The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I found out last week that my ah slept with a co-worker. A woman that I had invited into my home. Things have been bad between us for so long, but I never thought this would happen. He kept saying he would stop drinking. I am devastated, but the only shred of hope i had was that he had hit bottom. I was wrong. I have been trying to detach and trying to keep myself together. But he is not coming home tonight and I know he is drinking again. I know he is with her. I have to change the locks tomorrow and it is all I can do not to puke. I know what I am supposed to do and worry about myself staying strong.
I have read so many posts on this site and have finally come to terms with my own problem. I need to take care of me because no one else will. It is the hardest realization that i have had to deal with and I just wanted to say thank for everyone sharing their life with me and helping me.
After 21 years wtih the xah, and all the hell of living with him, after nursing him thru a heart attack and many other drama's, he tells me he had been sleeping with another woman and this woman gave birth to twins a year before. That they had an affair off and on since 1994, I was stunned. Not so much at his sleeping with her, but children and twins.
After the initial shock of it and the fear that this woman could financially drain both of us.
I prayed , a lot...I came to realize that it wasnt the woman that was his lover, it was the bottle and this woman and even the children were just another effect of the drinking. Collateral damage. That me, her, the twins, all pawns in the life of an alcoholic.
I didnt kick him out, not yet, I needed to really reflect on all that happened. I had been in the Alanon program for a long time and detachment was my middle name. lol. I also need to think about my part in it. I had stopped having sex with him around 94 because of my suspicions. But I knew I had to play out what I had to play out. I did ask the A to leave, we have been apart a couple of times in that period, but now for 2 years. In that time I couldnt have punished the A half as much as he punished and tortured himself. I thought he had hit bottom before, but nothing like this, he lost his job after 26 years, he got a DUI, his car was repossessed and he almost died a few times and his anger toward the woman and the kids grew to extreme. Today he is sober and we are friends...he doesnt have anything to do with the Mother of his kids and he has nothing to do with them, which is a shame. I have just the right amount of compassion towards him, but I know what he is capable of. I will remain living apart from him as he is not good for my health. lol....Yes, we do have to take care of ourself as always, whether we are involved with anyone or not. We are responsible for our lives and our happiness, nobody can give it to us. Keep in the program of Alanon, stick with your higher power and pray for the alcoholic, that they stand up on their own and defeat this disease. Expect a miracle. Luv, Bettina
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). I know how hard this is on you, but you are in the right place.
Step 1: "We admitted we are powerles over alcohol - that our lives have become unmanageable." Once you have accepted this, it can get better. Please find some local face to face meetings in your area. There is nothing like being in the company of those who understand what you are going through. There is lots of great literature out there and available at the meetings. The more you know about this disease and how it affects us, the stronger and better you will become. There is always hope for a better life.
Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. Your recovery is about you and for you regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about living strong. Please keep coming back to us. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
-- Edited by Karilynn on Thursday 3rd of June 2010 06:02:55 AM
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi My ABF was also unfaithful to me in a drunken state acouple of years back. Out of all his behaviour this is the one thing that hurt more than I can put into words. Today I ca see it had nothing to do with me. He has shared with me how he feels about what he did and I know that he hates himself for it. I had to do a lot of hrad work to let go of this resentment as it was killing me.
Today I am not with my A he is fighting his illness with the help of AA and I am trying to recover in Al Anon. I have been reading a lot about self esteem of late and realise that the maain effect on me from this disease is that some where I forgot that I mattered. If he is sick o.k today I understand that. But it is my responsibility to care for me. This does not come naturally but I am trying.
Hope you can see that you do matter ans we are all here for support
I too have had an ABF cheat on me and it is devasting from so many different angles. It takes time to work through. The overwhelming anger, the feelings of not being enough, the betrayal . . . on and on.
Working the Al-Anon program helped me heal. I never thought I would feel better and the folks who posted here, who were happy, who had been where I was - they felt miles away and what they had seemed impossible. But here I am, a year plus later, I feel great and the ABF and I even gave it an unsuccessful second try.
For me, I had to find forgiveness and compassion. I found getting together with him again I couldn't trust him, and that is OK. But the pain from it did not return and I have truly let it go. I actually feel sorry for him. I couldn't imagine having to be that type of person. Regardless of their justifications for their behavior (which there are none) they know - even if it is a grain of sand in their mind - what they have done. And usually, their actions are driven by an extreme lack of self confidence and need for love that they can't find within. That is sad. That, and they don't trust the world as they are untrustworthy. It makes my heart hurt for them.
We are here for you through this, through all you will continue to feel through this. Come share with us and One Day at a Time you will find healing.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Alcoholism has many nasty side effects and unfortunatley infidelity is one of them . I too have been where your at and I cannot explain what that did to me , take care of yourself go to doc make sure your healthy, set boundaries for this relationship , infidelity is totally unexceptable under any circumstances . Tho I rarley listened to anything my mother said to me I did hear her when she said u can forgive anyone anything ONCE - I never forgot that .. I made it perfectly clear what would happen if husb was unfaithful again .. no one will ever hurt me that way again . we deserve to be treated with respect , love will not survive with out justice , in other words if you don't get back what your willing to give love will die ..
Thank you for helping. He did come home alst night and I told him that he made his decision on if he could live in this house. He is picking up clothing tomorrow after work. I know that i love him, but i need to love myself as well. I just never thought it would hurt so much to love me.
Thank you for helping. He did come home alst night and I told him that he made his decision on if he could live in this house. He is picking up clothing tomorrow after work. I know that i love him, but i need to love myself as well. I just never thought it would hurt so much to love me.
It does hurt so much to love "me" I am going through the same thing right now...i'm on day 5. It hurts and i feel like i'm going insane and i am constantly wondering if i made the right choice...BUT there are times in the day when i am grateful he is not here to treat me badly. In the last 5 days, nobody has put me down or tried to convice me that i was crazy or controlling or some other off the walll remark. I hope you have the strength to follow through. if that's what you want...i'm not sure if i do but so far so good and i hope the same for you either way :)
That is a pretty profound statement "I just never thought it would hurt so much to love me." I completely understand it too.
All my life I have felt like the victim. Time and time again people hurt me so I just withdrew further and further behind my walls. Then someone comes along and says "I will take care of you", I believe them, and they end up being abusive. This and many similar situations convince folks that they are not worthy of love. Especially from themselves.
Then I started in recovery. It was PAINFUL. Slowly but surely the pain of the abusive relationship tranferred to pain about my entire life. I did steps 4 - 9 and it was hard! But it was also enlightening. It was a new level of self awareness. It was a chance to see how much people in my life do care, and don't as well. It was finally taking the victim glasses off and just looking at reality. Then the pain shifted into the reality of MY part. This had its good and bad parts. Good in that I got to shed all the unneccesary guilt I was carrying. I found out I was a much better person that I was being told I was. I learned how to love myself and I learned how to share myself with others - and that it was OK to not share with others as well (detach). I also learned where I suffered pain because I LET myself suffer pain. This was a hard pill to swallow.
As much as I control in my life, work hard, parent, house etc. - all on my own - I applied none of that strength or clear, healthy decision making in my personal life. I didn't take care of myself. I didn't take the time to really look at who was coming my direction and what they were REALLY doing versus what they were saying. I didn't protect and love myself as much as I did everything else in my life. That awareness was painful. The neat thing is - any moment - any second - I can decide to change my life. I can turn a different direction. There is nothing, besides my own fears, holding me anywhere. The choice to start loving myself was hard, painful, but the best choice I have made in my life. It IS difficult, it IS painful . . . but anything worth having is worth working for.
We are here for you. You can love yourself, it just takes practice, and the willingness to do so. In the mean time, we will love you.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
). I know how hard this is on you, but you are in the right place. 
I did hear her when she said u can forgive anyone anything ONCE - I never forgot that .. I made it perfectly clear what would happen if husb was unfaithful again .. no one will ever hurt me that way again . we deserve to be treated with respect , love will not survive with out justice , in other words if you don't get back what your willing to give love will die ..