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I have posted here a couple of times in the past. My A boyfriend is a binge drinker. I travel frequently for work and that is when he tends to drink the majority of the time. The past 6 months I have been dealing with my adult daughter making some bad choices. She has a tendency to get angry and threatens to take her and her children out of my life. We (my other daughther, my ex, and I) have been seeing a counselor on learning to deal with her because it is suspected that she has a personality disorder. My boyfriend keeps telling me that he doesn't want all this drama in his life now so he wants to break up. So....as you are all probably aware...the majority of drama in our lives together has come from his drinking. The last time he went on a drinking binge was about 3 weeks ago. I am devastated....and clinging to any hope that we can make it work....as I definitely am co-dependent. He disapproves of most everything I do....I barely ever see my grand children because he always gets angry and says I am allowing her to manipulate me. This stress has become so much that the last 3 days I have been in and out of tears frequently. I have been able to avoid breaking down in front of people though. Yesterday I was crying at home....sometimes it just all seems so hopeless.... He came home and saw that I had been crying. Insists that it is just drama and again...doesn't want it in his life. I begin to feel like a crazy person. We have been seeing a counselor for a couple of weeks...and his response is...why am I the one going to counseling when she (my daughter) is the one that should be going. This has just become a rollercoaster. I don't know from minute to minute where I stand.....and yet I continue to hold on. I feel weak,stupid, and immobilized. Why am I clinging so tightly to this relationship that he clearly feels isn't worth an effort on his part? Scared....lonely....and very afraid to be alone....
I can only share my experience with alcoholism and personality disorder in hope that it will help you to some degree.
My mother has borderline personality disorder and my soon-to-be ex is an active alcoholic. Over the past 17 or so years, I have received help from a few pyschologists. It took me a long time to learn the tools that Al-anon teaches. In retrospect, I believe that I could have been well on my way to recovery much faster if I had bypassed counseling and headed for an Al-Anon meeting. But that wasn't my path. If I had to do it all over again, I'd choose to attend meetins in conjunction with inidividual counseling.
There is hope. There is a way out of feeling scared and lonely. Things began to change when I began to take responsibility for myself.
In addition, things really began to change when I began to STOP trying to make sense out of other people's nonsense. When you experinece that feeling of perhaps I'm crazy, it is likely that you are trying to make sense out of nonsense.
Are you thinking of attending Al-Anon meetings?
Wishing you the best, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I am thinking about attending al anon meetings. I have attended them in the past and frantically read literature when things are particularly rough. The difficulty I have had is my travel schedule. I have been home for a couple of months now....during this time I had interviewed for a couple of jobs because my boyfriend felt it was important that I didn't travel....I was promoted in my current position but did not get offers to the non-traveling jobs. Therefore, I will be heading back out of town in a couple of weeks....then back for 1 1/2 weeks....then gone again for a couple of weeks... I just feel like I don't understand...even when my boyfriend was drinking more frequently I always felt that he loved me and cared about me. I now feel like he doesn't care about me at all....and yet I am the pathetic one seeking scraps of his affection. I am very assertive in the work place...and yet I am this weak individual at home. These thoughts do NOT help the turmoil inside....and certainly do not make me proud of myself.
You are right....I will certainly try to step back and take a look at things before reacting to determine if it is nonsense. It seems like I have taken the blame for everything for so long that it just comes naturally....if that is the way he says it is...it must be... It's truly ridiculous.
The feeling of not understanding is something that I struggle with my AW. Also, the split between doing well at work and being weak at home is common for myself and for others. Between alanon and counselors, some of my home life is being put back together, espcially with my daugthers.
Boy does this senario sound familiar! Today is my 2nd anniversary with a sober A hubby. Please notice I did not say an A in RECOVERY. My family ( children) are all going through MAJOR trials at the moment and I am pedaling as hard as I can going uphill against the wind if you know what I mean. So last night he says... I know I have created 'some' of the issues these past two years but I really think that most of the drama/problems are from others. OMG!!!!!!!!!! 99% is the problem of him being EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE so that I struggle when things are not as they should be. I don't blame him, I did it to myself, I knew who he was when I married him... I just didn't realize how far in denial I was about my own recovery!!! But for him to honestly believe that he has had little to do with our problems these past 2 years is incredible to me!!!!! Some days it seems that the ones in denial are luckier than those of us who struggle to find and face reality..... This too shall pass....
keep coming back... it works.......
hugs and healing, donna/adonaisgirl
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One Day at a Time I am POWERLESS but not HOPELESS Be sure to BREATHE and SMILE!!!
Yes....the emotionally unavailable certainly fits. He came home this afternoon....made some cabbage soup....and got in his car. After he left I went into the bathroom and his toothbrush and pills are gone. I'm not sure what else is gone but assume this means that he has left me. I am sitting here in tears....yet knowing it is probably for the best. It hurts a lot.... I will definitely be getting to an al anon meeting tonight or tomorrow morning.
Oh, Sheila, have had 26 years of living with my xah. What gets me is that he doesnt want the drama of your daughter, etc, but he is an A and wants you to put up with his drama and manipulation. The A's always want to be the center of attention, they are selfish, narcissistic, and on top of that , they usually after years of drinking develop a personality disorder.
When I was first married to the A, I thought it was me, that I wasnt a good enough wife, walked around feeling guilty all the time, because thats what the A does, tries to put i on everyone else, because they are in denial about the drinking and dont want to change and they dont want to stop. Not till I attended Alanon I finally knew I wasnt going crazy and Alcoholism is a real disease and a deadly one.
My suggestion is to come this board anytime you can and to try to go to a face to face meeting as much as you can. There is an Alanon meeting in every city, across the USA, it would be to your advantage, to learn about this cunning disease. You learn to not react to him and his manipulations. When your behavior changes, so will his, but Alanon is about you and me, the spouses and family members who suffer the affects of this disease. Wishing you strength, courage and wisdom. Luv, Bettina
Just returned from an al anon meeting. I must say it helps to go and I love listening to others talk. As I was walking to my car the tears started again....it seems I can't quit crying...the loneliness is overwhelming at this point. Because of all the rollercoaster issues from the past I am always reluctant to share or talk to anyone about what is happening. The isolation is devastating.
I know and feel what you are going through! My life has been unmanageable for some four years with my addict girlfriend.
The issues we have to deal with are so difficult - but we have a choice. Qualified professionals tell me: 'Where were you whilst all this mayhem and chaos was happening?'
They're right. I was there with her in that mad zone - the toxic merry-go-round - with the addict.
I also find the Al-Anon meetings so helpful.
Try and think about detaching with love as I am trying and battling to do - I know it isn't easy. Think about making 'healthy choices'.
Sometimes what it brings it home to me is reminding myself that alcoholism is a mental illness and addicts therefore have mental illness and are ill and sick people.
They have real, established, recognised tools and resources such as AA, counsellors, doctors, medication etc., to help curb their illness. They know when they are in recovery - good recovery - that it is right to promptly admit they are wrong and to make amends. But expecting this consistency with somebody who is not in good recovery is also deluded thinking - I know!
Like my addict it sounds like your addict isn't in good recovery and from what you and I have written it is obvious they aren't. Therefore there is a greater need to care for ourselves and to think about making healthy choices.
