The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some quick background to my situation . . . . live in UK and have an alcoholic girlfriend of some four (largely miserable) years.
Me - 38. She - 41.
No kids - thank goodness, bearing in mind who and what the prospective mother is currently. But I would like kids and a quiet life . . . . .
We (have to) live apart and see each other - following professional advice - three times a week.
Commonly it is less than three times a week. Since I started attending Al-Anon last year and Family Group I have learned about boundaries and enforce them spanning two weeks or a week at a time.
This is in the hope that the addict can reflect and amend their behaviour and that I can also return to sanity and serenity via Al-Anon.
She entered a rehab clinic last year for a month - and even drank in the clinic on one known occasion. She has relapsed on several occasions and she has been a dry drunk since January since relapsing in public.
Oh - the focus should be on me? Yes, I lost my job and income just before she entered rehab - more than pure coincidence? - I think not and haven't worked since. Thankfully, I am in a good financial position to wait and find the right job and do not have to take anything. About some irony? She kept her job, her work paid for her treatment and she continues to work. Indeed when I lost my job she stated that she 'didn't give a f***'. Nice.
The past week has been a nightmare for me personally - and this is despite the fact I haven't even seen my addict for over a week.
You see my addict is now a dry drunk.
Only yesterday she still wished to debate why she was in treatment. 'I was never a big drinker . . . . I was only put on an addiction programme because you called my doctor . . . . I really had depression . . . drinking wasn't really my problem . . . .' Pure deluded thoughts.
Her absurd defence and debate concerning her drinking is actually one of my boundaries (i.e. I do not want to discuss these matters with her) and the consequence for this is that I won't see see her for a period of time.
Grandiosity - she is commonly self centred, arrogant and bombastic. She commonly says she will 'never back down' and is 'content and happy' with her viewpoints even when it is to the utter displeasure of myself or others. The sickness is really apparent in the fact that she states she is 'happy' when others are obviously sad by her hurtful words and actions.
She will also advise, comment and ridicule - without any invitation or other's inclination for her do so - on all matters concerning the dynamics of addiction and family problems etc., - when she has such overt failings herself.
In short, she also has appalling moods swings; is verbally abusive - she can call me a c*** and then defend her position because she states she had a 'resentment'; she will also mock my unemployment and then doesn't understand when I say to her that I do not wish to discusss my search for work with her - which I guess is linked to her unrealistic state of mind.
You see she also bemoans the fact that we don't have children, that we don't live together and rarely holiday.
Another trait is that she thinks she can self-medicate her issues and problems -'AA is a waste of time . . . I was never a chronic drunk . . . . . '
All in all an awful situation.
Sometimes in a rage - when I am on sitting on that merry-go-round with her - I will shout back and hysterically cry.
I took beta blockers to cope when I lost my job and have this week taken them again to help me cope with the madness of her dry drunk behaviours (as explained above).
Sometimes, and it happened again, for the first time in a year last week, I have self-harmed by hitting myself in my face in abject, dire misery by her hurtful, spiteful, evil comments and constant denials and behaviours. Indeed last night on the phone she was telling me she wanted to get drunk and to say the least was purposely pushing my buttons.
I think at times I am literally going insane by her behaviour(s) linked to alcoholism.
But at other times I can detach from her and find some serenity.
I attend Al-Anon, Family Group, read material and try and stay focussed on my own recovery, serenity and well being. I think I may have found a sponsor - which has taken time - and now I feel I can commence taking the steps.
I'm sorry if I have gone on and on . . . . I am really hurting very badly and am literally resigned that this relationship with this person will never work.
I should remember that alcoholism is a mental illness and that she is, well, yes mentally ill.
In addition, I am also ill. I went to hospital earlier this week as I had pains in my arm which the doctor said was raised blood pressure - due to all of the stress of remaining on the mad, merry-go-round with my addict I'm sure.
I would be grateful for your honest advice, support or sharing of experience.
Be brutally honest - I know I should walk and leave - and should have left during some truly awful rows, scenes and dramas. But I was there when these happened too . . . and I know I chose to stay and also have myself to blame for my ongoing predicament.
What makes me stay? I see glimpses of her sobriety and recovery and have snatched days - belive it or not blissful days - when we are good together . . . until it goes wrong as I've described and the demons come back.
I say this relationship - if indeed it can be called a relationship is like a game of Snakes and Ladders. We go up ladders and then back down the snake to misery.
Something else to consider which I read:-
'I will support you with all my strength in every decision you make for life and health. I will not support you in any decision for sickness and death.'
Many thanks.
-- Edited by JimmyX on Saturday 5th of June 2010 07:51:23 AM
-- Edited by JimmyX on Saturday 5th of June 2010 09:33:54 PM
-- Edited by JimmyX on Saturday 5th of June 2010 09:48:33 PM
For the first time this week I experienced my a boyfriend being a dry drunk, he has not quit drinking but doesn't drink during the week when he works so I know he hadn't been drinking. I was confused at first because all the insane talk coming out of him sounded like when he has been drinking and want's to talk about everyhting that I do that bothers him and we ended up in a nasty fight. When I talked to my mom about it she said she used to experience the same thin with my dad (he was and a who went months without toughing it and then joined AA and was sober 21 years before he passed away) so now it is clear to me his "stinkin thinkin" is now going to happen when ever not just when he is drinking. This was the first time in 8yrs I experienced this when he was sober. I'm sure it will happen again and to be honest I'm not sure if I can live like this so I have some reall soul searching to do for myself and my 3 boys. He is going to visit a friend in Kentucky for 6 days the end of June and I am looking forward to that time when I can just breath and completely relax. I wish you the best.
Holly
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
It looks as though you are facing reality and doing what you can to take care of yourself.
All that you describe of your dry drunk is quite typical. My soon-to-be exAH of 36 years had lost his job due to a second DUI and license suspended, and is losing his marriage and home. He told one of our two sons that he had had all that he wanted in life. However, he still continues to delude himself by trying to control his drinking. Baffling? Yep.
After years of trying to fix him, I now see it was all futile and the only sane thing I can do is take care of myself. My trying to fix him only gave him more excuses to drink.
As painful as it is for you, you do have a much better handle of the situation than I did at your age.
I'm sorry your gf doesn't see the light. But at least you do. Therefore, you are able to stay out of her self-made vicious cycle. It might not feel like it, but you are doing all you can.
And, by the way, thanks for sharing the quote. That's a good one!
Take care, Gail
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Saturday 5th of June 2010 10:13:44 AM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
It sounds like you have your GF's inventory taken and have found her lacking. You said you want to keep the focus on yourself then why not start a 4th step on yourself? I also tried to remove affection/attention from my A and it never worked. Manipulations never, ever worked to change the A's behavior.
This program showed me that I had choices. If I didn't like the A's behavior (whether drinking or dry) I did NOT have to punish or condem them, I just needed to do what I needed to do to take care of myself and behave in a way that I could be proud of.
Keep coming back...the answers are here in this program.
freeagain is correct: To find peace the focus has to be on you and not your gf.
With practice, I have learned that it is possible to take the focus off others, especially my AH, and put it where it belongs - on me. It is possible to observe the actions of others and not feel the need to judge. I didn't believe that for long time.
But I still say at least you are aware that what she is doing is not healthy, and that you are not crazy. I spent a lot of years thinking I was nuts. But then I realized that I was feeling crazy because I was trying to make sense out of his nonsense. You don't seem to be doing that.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
In my opinion, the drinking is just the symptom of the disease. My exah doesn't drink (much?) but all the ism's are there that make having a cohesive relationship with him impossible for me. We do have a child. That is the saddest part of all for me. I wish I knew beforehand that we'd end up this way. At the time we married and we had a child, I was in denial about his addictions. I thought he was just a bit of a party boy. I didn't want to to see it for what it really was I guess. I had no idea that I'd change and realize that I wanted differently for myself and my son. I thought I was going to be perfectly willing to live on with the addictive behaviour and carry out equally self-limiting behaviour myself. I didn't realize that I'd grow and need more in my life. But I did. And so, I am here in life, making changes that I don't particularly want to make, but am making because i know that it is the right thing for me.
Trying to make sense of his behaviour always has and always will make me spin and exhausted and full of anxiety and overwhelm me with frustration. I often remind myself it's his problem - not mine. HIS. Between him and his HP. But I can choose to participate or not. Most of the time I choose NOT.
I just saw your post on dry drunk. My AHsober has not drank for over 20 years. He left the marriage 5 years ago. Brutally honest: living with and without him dry has been more difficult than any drunk I went through with him. They are emotionally immature and if they don't work some kind of program they are a pain in the ass without the booze. He is still charming, works, every day but is volatile and irrational at times. Keep working your program.
