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I'm not even sure I've ever posted here, but have read and lurked off and on for a long time. At least let me say thanks for you guys, and for all the support here!
So, here I am, and I feel like I'm reaching the breaking point in my marriage again.
I've done a few months of Celebrate Recovery at church and also listened to some really super relationship stuff by Danny and Sheri Silk. I feel like I gave up trying to control my AH for a long time, and allowing him his freedom to drink in my presence was a big change this year. He's always been a sneaky drinker, as if I wouldn't know I got so tired of the sneaking and hiding that I finally confronted him and said, "Hey, I know you're drinking. Stop pretending I don't know and that you are not a free man living in America. If you're going to drink then at least stop the sneakiness and pretense and just drink inside the house." (he would step outside numerous times during the day or night to have his beer). That was just making me sick and crazy. So he began drinking somewhat more openly.
It's been some months, and it's me with the problems. As usual. I thought I might be able to accept his controlled drinking, but I can't. It's getting worse - gee what a surprise.
He's a beer drinker, and has rarely caused himself any real severe consequences except for one situation back in about 1999 where he got caught drinking on the job and sent to mandatory AA and rehab for 90 days. His sobriety lasted about 3 months after that.
I think one of the problems I've had with being able to stay in denial is I am an ACOA but my dad drank vodka and scotch and died a horrible hemorraging death at 42. My husband doesn't touch hard liquor, but he will put away a couple quarts of high alcohol content 16 oz cans in an evening. He'll stop for a few days to a couple weeks at a time (usually as a result of some altercation between us) but hasn't stayed sober for more than a few weeks since 1999.
Still, to me and to him, nothing seems really "unmanageable". He held a good job for years until forced into early retirement last year by GM. He's now working as a handyman and doing well with it. Unfortunately, being his own boss, he's taken to drinking either on the jobs (along with a couple other guys) or possibly on the way home in his van. Now we have the distinct possibility of liability or DUI looming on the horizon. I've spoken to him about it, but it was like talking to a brick wall although he acknowledged at the time I was right.
We're just completing a review of the Celebrate Recovery steps as a sermon series at church, and it's gotten me thinking again - A LOT!! Interesting fact, he's always gone to church with me but for "some odd reason" he's skipped most of the past 8 weeks citing "work to do" while this series has been going on. That set off some alarms in my head.
I don't even know what the point is of my posting this tonight, other than to just "say it out loud" to someone and get a starting point going for some support. It's clear I need it, and need to go back to the CR classes on a weekly basis again.
So where I'm at again is thinking, do I want to waste my entire life with this man? I have developed ulcers recently and can't help but think it's the anxiety. There are other things that are slowly developing about him that are just gross and sickening, and nothing I say seems to make any difference. He was put on Aricept a few months ago because he was getting really scatterbrained and did a few really odd things and forgot about them.
It just seems that the longer I wait for things to get better the worse they really get. It's so depressing at times.
Doing really strange things ? I suspect he is drinking alot more than u know . this is progressive , mental , physical and spiritual disease and your right it never gets better only worse. I hope u find a few Al-Anon meetings in your area u need support from people who understand exactly what your going thru .. celebrating sobriety is great if u have it .. but does not do much for the spouse the non drinker.. this is too hard to fight alone , u need help . Please take care of yourself Al-Anon will show u how . my husb was only a beer drinker too , but none the less a cronic alcoholic , he almost drank himself to death a few times but finally had enough and stopped drinking 20 yrs ago . people can change if they choose too but it has to be thier choice has nothing to do with us .. threats dont work , tears dont work ulitmatums don't work , nothing works until the alcoholic says enough and seeks help for himself .
-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 2nd of June 2010 01:21:59 AM
I can understand what you are saying and where you are with the CR program as well. I changed churches because I wanted to be part of the CR program but I found that I had to do BOTH Cr and AlAnon because there was just not enough recovery from the CoDependent crazies in the CR group to help me. I will never 'graduate' because I do not go to the step meetings, they are the same night as my alanon family group meeting, but I go to the general meeting every week. To me the two programs work hand in hand to help me be the best 'me' I can be. Letting my AH deal with the consequences of his choices are the hardest part of recovery for me sometimes... especially when his choices will affect my sence of financial security. That is when trust in my HP comes into play for me. " I have never seen the righteous forsaken nor their seed begging bread"..... I choose to trust HP to keep me safe as long as I am doing what I know to do. Glad you are here... keep coming back.... it works!!!!!!!
hugs and healing, donna/adonaisgirl
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One Day at a Time I am POWERLESS but not HOPELESS Be sure to BREATHE and SMILE!!!
I understand your pain and frustration. It sounds like you are doing the best you can. I know for myself, I got to the point where I have set guidelines. If broken, our marriage is broken. My AH can not drink, period. If he does start, he does not quit and ends up in detox/rehab. It has progressed to this in the last probably 4 years. He was always one of those to drink on the way home, stop off for a few, drink with his buddies, but that has all changed. His disease has progressed to where the last "bender" just about took his life... he was in detox for 6 days and they wanted to keep him longer. Then, went for his 4th, 30 days in rehab. That was MY bottom. I too was so frustrated and angry, I knew that I had to do something for me. (We have been married for 32+ years) Before I let him unpack when he got home from rehab, we sat down at the table and discussed my "deal breakers." I do love my husband, I always have, but I HATE the man that the disease creates. I have decided that for ME, I NEED peace and serenity. My health is also to the point of being affected. In the past year... I have developed some life-long, chronic diseases that are caused by stress. I can treat the symptoms now, but the diseases will never go away... So, that kind of opened my eyes to realize that even if I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, my body is being affected by THEIR choices. So far, he is doing well. I am enjoying my husband today and yesterday and tomorrow will have to wait for tomorrow. It truly is one day at a time. But for us right now, it is working. Take what you like and leave the rest...
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain.
Thanks for your replies. There is truth in each of them.
I probably should find a local Al-Anon group. I've hesitated because the one I did go to while he was doing his 90 days was in a smoke-ridden building, dark and sort of icky, and I was just so put off by the whole environment. I know all of them can't be like that, I just haven't brought myself to find another group. I think what I need is a daytime group.
Our CR actually spends a lot of time with the Co-Ds because the main facilitator is Co-D and is the mother of the other facilitator, her daughter who is the X-alcoholic. I haven't been back for several months. I need to get back, and then decide if I need to add Al-Anon to it.
Sweet Stanley, your post touched me deeply. I had cancer last year and have been out of treatment for about 10 months - they say I'm in remission. The ulcers are a new development. I've learned the hard way too, what stress can do to a person. I wish I had the resources and wherewithal to do what you have done. Maybe that day will come.
Donna, his last "consequence" for himself was to get drunk on the way home from work, and in trying to unload a heavy pc. of equipment, he smashed one finger very, very badly. Almost removed the end of it. He was apparently drunk enough that he didn't really care about the pain, and drank quite a lot the following 2 days. Finally on Monday, because he had not taken care of it, and had wrapped it in a dirty bandage, it got infected and more painful so we had to go to the ER. Too late for stitches, but he did have painful treatment and the finger took a month to heal.
I've never stood in the way of consequences for him. There have been many, but nothing matters to him for long.
I'm about *this close* to sitting him down and saying that I will not live the rest of my life with an alcoholic and see what he says. However, that sets a ball in motion that will hurt me far worse than it does him. This is what I've always feared - losing my home and tearing our family apart (we are very close to my DD and their 3 young children). BTDT in 2003 and we only stayed separated for 3 months. I wish now I'd had the fortitude to stay away. But here I am further down the same road and further enmeshed than ever
I heard a song yesterday by a Christian group, 33 Miles, that has played over and over in my head now for 2 days:
"You only get just one time around You only get one shot at this One chance, to find out The one thing that you don't wanna miss One day when it's all said and done I hope you see that it was enough, this One ride, one try, one life... To love... "
I can definitely relate to the don't want to stay, don't want to leave place. I can also understand the horror of watching someone spiral down.
Wherever you can get support, encouragement, understanding and direction is great. I know it takes a long while to feel at home in a group, build trust, identify.
When I was thinking of leaving the ex A, the best remedy I had was to make a plan be. What would I need if I left. where were my resources, What were the steps I needed to take. While I was making the plan my mind was off the ex A. I was not so mired in resentment, fear and obsession.
I'm glad you are here. Al anon can help you whatever else you are doing.
I got so tired of the sneaking and hiding that I finally confronted him and said, "Hey, I know you're drinking. Stop pretending I don't know and that you are not a free man living in America. If you're going to drink then at least stop the sneakiness and pretense and just drink inside the house." (he would step outside numerous times during the day or night to have his beer). That was just making me sick and crazy.