The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He's been going to AA twice a week for about two months, all the while still drinking. I knew he wasn't really working the program, but figured at least he was where he needed to be for at least two hours out of his week and that he might pick something up. All this time he's said, "Yeah, AA is great. I love the people. I'm going to keep going."
Then, out of nowhere, he decides he's not going to go anymore and it's not for him. Instead, get this, he's implemented a new running routine and has quit smoking. This is crazy, right? Since when is running and the cessation of smoking the cure to alcoholism? Doesn't it just treat some of its symtoms? I haven't said anything to him either way (I stopped asking questions a long time ago) and I can't find it in my heart to be supportive of his choice. The only way I'll know he's actually getting serious about getting sober is by going to AA and WORKING the program. Is it not ok to think this way? Is my thinking this way part of my need to control and have him do what I think he needs to do to get better? I guess some people do it on their own, but it just seems like he's creating chaos instead of taking sobriety seriously. I guess I wanted to see what you all thought about this because I feel kind of nasty for writing off his "new approach", but at the same time I really do think I'm right and I don't want to be hurt or suprised when I find out I am.
He's been going to AA twice a week for about two months, all the while still drinking. "
The only way I'll know he's actually getting serious about getting sober is by going to AA and WORKING the program.
HI Zhotdogs
I hear your pain and understand how very upsetting all this can be. It is clear that his going to aa and drinking is not working for him anymore so he has decided to try another "softer easier way". AA will tell you that they do not have the corner on sobriety and if someone can get sober another way Bless them.
We in alanon need to stay focused on our own recovery . We need to attend meetings, get a sponser, work the Steps and then find some clarity for our own lives.
We can find our recovery and happiness regardless of what the As in our lives are doing.
Ah the need to be right I remember it well - In our literature it says we don't have the right to choose a method of recovery for anyone but ourselves , yes some people can stop on thier own no support , but I like you was scared to death thinking that husb couldnt do it with out AA . Fear that it may go back to the way it was , many have worked the AA program for yrs and still gone back out to try one more time ,so no guarantees here .. You dont mention if your attending Al-Anon for yourself , if not already i hope u consider going for me it was the best way to support my husb efforts at sobriety , kept me out of his stuff cause i was busy fixing me and getting my life back on track . First attempt at sobriety my husb did it alone he lasted 8 m onths no support it was worse than the drinking days , he left our home and went out again for another 6 months almost killing him self in the long run , if I had not had Al-Anon working in my life I would have gone nuts , worrying plotting to get him to AA etc . when my husb decided he couldn't do this anymore he went to AA reg for 6 yrs 3 times a week and he stayed sober , then he went down to one meeting a week ,after 18 yrs he quit going to meetings and that old fear came back for me , but I let go one more time and stayed out of his decission. I still go to my meetings , regardless of what he does I know that I will be okay. I have support from people who have been where I am at .. so far so good .. go to meetings work your program and take care of you. Let go and let God take care of husb . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 9th of June 2010 03:45:06 PM
My exAH recently said that AA doesn't work for him and that his drinking was worse after he went to a few meetings ... he's not going anymore, he's just "trying not to drink by staying too busy." Lol - I was talking about that with my AH, who works an AA program, and he said, "Yup, AA puts a damper on drinking!"
I don't think you're wrong to feel any particular way. Your feelings are your own, and you are entitled to have them - whatever they are.
You have learned to stop asking questions or reacting - so good for you!! Just keep on with your program!! The best news is that your program is working despite anything else going on around you.
What hotrod said... focus on our own recovery, leave the A to his.
Hotrod has another good point. Going to meetings and drinking doesn't have a very good track record. What I heard was:
1. Don't drink. 2. Go to meetings. 3. Call your sponsor 4. Read the Big Book.
There is an extra word in #1... "don't" - of course this isn't something you can use as a club over your A's head, he obviously doesn't want to hear it right now. If he gets sober in AA someday, it will be part of his story. I've heard from many, many people who tried to drink and do AA at the same time. I'm glad I didn't try it.
I know some people who have stopped drinking but I wouldn't say that they have a great quality of life. There are some people who can "quit" without AA. The program seems to help people stay sober.
One of my friends in AA quit on his own several years before coming to AA. He didn't drink, but he was miserable. As I think I would have been, had I managed to quit drinking without AA for any period of time.
I've always said that I if my AH got sober and OK with himself, I really wouldn't care HOW he did it. Through AA, through rehab, through counseling, through church... even if he made friends with some bum on the beach and that bum showed him the path to sobriety. Whatever the path, it's God's divine plan, not mine.
I agree that AA doesn't hold the only means to sobriety - but it seems to be one of the better paths.
In any case, I can't chose the path to sobriety for my AH. It's his choice, not mine. The only choices I get to make in my life are the ones that help ME to be okay.
Its not enough to just stop drinking. I know a few people that just stopped cold turkey and didnt drink again, but they were miserable people, because just stopping does not equate a change in the spirituality of the A. There always in a bad mood.
Alcohol seems to devoid the addict of any spirituality, it seems in order for sobriety to stick, there needs to be an overall change of attitude, especially one of gratitude and service. My Xah has been in AA now for two years, he is not drinking, and yes his behavior is more respectful, because the alcohol is out of his system, he is nice toward other people, but he hasnt gone out of his way to help another A. Thats when I will really know that he is serious about stayin sober. We will see. I hope for his sake he does. Its not up to me.
There are other alternatives for reaching sobriety. It took two for my recovery , Alanon and my Buddhist faith., I needed both.
I think that what upsets me the most is that he's not getting help for the illness itself. He lies constantly and seems to live this hidden life. Running won't help repair it, and the manifestations of his drinking are the real reasons why I am planning on leaving him. Plus, if his program were working I should think it WOULD be difficult. But he's bright as bright can be, and to me that means he's still drinking.
But you're all right, I shouldn't even be focusing on what he's doing. It's none of my business and his path is just that: HIS. I've been working a lot on Step 4, and in thinking of my own motivations on things have come to the conclusion that some part of me doesn't want him to stop drinking and get on the right road because I'm planning on leaving. It would make it easier for me if he didn't stop, it's like I could say, "Well he wasn't even trying." Even if he has stopped and has started his own path to recovery, I know it won't be enough to make me stay. His path is long and if I stay his disease will take me with him.
Thanks for everyone's support. I really appreciate the honest feedback. AA isn't the only way to stop drinking and I need to face my own motivations and my own part in this disease. Thank God for Alanon.
I've always found it helpful to have a realistic idea of whether what my A said matched up with reality. At first I believed him when he said, "It's under control" and "I don't mind stopping, no problem, I don't need AA to do that," and so on. Then I started looking at what he was doing (still drinking) rather than what he was saying. And noticing that all his attempts to control his drinking by himself, with all the crazy things he did (like taking a bunch of vitamins because supposedly that would make him sober, etc etc). And finally I realized that he was just fooling himself. But he was no longer fooling me.
So my experience is that it's good to be aware that even if the A says he's going to do X, Y and Z and that will make him get sober, that can be a very unrealistic plan if a recovery program isn't in place. Sure, some very few people do just get sober on their own. Some tiny subset of that probably gets sober and emotionally healthy on their own. But how likely is it? It's good when we don't expect things that are extremely unrealistic. Like that running and stopping smoking is a realistic sobriety program.
If my A had some plan like that, I'd figure he was saying, "I'm not ready to face the real work of getting sober, but I'm not going to admit it to myself or anyone else. So I'm going to dance around it for a while and pretend I'm doing something constructive. I'm even fooling myself!" And that would be what I had in front of me to deal with.
At that point all we can do is re-focus on our own recovery, right? The first step keeps coming back and coming back.
anymore so he has decided to try another "softer easier way". AA will tell you that they do not have the corner on sobriety and if someone can get sober another way Bless them. 
Ah the need to be right I remember it well - In our literature it says we don't have the right to choose a method of recovery for anyone but ourselves , yes some people can stop on thier own no support , but I like you was scared to death thinking that husb couldnt do it with out AA . Fear that it may go back to the way it was , many have worked the AA program for yrs and still gone back out to try one more time ,so no guarantees here .. 
- of course this isn't something you can use as a club over your A's head, he obviously doesn't want to hear it right now. If he gets sober in AA someday, it will be part of his story. I've heard from many, many people who tried to drink and do AA at the same time. I'm glad I didn't try it. 