The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm realizing more and more that although I may have gotten rid of the proverbial "monkey" on my back in relation to asking for a divorce from my AH, I still get to apply the Al-Anon program in so many aspects of my life.
I know when we've gone our separate ways and we're no longer living together, it's just going to be me and my head and my "thinking" problem. I'm sure my mind will seek out new avenues to identify as stressors in my life. This is why I'm glad for the Al-Anon program and don't have any plans to bid it adieu once the divorce is final.
I love how the program is already helping me to "keep it simple" in this transition I'm going through. My biggest hurdle right now is finding a place I can afford to rent on my own, but on top of that, have it be a place where I feel comfortable. I really want to have a healing atmosphere, as this is where I'll be living alone after my divorce. I don't need to settle for some dump. So, I get stressed out about finding a new place every now and then - start feeling anxious, like I should be doing "more", and then I remember I can turn this housing situation over to God. I can express my fears and my needs and see what God comes up with. When I turn it over to God, I feel the stress start to melt away.
Thank goodness for sponsor phone calls, too. I was talking with her this morning about my stress, and how I really start to feel stressed about it when my soon to be ex-AH asks me - every day - if I've found something yet or talked to so-and-so yet about a place they may have available for rent, etc. She suggested that I could tell my A "If you're anxious to get moving, you don't have to wait around for me to find my place. Don't let me hold you up. I'll be fine." So that's one thing I could tell the A. Another thing I could tell him is "Do you think you can trust me to tell you when I've found something? It is my intent to let you know as soon as I know. But until then, just know that I'm doing all I can to find a place."
Maybe this would make more sense to those reading if I explained that we've agreed to live together temporarily until I can either find a roommate or a new place to live. He's waiting to make his "move" (literally, ha!) until I've told him I've found a solution on my end. Which, is nice on his part, but won't be so nice if he starts getting pushy and anxious about it.
So glad to have Al-Anon in my life. It's really helping me work through my new set of fears regarding the move-out situation, and reminding me I have choices STILL, in how I interact with my ex.
There are other things we can do to prep for the move, too. For instance, we went to the bank and I had my name removed from the joint account we shared. (I have my own account at a separate bank.) Last Monday, we went to our phone carrier and got our cell phones split so each of our numbers are in our own name - no more shared bill. I know we can also get moving on the divorce paperwork, too, while I'm looking for a place to live.
I'm so glad I can respond with careful thought to all of this instead of reacting like I used to do to these sort of situations. I think that's were some of my anxiety comes from. I'm so used to jack-rabbit starts out of these kind of situations instead of taking my time when it's available to me.
You stated one slogan "Keep It Simple" in your post and you implied two others, "One Day At A time", and "Let Go and Let God". Using your slogans, calling your sponsor, and no jack- rabbit starts. It's amazing how the program can turn chaos into calm.
Thank you for reminding me to turn it all over to God. I was married with 4 children to an alcoholic. When I changed, things around me changed, except not his alcoholism. He just couldn't come out of denial. Anyway, I've been on my own with two children for 4 years now. I took it one step at a time when I didn't know how I would manage. I just had to tell myself that I'll know what to do (or where to go) when it's time to do it and in the meantime working on myself and working to get selfsufficient. It has truly been the hardest thing because I was married for 28 years. It would have been and would currently be alot easier if he would just move on and stop trying to punish me for taking care of myself and our children. I can tell from your post that you're strong. We just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've been in recovery for 5 years. I still find myself emotionally reacting when someone I care about wants me to deny myself or my truth and do what they want. If I'm caught off guard, I will feel confused and mostly a great deal of guilt because I no longer allow their manipulation and try to maintain clarity and listen to myself. I'm better than I used to be but the guilt leads to "stinking thinkin" and obsessing about "should I try to fix it for them". So I'm still working on me. I hate the way the guilt feels.
-- Edited by JanieB on Friday 4th of June 2010 06:37:20 PM
