One of my group of friends recently asked the rest of us to please share any and all experience we have with dealing with a recovering alcoholic. Her husband has just recognized his disease, and is starting his path to recovery. Another of the group, who is a recovering alcoholic, sober for about 30 years, gave her this wonderful response. This woman has been on both sides of the fence -- she was also married to an abusive AH. I think her response really gives great insight into what a recovering alcoholic goes through, and what we, the loved ones of the alcoholic, go through. I just wanted to share it with you all.

Here goes:

Question: Please share any/all experiences with recovering alcoholics.

Answer:

Well, I am one, and I do it for a living, so....

Early sobriety is difficult for everyone. Working a REAL recovery program,as I tell my kids and my AA sponsees, is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life.  

From the alcoholic's perspective:
It's PHYSICALLY uncomfortable -- his body is detoxing, everything hurts, his skin doesn't fit, his nerves are on fire, his emotions are roaring around without the alcohol to dampen them down, and it feels like he's ready to jump right out of his skin.  

It's EMOTIONALLY uncomfortable:   One of the hardest parts of working a recovery is seeing what a mess one has made of one's life.   The default option for dealing with remorse, discomfort, unpleasant realities is drinking, but if that door is truly closed, then the alcoholic is to the point of learning a whole new set of coping skills at a time when he is least prepared to do so. Alcoholics become very adept at lying to themselves, and recovery requires them to be brutally honest - and it hurts.   Alcoholics become people that neither they nor anyone else really likes, and facing that, taking responsibility for it, and doing the work of changing it is darned difficult. It requires a lot of courage.

It's RELATIONALLY uncomfortable -- whether anyone admits it or not (and denial is a deeply ingrained part of the addictive process), the alcoholic has developed an extremely dysfunctional system of communication and relating to the people around him/her, and they have also developed unhealthy patterns of relating as part of the dance of dysfunction.   This part is uncomfortable for everyone, as the patterns that have developed will NOT sustain an alcoholic in sobriety and will NOT lead to healthy new   beginnings, so everyone has to change.   The alcoholic's family members discover how much of their thinking and perceptions are warped by the disease, and the alcoholic who is truly taking responsiblity for himself changes the game for everyone. It's hard on relationships, because alcoholics tend to attract codependents, who are as reluctant to give up their unhealthy patterns as the alcoholic is to put the plug in the jug.   So it takes a huge commitment and a lot of work and honesty from everyone to get everyone through it.

The physical cravings for alcohol don't last too long -- the physical withdrawal/detox part should be over in about a year. By that time, the alcoholic will feel MUCH better physically and be thinking much more clearly.   The emotional/relational work of recovery takes a lifetime.   Step Ten -- taking a daily inventory and promptly correcting one's course when the stinking thinking creeps in -- is vital. Overlooking the maintenance steps leads to "dry drunk" episodes where the alcoholic slips into the thinking and behavioral patterns surrounding drinking, and life can be just as crazy sober as it was drunk.  

Recovery truly is like that proverbial onion -- there are always more layers. The roots of alcoholism lie in habits of thinking and ways of dealing with life, with emotions, with other people, and those things are darned hard to change. It's not a linear process. Alcoholics in early sobriety frequently relapse -- back to square one.   It also requires that one be far more rigorous with oneself than the "normies" get to be -- an alcoholic or a recovering codependent can't afford to indulge in bad moods, poor coping skills, or stinking thinking, because it can lead to relapse.   Ultimately this is a good thing -- the very best people I know are recovering alcoholics and addicts.

Recovery also requires the alcoholic AND the codependents to detach and focus on themselves. It takes patience -- the alcoholic has to earn trust back slowly, people won't automatically forgive and forget, and the codependent has to gradually learn to let go of that controlling, hypervigilant fixation on the alcoholic and take responsibility for their OWN life. Things don't get better instantly or automatically just because the plug goes in the jug... and sometimes people grow at different rates in the process, sometimes the codependents are too invested in the dysfunctional system, and relationships fall apart.   Ideally they get restructured along healthier lines, but not always.

The alcoholic is basically a case of arrested development -- at the point that the using crosses the line to abuse and addiction, emotional and social development stops. So there are a lot of newly sober 40 year old teenagers out there, who are having to play catchup on learning social skills and coping skills.   That becomes apparent to the alcoholic and to the family members, and it can be uncomfortable.

Recovery wisdom, though, is profoundly applicable to ALL areas of life, and truly living a recovery lifestyle opens one up to tremendous joy, tremendous growth, and tremendous intimacy.

It's rough at first, and one has to be very vigilant and willing to own responsibility for one's own part in the mess -- everyone does.   But eventually joy begins to creep in from all sides, and by about the 2 year mark, no one will believe how good life can be, and the temptation to backslide and pick up again will fade more and more.   One of the greatest benefits of recovery is learning GRATITUDE -- and that attitude really colors the whole world.

As I said, it's not an easy or uncomplicated process -- but the alternative is hell, and the rewards of TRULY working a good recovery are beyond measure. You get your life back, full measure, pressed down, and running over with joy, with gratitude, and with love.