The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I will try to keep this brief and to the point. I do have a tendency to waffle.
Last night I finally came to my senses and stopped denying the obvious. My partner has a drink problem and it is affecting my life as much as his.
He was supposed to do the grocery shopping yesterday, but spent 5 hours and half his money in the pub. He knows what he did was wrong and promised to try and behave. Unfortunately I know this promise is as empty as his beer glass.
My initial reaction was to take control. I planned to open a joint bank account and only giving him pocket money. then I came to my senses and realised that is just treating him like a child, taking away all responsibilities for his actions and he will not learn from his bad behaviour.
He was supposed to have gone out to do the shopping today with what little money he has left. But he has been gone several hours. I won't even place a bet on where he is, it's too obvious.
Before he went out tonight, I told him we had to talk about last night and his drinking. He nodded an embarrassed agreement before bolting out the door. I think confronting him has made him panic, sending him straight to the pub.
I really don't want to give up on him, but if he won't make the first step I cannot see I have a choice. My problem is actually letting go of him if I have to even though my head says this is probably the only option I will be left with.
Dimples, I was married to the XAH for 26 years, whether a man is an alcoholic or not, you never warn a man that you want to talk later. Of course it made him panic.....
Doesnt it usually mean we are going to talk and their going to listen, and if they are smart, they just yes us to death.
You dont say how long you have been together. Or if you are going to face to face Alanon meetings.
I say if he agrees to only have an allowance then go for it. I handled the money when we were married or we would have been broke. You do have to use your logic.
You have to work the program to see the miracles. Its not about the A, its about you. Keep coming back because it works if you work it. Luv, Bettina
I remember telling my bf when he was still active we needed to talk about the night before and he would always do the same thing. He would come home late and drunk again and the talks never happened. I realized at some point it just did not work.
Many of us don't want to give up on our loved ones. Coming on here has always helped me.
I have learned they know they did wrong and have intentions not to do the same thing but the alcohol/drug comes first, before anything else.
My bf has told me back when active many times that he didn't want to keep going to the bar right after work but he did. He had good intentions but he had no control over the drinking. I believe that now.
Hi dimple my first husband was a compulsive gambler for 17 years I talked and talked and he told me everythig I needed to hear. Nothing changed and as his illness progressed I had no option but to leave but believe me I went down with the ship lost my home and had to start all over again with the kids. You see he was my first love, he was a good guy.I thought his love for me would beat the addiction and back then I had no programme and did not understand addictions. I was on my own for a year then fell in love with my current partner. Fast forward five year he had an addiction to drink ( give me back the gambling any day).
My partner is in AA today and is fight his illness. I am learning more and more about this disease and myslef in Al anon. It grips hold of them and turns the peeople we love into people who they hate themselves and we just back them up on their own self hatered. Today I have learnt that alcoholism is very cunning and baffling. Even if they put the drink down they have to heal emtionally and spiritually. My partner has left at the moment he is in such a mess. It is kiiling me to be apart but today I can see we both need to focus on our own recovery, this illness has nearly destroyed us all.
There is an offer at the top of this page for a book called getting them sober. It really enhances the literature I have already read. Ihave learnt a lot from it.
take what you like and leave the rest
hugs
-- Edited by Tracy on Thursday 3rd of June 2010 11:46:59 AM
Thank you for the replies, some good advice there.
I had just pressed submit on my post lastnight when he walked through the door - sober. He was real tired so went to bed early. It made me wonder if we would get roud to having that talk before the next drunken debacle. But we actually sat down this afternoon and talked things through. I can't say we came to a firm solution, but he is willing to tackle the problem. He has previously sought a doctors help, but was fobbed off by the doctor who said he couldnt do anything to help. We have a new GP, I think an appointment with him may be in order. I now know bf has slight liver and kidney damage, I'd at least like the docs to keep an eye on that.
Bettina. I will be setting up new bank accounts to try prevent him overspending our money on alcohol. I wasn't going to, but your post made me reconsider. He is in agreement to this. But I did tell him we have to do more than solve the finance issue.
I am a new old hand to this problem. I grew up with several alcoholics in my family, but it is completly different when you are an adult having to deal with it. Thanks to the rest of my family (The sober ones), I know how not to handle this problem. Ths is one situation where I will learn from thier mistakes and not mine - I hope.
Tracy. I will take a look at the books and literature, thank you for the recomendation. I can't attend meetings, it will have to be online advice or via books etc.
I have learned they know they did wrong and have intentions not to do the same thing but the alcohol/drug comes first, before anything else
I now understand it isn't about me and how he views the relationship. It is the addiction pure and simple. If I hadnt found these forums, I'm not sure I would have come to that conclusion.
