The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a while since I've posted. Things are OK here, just living one day at a time.
I got a sponsor a few months ago and have met with her every week since then. We are taking the steps slowly and I'm alreayd working Step 3.
My problem is that I feel like I'm in a rut. I have no ambition at all to work the steps at the moment. My sponsor has asked me to keep a journal and I haven't written in it all week long (usually I write when I'm bothered by something or something has got me to thinking). She also wants me to make more phone calls to other program members, but I just don't want to do it, and I don't know why. Like right now for example, I'm feeling down and instead of calling someone I'm here on the board (I guess it's better than nothing, right?) I met with my sponsor last week and she gave me an assignment. I talked to her on the phone yesterday and she asked how my assignment was coming along. I confessed that I hadn't even started it, so she suggested that we not get together this week. I feel so bad. I feel like I'm disappointing her.
I want to work the program - I want to believe it will help me to find serenity, it's just not very easy.
I receive quotes in my email everyday, maybe this one will help you. I thought it was really good.
"Every time you are temped to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a prisoner of the future."
I get the same way and it's hard sometimes to keep it going, I don't have any suggestions on how to get out of the rut. It just happens for me eventually when I get sick of dealing with my neg feelings and know it will help me feel better.
The boards are a great place to start, I dont know how long you have been in the program, but maybe you were not ready for the sponsor, or you can tell your sponsor that you want to work the program at your pace. Thats ok.
The program takes time to absorb, dont beat yourself up. Sometimes the living with an active A is energy zapping and makes us feel overwhelmed.
I suggest just taking a step everyday to do something for yourself, even if its taking time to take a bubble bath, with some candles, or go get yourself an pedicure, or going to the bookstore if your interested in that. Taking a walk in the evening to have a cool breeze on your face, that always helps me. Call up a friend!!
Try to really understand step 1, as the a's disease seems to be affecting you. "We are powerless over the alcoholic and our life had become unmanageable." Its not enough to just read the steps, but to get a grasp of what they mean takes time.
We must learn to detach from the A, but not from our lives. Keep coming back and share your experiences. Wishing you strength, courage and hope. Luv, Bettina
Thank you both - I guess I forgot to mention that I have been in the program for about a year and 3 months. I have many good friends from my face-to-face meetings and try to be of service whenever I can, so I just can't figure out why I'm feeling this way now.
A friend on the board says that you can't think your way into acting, you have to act your way into thinking. I believe him - I tried to think my way into acting for years before I got here and it didn't work!
Maybe if you keep doing the journaling and attending meetings and coming here, your feelings will catch up with the actions and you'll be ready to embrace step 3.
Just a thought - take what you like and leave the rest. :)
We all get stuck in our recovery. Kind of like reaching that plateau in weight loss. Not exactly going backwards but not exactly going forwards either. The key to recovery is we just have to keep plugging way. There are days when I just don't feel like working out. I know I should. I know it's good for me. But I just don't want to.
So once in a while I give myself permission not to. It's okay to take a break. However I have to remind myself of the long term consequences of that. High blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc. Do I really want to go back to that? Instead of giving in to that totally I have to find a compromise. Maybe a long walk, a shorter more relaxed workout etc.
Same way with Alanon. Not up to face to face? Okay time to come here. At some point though I really need those face to face meetings. I love you all dearly here, but I need that physical contact with my comrades in arms. I always know when I'm not practicing what I preach. The first place it shows up at is work. I get reinvolved in all the drama that I don't normally engage in. It ALWAYS gets me into trouble.
I have now taken to looking at a picture of my sister as a way of reminding myself of what I don't want. I've posted many times how she is in desperate need of a program. So next to my cholesterol numbers, I have a picture of her. To remind me of what I don't want to go back to. I don't want to be emotionally unhealthy nor physically un healthy.
So go ahead take a short break. Just don't take an extended vacation. It will always come back to bite you, at least it does for me. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
