The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone. I will make this as short as possible. I have been working w/ my best friend of 32 years in an office setting for the last 2 years. She is the manager, I am the asst manager. it is just the 2 of us most of the time. Our supervisior visits occasionally. My friend has a prescription drug problem. I have known about this for a while now. i left it at, it was her business. The problem is it has started to affect me. As long as she has the pills everything is good. She doesn't get wasted. but the problems comes when she doesn't have any. She is almost impossible to work with. She becomes down right hateful to not only me but some of our customers as well. I don't want to bring this to our supervisior because I know that would end our friendship. However she is not a very reasonable person and I think speaking to her about it directly won't do anything but make things worse either. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do.
Dealing with this "insanity", I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And when a person is an addict, it will affect everyone around them.....look at society in general....as desperate as I get in cases like this, I need to constantly "keep coming back" to these meetings/forums and take things "a day at a time" or a moment at a time. and the Serenity Prayer is the best because it has nothing but the truth in it......"give us the courage to accept the things I cannot change".....
First of all, you are not here to "cure the addict", because the truth is we cannot. We come here to Al-Anon to learn how to react to those that have this difficult disease as they are in our daily lives, in order for us to have some kind of peace......
The best way to understand this is to go to your local Al-Anon meetings (for friends and family)....AA (is for the addict)- I asure you, you'll get a better understanding on how to deal and it helps to listen to the expiriences others have had.
sincerest best wishes, scooter <3****
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Sunday 6th of June 2010 02:15:59 PM
The sad thing about addiction is that it only gets worse. And the addicts hold us hostage by getting furious if we don't act as if everything is fine. Your situation is extra-complicated because it's also your place of work. But I suspect that you and your friend are growing apart anyway -- because it's hard to stay friends with someone who insists people act as if their addictive behavior is fine.
Can you get to some face-to-face meetings or some meetings here online? Learning all you can about addiction and how to keep taking care of yourself will be so helpful. Then you can make decisions armed with a better understanding of it all, and without that second-guessing that we tend to do. You're in a tough situation -- take care of yourself.
I think you have to be careful, scooternooch, that your friend/colleague doesn't bring you down with her. You said her behaviour is beginning to affect your work and also your customers. She may try and blame you.
I think you should give some thought to telling your superviser you would like to speak to her in confidence and just outline some of the problems you are experiencing. You don't have to mention the addiction just say your colleague's behaviour is giving cause for concern. You do need to protect yourself.
As I read your post I wondered , how many times in a week do u apologize for her behavior to your customers ?? that would be a good place to start making her responsible for her own stuff .. if customer has a problem she too has a boss they can speak to . - right ? How many times have u taken over her work and done for her what she should have done for herself ? Protecting the A just prolongs the disease , just do your job , leave hers to her and give her a chance to hit bottom .. I know this is hard on you she is a friend but as has already been said this could all come back to bite you and not the addict ... they are great manipulators and some how manage to come out smelling like a rose most of the time . I have worked with people that u cannot trust and have had to watch my back , dot my I's and cross my T's which is no picnic .. goodluck Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Sunday 6th of June 2010 06:19:36 PM
Is this a business where a "how are we doing" Box? Walmart even has one. Suggest it to your supervisor.
If someone happens to spill how rudely they were treated,sure does not come back on you.
I agree with Louise, we can only take care of ourselves. We can teach ourselves to ignore what we can. Look at it as this person is very sick, maybe you can feel more compassion as if she had brain cancer.
My AH started really messing up. Was so hard not to clean up his messes.
The only one we can change is ourselves. Maybe you can think on it, how you can make it as safe and comfortable for you as you can.
Think of things to say back that won't be an argument or ruffle them. The usual, "you may be right." etc.
Also if this is your best friend, maybe do something together where it is quiet. Pick a time when she is more sober like and ok. Sometimes when we connect closer and talk about nothing at all, people feel better about bringing up the big stuff.
You have been friends for many years, I sure hope she gets some help.
We try not to give advice, afterall it's your life and you make your own choices. This is an important lesson that I learned, I have choices. I don't have to do whatever my A asked me to do. I didn't have to stay and listen to someone being rude to me, only for me to become rude back. It's a cycle that I had to break. I didn't have to leave forever, but I chose to leave until I was respected. I needed to establish my boundaries. I had to decide for myself what I would tollerate and what I wouldn't tolerate. I could be respectful and communicate my needs and boundaries. I didn't need to enable him, by making excuses for him. He needed to feel the consequences of his own actions. He would have to answer for himself, not me.
A best friend, a boyfriend, a wife, a parent, we all are close to the A. We all love that A and believe that we can help them. Unfortunately that is the biggest misconception of all...we can not help them...they need to help themselves, for them to begin a healthy life. Likewise, we need to help ourselves to begin a healthy life. Once I truly understood this, and took care of me, my A suffered the consequences of his own actions many times and then finally sought help...2 years later still sober and healthy! While this does not always happen, it is possible. I am very greatful to the people here that helped me determine my choices and see that I had the strength to follow through. I did not have control of how he responded, I trusted in my HP and took care of me and my kids.
Some possible choices: You can say nothing and continue the way things are, you can let your friend know that if she does X again you will do Y. You can seek alternative measures for someone else to figure out what she is up to. you can request a transfer, you can try to find a new job. You can pray, or not You can .... you can. you can. It's up to you. While some of these may not seem like a choice they truly are.
Glad you are here. Keep coming back.
__________________
When I don't know what I want, I mirror what others want.
