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So....my A (binge drinker) boyfriend left yesterday without telling me that he was leaving. I found out by seeing that his toothbrush and pills were gone. I had not heard anything from him. His daughter had contacted me because she was unable to reach him. I had refrained from trying to contact him until that time when I sent him a text message telling him that his daughter was trying to reach him. He had not responded a couple of hours later and I was really starting to worry. Just received some nice text messages promptly followed by "you are such a c___"(spelled out of course). Here I was so worried and wanted to make sure he was okay.... I need to remember to Let Go and Let God.
Go do something fun for yourself. He will be back , unfortunately, they always turn up , like a bad penny.
Who would we be if we were not worrying and carrying on. ???
How about a woman who has made boundaries and has not made him the center of your universe. Dont' treat him like he is some God and dont use the daughter either. Thats between her and her Dad. Start concentrating on yourself and working the program. Step One:" We are powerless over the alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable."Study it until you really understand it. There is nothing we can do to save the alcoholic from himself. We need to get out of the way and let him hit his bottom or bottoms, whatever it may be. Thats the sad , sorry truth Sheila.
What we can do for ourselves, keep coming back, go to a face to face alanon meeting, because when it comes to this disease, we need all the help we can get. We cant go it alone, its too big, too destructive. It kills relationships and it kills the alcoholic. Its that serious. Wishing you strength, courage and wisdom. Luv, Bettina
The support of this site has been so helpful to me. There are times when I truly felt like I was going crazy. Reading the wisdom and experiences of all who share here has been a lifesaver. Thanks for giving me that "kick" when I need it....
I have been where you are and I know what this disease can do to you. We all have been affected very deeply by this disease, who wouldnt be. Its very easy to go with the spiraling that the A creates. You are not crazy. Remember that, and when you doubt yourself, come back here anytime. We will gladly share our experiences, strength and hope.
Yes...he did come back this morning. I'm afraid I still need a lot of work with detaching. He walked in with this very smug look on his face acting like nothing had happened....I told him that I felt he was treating me very disrespectfully and that I had been trying to salvage this relationship (we had been seeing a counselor) but that I give up. I have started looking for an apartment. I will keep attending al anon meetings to work on detachment. I need some help in understanding how someone could welcome him back under the same circumstances without feeling angry. Please help me to understand how I can remain loving....yet let him know that he cannot continue to treat me this way.
It comes with the understanding of what you want for your life and what alcoholism will bring to your life. Its really understanding that this is a disease and its a roller coaster ride. Its separating the disease from the man or woman. The alcoholic is really not out to hurt you or treat you in a disrespectful way, its the alcohol in control.
As long as alcohol is in control and the A is not working a program, it can be miserable to say the least.
You have to make the choices that you believe are best for your life. You have to set your boundaries and first and foremost , you have to work the program. I dont know how much you have invested into your relationship, but either way, you will find out a few things about yourself and able to make a good choice for you. Its not good to leave in the heat of an emotional decision or anger. I say invest some time into Alanon whether you decide to stay or not. Its completely up to you.
As we say "Keep coming back, because it works if you work it" Luv, Bettina
I think I have said in some of my prior posts. In the past I have always felt that he loved me and we could work through anything. Now there has become this new element where he doesn't want my daughter in his life. He has even indicated that he doesn't want her invited to holiday celebrations because he does not want her in his or his children's (all grown) lives. He had gone so far as to offer an ultimatum a couple of weeks ago.....her or him. How does anyone choose between their daughter and their boyfriend? I think all of this is why I finally feel like I need to get out for my own sanity. Again....I am still struggling with him coming home and wanting to act like nothing happened.
Sheila, when they come home and act like nothing happened, its because , they dont remember what happened and the other part is their denial of what happened. Its part of the disease.
My xah, use to say horrible dispicable things while drunk , some about my grown daughter.
I couldnt take it any longer and asked him to leave when he would get like this, a number of times, I kicked him out. He would live out of his car. I didnt care....
I dont know the dynamics of the relatinship between your daughter and your boyfriend. I dont understand why he wants you to choose, unless he feels your daughter comes between his control of you. It doesnt make sense. But that would be typical of the alcoholic. How old is your daughter?
For me it would be a simple choice, if a man is saying its me or your daughter, he is toast. What kind of man is that, is that one you can respect.?
All I can say Sheila, is to keep going to Alanon and stick with the HP and the answers will be made clear to you. Hugs, Bettina
My daughter is 25...and has my 2 grandsons. We believe she has a personality disorder and we have been very concerned about her. He tells the counselor that he just can't stand to sit by and watch her manipulate me. My daughter and grandsons lived with me up until 2 years ago when my A boyfriend and I moved in together. Now...between her being defensive and angry and saying that she doesn't want me in her life....and him getting upset and angry....I basically don't see them very often. I still woke up crying this morning.....just can't seem to stop....I think everything seems so hopeless right now.
I was married to the XAH who by the time we were married 7 years, his alcoholism was out of control and my daughter came to live with me because we had just been reunited after being apart for many years, because my first husband had taken her, but thats another story. She was not in my house 24 hours she had a psychotic break and was in the hospital for 2 months, after she came out of the hospital, naturally she stayed with us. She was recoverying and he was acting out. I thought I would go out of my mind.
I prayed a lot. I really believe in the power of prayer. You said you believe she has a personality disorder, that could very well be true. Hopefully she can get diagnosed, so she can have the proper meds. Sheila, just pray every day and even in this situation you can detach as there is your HP working in your life, let your life unfold wherever that takes you.
Thats what I did in my situation, my daughter got somewhat better, but she decided to go to New York and she did. Took a lot of the pressure off. Still had to deal with the A and my daughter down thru the years, but she is so much better and I of course 19 years later, I parted with the A and she is my good friend and supports me and I support her.
There is hope Sheila, don't give up, although it may feel like hell, Don't loose faith. Just really turn to this program for help. Luv, Bettina
