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I just wish I felt the peace within its been a long time with that too. I just have to get some things off my chest on here that has been keeping me up tonight. I feel like I'm weakened by the dreadfull sickness. I been married 32 yrs. That was normal when we meet coz I lived it . We always put our money together to pay bills, and the extra it for what ever. I only get my nails done every 3 weeks. I figure with his beer (12 on average) and a pack of cig he is going through $300 every two weeks. we can't even make it through to the next week. He now wants us to split up the bills after 32 yrs I don't make as much as he does. I don't even get alot of grocerys coz he bitches about spending to much on them too. we have a 16 yr old left at home yet helping onein collage and the other 2 are on there own but don't come home coz of dads drinking he don't talk scence any way when they are. . .So we get paied again today and the arguement will start again when we get low I spend all the $$$$ON WHAT !!!
Sorry this is so long I hope you can make scence of it all. How do we split the bills. I just sais to him If we start splitting the bills after 32 yrs its time for a divorce. Then he acts like OK NO BIG DEAL Leave ! NOT I have all my anamials and my mom gave me the house for inhartance. Its My House Is It. Dumb thing she put it both our names.
But a Lawayer said I would have to take over payments and they would give it to me. I just feel like I'm just crazy living with him its taking me down. all the way how do I get back up.
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I put my hand in yours and together we can do what we could not do alone.
Hi Peace, says your a veteran member, so I assume you have been in the program a long time, but you just havent posted in a long time?
You know we cant tell you what to do as far as staying or leaving, only you can make that decision. 32 years is a long time. I was married to the xah for 26 years, we have been apart now for almost 2 years. Even with all the hell he put me thru, it was still difficult to part and quite a transition. I can say Im comfortable now and quite serene. Even though I face challenges, mostly financial, I am on social security and I lost my part time job. Im still feeling better and happy I dont have to deal with the alcohol and its affects on me.
So you have a house thats yours, thats great and you still have a son thats 16, he would have to pay child support and probably some alimony or at least temporary alimony. So it wouldnt be bad. Whats stopping you?? Does it have to get so overwhelmly bad for you before you make the choice? I say stick with your HP and the program. Also remember that when the alcoholic speaks, you said he never makes sense and probably doesnt know or remember what he says. A big dose of detachment would help with that.
Keep coming back peace and share and dont isolate yourself. You know we are powerless over the alcohol and our life becomes unmanageable when we forget to work the program, read the steps and pray to our HP. Wishing you strength hope and hugs. Luv, Bettina
I have been married to my AH for 32+ years also. He is currently doing well. But as you all know, that could change tomorrow.... But what I wanted to add, is that I paid all the bills and had the checking account for 31 of those years. After a seperation of 6 months, things were seperate and we kept it that way. At first, it was very difficult for me (control thing) but once the bills were seperated, it has been a whole lot less stressful. He used to have the debit card and would spend up to $600 - $700 each month on his drinking, smokes, pull tabs, etc... And sometimes, I would have to try to be creative to pay bills. (It was very stressful and I now suffer from anxiety attacks from it). But now, he has his own account, his own bills to pay, and I do NOT check up on anything. He has actually gotten quite stingy with his money, because now he can identify that it is truly "his" money. I too, have thought of divorce when he was actively drinking and he knows that if he goes back to it, I will divorce him. It took many years for me to get to this point. Alanon really got the ball rolling for me. I also have been reading alot of self help books. For me, I need to know WHY I am the way I am. And low and behold, I am learning ALOT! Moving out would be scary for me but I have come to realize that I have been holding everything together for him and me for many years. Why would I be scared if it was only me? (Half the work! ) I don't have any answers for you but you really should try to get to an Alanon meeting, they really DO help. I didn't want to go for many years, but I am really glad that I am now. I hope you find your answers and with them, find peace and hope.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; It's about dancing in the rain.
I can well understand the drama. I went through a lot of chaos financially with the ex A. Initially I did not make as much as him. I made up for that in many ways. Eventually I found myself doing all the cormpromising.
In theory in marriage especially a long marriage like yours you are indeed entitled to half (depending on which state you are living in). I have found it hard not to argue with an A. I have had to really work hard on detaching.
For me personally it is key to not argue. Once I am in that arguing, sniping place there is no come back.
I do not know if you have a sponsor, counselor, other persons to help you. I know I have needed every single thing I could lay my hands on.
If you have a copy of the book Getting them Sober I'd strongly advise getting one. There is a free offer at the top of the page. Expectations are everything.
I don't make as much as he does. I don't even get alot of grocerys coz he bitches about spending to much on them too. we have a 16 yr old left at home yet helping onein collage and the other 2 are on there own but don't come home coz of dads drinking he don't talk scence any way when they are. . .So we get paied again today and the arguement will start again when we get low I spend all the $$$$ON WHAT !!!
) I don't have any answers for you but you really should try to get to an Alanon meeting, they really DO help. I didn't want to go for many years, but I am really glad that I am now. I hope you find your answers and with them, find peace and hope.