The material presented
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level.
Very frustrated here in Steeler Town and for once, it's not because of Big Ben.
My wife (who just finished her 2nd month-long rehab a few weeks ago) and I had our 11th anniversary yesterday. Our plan was for her to take antabuse once a week per prescription with me to administer it every Sunday. She hasn't been "working her program" since departing rehab this time. She's put all her eggs in the medicinal basket, with anti-anxiety meds like lexapro and particularly zanax.
My big issue is our 3 boys, aged 10, 8 and 6. They don't know anything is wrong, other than Mommy sleeps all the time. She started sleeping a lot this week, but blamed it on problems with her Zanax.
I should have known something was wrong last Sunday when she said that she had "already taken her Antabuse herself."
This past Wednesday afternoon, she didn't answer her cell phone (hmm, a telltale sign of sleeping while intoxicated) a couple of times. Then I found a bunch of empty 6 ounce wine bottles in her drawer and got mad at her, throwing them on the floor. She then angrily took 2 antabuse pills in front of me. (I'm wondering if she didn't take something else instead).
Thursday and Friday she slept most of the time, blaming things on Zanax once again, all with a vague alcohol scent on her breath.
And then Saturday (yesterday), she was great all day and pleasant to be around, until about 2 pm, when she became a bit looped, started having the hiccups (yet another tell-tale sign) and I found two empty wine bottles in an area that I had just cleaned out in her room.
I am so freaked out by this stuff, I don't know what to do. I can't raise our 3 kids by myself, because I have a busy job and am self-employed. If we didn't have kids, my life would be extremely simple. I'd have filed for divorce YEARS ago and moved on. If I leave, then the courts would award her some form of custody, and I can't trust her with the kids.
Appreciate any insight. I am TOTALLY new to Al-anon btw and have only attended one meeting in my neighborhood some months ago, but which I found extremely helpful.
So glad you are here. I am in a similar (but a little different) situation. The people here are fabulous and have been so encouraging. My husband just got out of rehab on Friday, and when I picked him up from the airport last night he was drunk. :( He relapsed the day he got out.
I know you are at your wit's end. That's precisely where I am. It is so maddening. Right now, all I can say is keep coming here and keep going to the face-to-face meetings (I went to my first one yesterday and it was very insightful).
I don't have much else to offer, other than I totally understand where you are coming from. I've got two kids of my own, one of which is 9-months-old (tomorrow) and a stressful job too. I'm not sure where you live, but it is definitely possible (and safest) for you to get custody of your boys - if that's the decision you end up making. It will not be easy by any means, I know, but you can and will make it.
I am so sorry for the pain, anger and frustration you must be feeling right now. But, realize there is nothing you can do to help her if she is unwilling to help herself. That's something I came to realize yesterday at my meeting.
Wish I could give you a hug right now, you really need it.
My XAH, Has been to rehab four times in the past and each time drank on his way home. One stint was for two weeks under lockdown because he was talking suicide.
It has been my experience that they have to want to stop. I know having children must be the worst time for you. Shows you how much an alcoholic is willing to give up to get high. My X has just stopped drinking in the past 8 months and he still had a 1/2 a beer with great consequences yesterday. I was with him 26 years with active drinking.
Continue Alanon for you and stick with your higher power so you can find a solution your comfortable with for you and your children. They are priority as Im sure you know.
Dont fret over the A, it doesnt do any good . Take care of yourself and what you want. Keep coming back, because it works for you.
Wishing you strength and courage. luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 13th of June 2010 12:04:25 PM
My plan not working , sorry shawne it made me smile , there is a little joke in my area , Know how to make God laugh ? tell him your plans for the day . I dont mean to make light of your dilema but anything u do will only add chaos to the confusion , your wife is an alcoholic they drink -- period . rehab wont work unless theyare ready to quit . the decission is thiers - we cannot make the decission for them . Your sons need to be safe and home with a practicing alcoholic is not the way to keep them safe , perhaps u could make arrangments for kids to go to a relatives or freinds house after school , they count on us to keep them safe . I was told that anything I did to try and make him stop was doomed to fail , because i was trying to solve a problem that had nothing to do with me . I get really annoyed when a doc puts the responsibilty on the non drinker , dispensing pills she is not a child again the decission is hers . I do know if she is taking antibuse and drinking she will become violently ill and turn a terrible red color , this is dangerous and she could end up having a heart attack as it raises blood pressure . If your not already please find a Al-Anon group in your area , usay your busy but this will make your life so much easier our kids deserve one sane parent so do it for them , we have alot of men in our groups now , our prgram is for you has nothing to do with her . please check out some meetings , your family is worth it ... It only takes one person to create change , and if you want change u have to be willing to create it . good luck Louise
Not one thing you can do about her, she is going to get high, or drunk by any means she wants to if that is what she wants.
And where would you be without those 3 wonderful boys????????? They need you and you wheather you know it or not need them.
You have to get yourself well. Please go to meetings they help so very much....and there is so much help, love and understanding right here...welcome home.
She is your addiction as xanax and booze is to her.....I will keep you in my prayers please remember those boys need their dad.......
From one Steeler Country Fan to another, where there is life there is hope....hang in there and please start working a program for you.
You said, your plan didn't work it's not going to she has to have a plan and do it all on her own as you do my friend.
I know how scary it is to think that your marriage might not work out. How would you raise the kids? I know it's not simple, and it's not ideal, but think what you happen if she were hit by a bus, or ran off to Timbuktu, or went to jail, or... It would not be simple but you would do it. You would hire an au pair (if you are in the U.S. they are around $14,000 per year for incredible amounts of childcare), or an afterschool babysitter, or find a daycare, or trade childcare with other parents. My son was two when I split up with my ex, and I have a more than fulltime job. Over the years I arranged to trade childcare with other parents, and for the last year haven't paid a penny. Getting it all in place is hard, but it's not impossible. Those kids must know something is wrong (children know a lot more than they let on -- they know when something is a "no-go" area). You're the only one able to look out for them now. If you stay with your wife, I hope you can do so because she's clean and sober, not because you feel you don't have a choice. Addiction shows all of us that we can be stronger than we ever thought we could.
Thanks to all for the input. Btw, no doctor suggested that I administer the antabuse; that was my idea to reassure myself that she would be okay with the kids.
Anyway, last night, we had yet another confrontation, as I believed she drove with the kids in the car after drinking. She claims she hasn't drunk, but that all of her meds are not working properly.
Interesting thought, Andrea12, as follows: "She is your addiction as xanax and booze is to her"
Sadly there are many of us who can relate to what you are going through. My xAH also relapsed immediately after returning from rehab in '05. I struggled to help him for 3.5 more years because I didn't want my marriage to end, we had a young daughter, I didn't know how I would manage financially, I was afraid he would kill himself if I left, etc., etc.
Until I was ready to make a decision, I didn't make one, and that was okay. It's also okay for you to make decisions when you are ready to make them, and only when you are ready.
A couple of questions I asked myself include, "Can I imagine making a life with him after our child is grown," and "As my child gets older, what effect is his alcoholism going to have on her?"
We have been apart for 1.5 years now. He has been sober since the day we split up. It hasn't been easy, but for me it was the right decision to make. Sometimes when the ship is sinking, the only thing you can do is swim for shore.
I am not trying to tell you what to do in any way, only sharing with you a bit of my journey. Please keep reading the board, attend meetings, and read the literature. Eventually the program will help you make clear decisions. It works if you work it.
I am raising three kids totally by myself with no financial support from their addict father. I am not stronger or smarter than you, I'm pretty sure of that. Mind you it's very hard, sometimes I work 3 jobs. This year I'm going to school for my master's and working 2 jobs.
Here's my take on what you said and it is probably not what you want to hear but it is from my experience. The plan that you called "our" plan is "your" plan, her actions speak that it is not "her" plan. There is only one person in this life that you can control the actions and behavior of and that is you, and a lot of times even that is almost impossible. Expecting to control someone else, to change them, to make them behave the way you think they should is a futile effort.
Everyone has different reasons for staying, leaving or whatever they choose to do. I know for me personally, it was easier to stay for a long time. It is a monumental task to raise 3 kids completely alone (and I'm talking living 3000 miles from family alone). As long as you keep a positive attitude and accept help from people when it is available and are not afraid (or too proud) to ask then things have a way of working out as they should. I had to do a lot of growing up after leaving my ex, I took on responsibility that I would never have imagined I could handle and faced fears like failure, being alone, being a bad parent, being really poor and on and on and am still going strong almost 5 years later.
Lately I try to think am I trying to change who this person is, trying to get them to do something they don't want to do, etc. This helps me think about where I'm coming from and what my behavior is. Trying to get someone to be who you want them to be rather than who they are is the heart of our problem here (in my opinion anyway). As for addicts, you can either accept that they are an addict and love who they are OR you can leave and pick up the pieces. There is always the third option of continuing to live with them but living your own life and leaving them to live theirs but that's pretty difficult when you are married and financially/legally responsible for their actions.
What I am most worried about is the safety of my three kids. For example, yesterday I came home from work at 5 pm only to find my house a complete mess with mud all over the kitchen floor (from an outside project that my AW made a mess from). Disconcertingly, the kids (ages 10, 8 and 6) told me that when they arrived home from school at 4 pm, they found the house door locked. They rang the doorbell many times, all to no avail. My 10 year old tried to climb up onto a second floor porch roof (praise God, that he was unable to do that!). Finally, they had to climb through the screened-in porch somehow and got into the house.
The kids then went to our 3rd floor, only to find dear 'ol Mom sound asleep.
When confronted about it, she lied (big surprise), saying that she was hard-at-work in our basement.
