life all over again - the situations are virtually identical. I went to my first face to face before reading any literature and I had no idea what to expect. I just called the number and got details of the nearest meeting and went. It felt like something of a first date - I remember being really nervous and feeling quite sick but a woman agreed to meet me and take me into it so that I didn't have to face it alone. Dixie, I have to say that I broke my heart and cried like a baby at my first meeting. I took up a lot of time 'getting it all out' and I didn't understand the first thing about the 12 steps or even that alcoholism was a disease. When I look back, I now truly believe that alanon saved my life. It certainly saved my sanity. I had gotten to the stage where I was in a constant state of anxiety and had withdrawn from any normality - friends, family and suchlike because I was struggling to keep things afloat at home. Taking strong pain killers just to get to sleep - it is no way to live and I know that now. Immerse yourself in literature and make every effort to get to a face to face - go to as many as you can possibly attend. Work the steps even if you don't understand them, and reach out to your higher power in whatever form you see it. I too am controlling but I realised that with all my stubbornesss, I could never control alcoholism - drink will always win over if we let it do so. detaching is the biggest but most important lesson I learned because with detachment comes space to start living your life. And living your life does not mean you have to stop loving the A. Keep coming back here, read all you can and attend meetings. You will gain a greater and deeper understanding of yourself and others which in turn will enable you to find the answers (with the help of your own higher power). There is a brighter, saner future for you and you have taken the steps to find what it may be. Love liza xx
I know you posted this a few weeks ago, but I hope you get this reply.
Reading your post sounded like something I would have written two years ago. (First, I am also in my mid 30s) I bought a house with my then boyfriend of 2 years. I overlooked his drinking and partied with him for the first year. Then, I began to see that his behavior was destructive and his personality was also destructive-- to me. We finally ended it-- he finally moved out, but I cannot tell you (though I know you understand) the hours I spent crying over his lies, actions, words of hurt, and then his crawling back to me promising he would change, etc etc etc. I kicked him out more times than I could count. He never left. I wound up hating him-- and to this day, I hate him. It's awful- a terrible feeling, but the kind of hurt I experienced with him was worse than any hurt in my life.
I am rambling here-- but I think what I want to say to you is that you need to get out. I also became a recluse-- in fact, I didn't even tell any of my friends or family what was really going on. When we broke up, I finally started telling people, but it took me three months to tell my parents. They were shocked.
The Alanon meetings SAVED MY LIFE AND MY SOUL. I should have been going long before we broke up. I cannot tell you how awesome the people are at the meetings-- they will become your family after your first introduction and they will make you feel like you have hope-- you HAVE TO take care of you. You come first. Try to accept that you have no impact on his or his choices and that he is sick-- and you cannot make him better. But-- you can make yourself better. Start by going to meetings... tell a close friend... take a friend with you! I did! I cried and cried through my first few meetings, and then, I started to laugh. I would leave and feel like I had purpose in life. I cannot say enough good things about my time in those meetings. Do not waste another day worrying about him and losing yourself in the process. Do it for you.
Everything you are talking about is familiar to me. I wish I could take you out of this situation, but I can't. You are the only one in control. I will tell you this-- to this day (we broke up 2 years ago) I still have hate for myself -- WHY did I stay with him? Why did I let him treat me that way? I am still in therapy because I really want to know what role I played and why I put up with that. I am a successful, attractive, strong female. So I really have to take some responsibility for staying in that destructive relationship.
I hope that this helps-- I think going to a meeting will change your life. It did for me. They will teach you how to live with him or how to move on without him.
