My sister in law has managed to hold down a job for most of the 6 years she has lived here.  That is about all I can say that is good about her.

She is extremely neglectful of the kids.  One of the girls is severly autistic and is not completely potty trained.  If she has an accident, the mother will usually let her sleep in her own filth.  My brother gets home from work after 9 and has to wash the child, change the sheets and clean the walls.
If the child leaves a trail of poopy clothes around the house, the mother won't pick them up.  She will light some incense!
And lasy week my mother provided 45 hours free childcare from Sunday through Friday.  One Saturday she wanted to just take the child to Special olymics and bring her straight home instead of watching the child all week end, too.  The mother said she would not be home to watch the child when my mom got home!  So my mom found her at one of her favorite fast food places (with wifi) and delivered the child to her.  The my SIL put up such a fuss someone actually called the police on her!  She was screaming obcenities at my mom because she didn't want to take care of her own child!

She cares about what people think of her.  She has tried hard in the past to keep up a good front.  That is what was so wild about this Saturday!  She showed her hateful self in front of everyone!  The people at McDonalds were talking about the crazy lady who tried not to even take her own child, then rammed the car of her mother in laws!  I wonder if she is losing touch with reality! 

Supposedly she is not drinking.  Is this just a dry drunk?  Is she getting mentally ill?  Or is she partaking in some more powerful substance?

Anyway, I am tempted to just hate her instead of caring but detatching.

I wouldn't be surprised if alcohol or some other substance were still involved.  The strain of an autistic child is hard enough for anyone, but for someone whose method of coping has always been substance abuse...  It's not going to be a good result.

I am so sorry your family is going through this.  It's hard to be neutral and detached when children are involved.  I think any feeling person would be upset.  To me, detachment means not letting the foul moods of the alcoholic put me in a foul mood.  But watching defenseless kids suffer  -- it's just very tragic.  I'm so sorry.

She may have a mental disorder independent of substance addiction. And the addiction is just piled on top.

 Hi Smartkat:

First, let me reply to your request to discuss detachment.  I define detachment as not taking what the A says or does personally.  Also, to me detachment means not enabling the A, that is, allow them to do things for themselves and to endure the consequences of their poor choices.  For me, I learned how to detach through understanding the disease and finally realizing that each of us has to take care of ourselves.  I learned the difference between "helping" and "enabling."  This took time and I'm still haven't mastered it.

Now, as far as your feelings for your SIL, perhaps you can learn to dislike her actions, but at the same time, have compassion for her as a person.  She is quite ill and needs help.

I teach children with special needs, those that have mild to moderate disabilties.  I did teach children with severe disabilities one year and one year only because it was too tough for me.  One boy was severly autistic.  I got to know the family well; I understand what families go through.  Is their any agency that is involved?  The familiy I worked with that particluar year had an agency to help them.  How about the family doctor?  Can he or she direct your brother to an agency?

There are innocent, helpless children involved here.  Can you speak to your brother about getting outside help - professional help?  What you have described is child abuse.



-- Edited by GailMichelle on Monday 7th of June 2010 11:46:14 PM

Bettina

I do have hope that she will face reality and start to improve.  I don't expect it but I know it is a possibility and I will have hope.

(((Smartkat))),

In general I have issues with my sister. I love her but... She is not an A but is in desperate need of Alanon as well as other emotional help.  Despite the fact that her husband is sober and working his program she is doing nothing on her part to get better.  She thinks that as long as he's sober all will be well.

I have tried for years to get her to go to meetings with me.  It's always one excuse after another. At some point after banging my head many, many, many times against the wall I had to stop.  What's the definition of insanity?

So now I let her live her life the way she chooses. I try not to judge what she does (still workinng on that one).  I do love her but I just can't be around for long periods of time. She has to live her life the way she wants to.  Because of her illness her impact on me was making me more crazier than usual.  I had to step away.  She needs to suffer the consequences of her choices and behavior.  

Instead of trying to influence her and be a positive impact on her life, I have switched the focus to my nieces.  I don't push Alanon on them.  I just try to be there for them and answer any questions they may have.  I have to live my life and let my sister live her life.  That's how I detach. 

It's the same way with an addict.  When Tim was alive and he forgot to pay the car insurance, I didn't pay it for him.  I don't drive so it was his responsibility.  If he took the risk to drive w/o insurance so be it.  Not my problem.  I always made it clear that if he got arrested for drinking & driving the probem was his and his alone to figure out.  I would bring his meds down to the jail w/doctor's instructions, but the rest was up to him to figure out. 

Just because you detach doesn't mean that you don't love the person.  It just means that you allowing them the diginity to make their own choices (good or bad) and live their life.  You're taking care of your life w/o getting involved in all their drama.

Thanks for posting this.  I needed to remind myself of what I need to do.  Much love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

Mobirdie wrote:

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All too often I have heard "I have detached from ____" I stopped taking his/her calls etc.

Detachment is not amputation!
Detachment is the removal of ourselves from the consequences of the A's actions.

It is perfectly OK to love an alcoholic, if it weren't I would be one lonely person. However, if I detach myself from the consequences of their disease I can maintain my serenity.

It's pretty much like tieing your shoes... If someone else always ties your shoes for you then you will leave this earth still not knowing how to tie your own shoes. Anything I do for the A in my life that he is perfectly capable of doing for himself is not only hurting him but it is also hurting me and adding to my disease. I have to give him the dignity to learn to take care of his own "stuff" by himself without my being in his business.

---

Amen!  Well stated!  Your post is a keeper in my book!  Thanks

 

For me, detaching and stop enabling are two different things though they go hand in hand.

For me, detaching is not getting overwhelmed emotionally and sacrificing yourself and your happiness.  I may stop enabling someone, doing things for them they are completely capable of doing themselves, but I may still be tied up in knots over the fact they are living the lives they are.

Here is my example.  I was married, he wasn't an A, but his ex wife was a drug addict.  She had 50% custody and we paid her a nice chunk of money every month as she was "disabled" (read too strung out to work).  My husband had a serious issue with conflict.  He was doing nothing to get this resolved so I jumped in with both feet.  I paid his legal bills, got a new lawyer, push push push for years to get this resolved.  Lost court cases, keep pushing.  On the surface, it sounds great.  I was supporting my husband.  I was doing what was right for his kid - as the kid was exposed to all kinds of nasty things over there.  BUT . . . I was emotionally consumed by it.  I was angry, I lashed out at his lack of initiative, my anger affected the kids, and ultimately ruined my marriage.

I would do the ACTIONS over again.  It needed to be done for my family and it was the right thing to do.  In the end we won.  My husband got full custody and amazingly the ex got clean and went out and got two jobs.  But I lost my marriage.  I let the anger at the situation take over my happiness, the happiness in my home, and the happiness in my relationship.  I could have detached, done the next right thing, and let go of the results.  I could have kept loving my family, my husband, and being grateful for what I had and not let this thing eat me alive.

Just my take.  Good luck with this.  Watching children suffer is a really hard thing to do, ignoring it is even harder.  If I were you I would detach.  I would let go of the anger and judgement as you have no control.  Focus on the solution.  Is there anything you can do?  Call CPS, talk to you brother - whatever.  If the answer is no - there is nothing you can do.  Let it go!  I KNOW, it sounds easier than it is.  But it is possible.  After I did my 4th & 8th steps and stopped blaming my exH for the demise of our marriage and saw that it was actually my fault - I saw the TRUE value of detaching.  I lost the one true love of my life - that is a really huge cost.

Tricia