The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had to go to the emergency room over the holiday for an infection that just came up out of nowhere. I went alone and I didn't actually find it that stressful.
During my relationship with the ex A I had to go to the emergency room twice. Both times he absolutely did not want to go and I delayed going because I insisted he go with me. Then when he was there he was totally unsupportive, sulking and uninterested. What I am seeing now is that my need to be "right" that is insist he do something he clearly did not want to do and failed at doing each time, almost killed me. I am very lucky to be here.
I remember one day while I was still married to my "A" he called me at work. I had just found out that one of my old clients had passed away suddenly from a heart attack. My ex knew I was hurting and promised that whatever I wanted that night I could have. All I wanted was to be held and he wasn't able to do that. Accepting that was an unrealistic expectation to have on my very acitve "A" was really difficult for me. That is also when I realized that I needed to look elsewhere for my comfort.
That was when I started taking care of me and reaching out for support from my alanon family.
Keep taking care of you.
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
That is a great share. Learning how to take care of ourselves is the key to alanon program and living the life we deserve.
Before program I too had a set of behaviors that I expected from a husband and I too would go to any lenghts to achieve my goal. That was prior to program and learning that I was poweerless over people places and things. I then received new new constructive tools to live my life and I did not have to NEED others to take care of me. What FREEDOM!!!.
I am glad you are here sharing the journey. I can hear your growth and wisdom with each new issue that you face and "Do It Different"
I had an episode this weekend. We had plans to take my granddaughters to our beach house. A son would also be there. My husband does not really like going to the beach but I was insisting. I don't like to make the drive on a holiday weekend. Two days before we were to go I told him he didn't have to go. My thought was that it would be more enjoyable without someone that really didn't want to be there. I was right.
I know it hurts when a partner can not be or is not supportive. Not long ago I was taking my parents to the airport. My bf was supposed to come with us so I would not have to drive back by myself. I don't mind the driving but just wanted some company. When we got ready to leave he decides he's not feeling well and is not going.
I didn't make a big deal out of it and we left. Yes the ride back was boring but I made it just fine.
thanks for sharing maresie, i have similiar problems with my A. the other day, not different from any other time in my life, i was being tramped on by one of her (temporary) dogs and there was absolutely no reaction at all. she doesnt care one way or another when im hurt, and i felt that sink in for the first time in my life. very painful to realize that, but being angry about it for the other 99% of my life didn't help either. i hope to heal from this.
I had a very very hard time accepting the ex a was totally unavailable. I put my health, my entire emotional well being and my whole life on the line because I could not accept it.
Maresie.
maresie wrote:
I had to go to the emergency room over the holiday for an infection that just came up out of nowhere. I went alone and I didn't actually find it that stressful.
During my relationship with the ex A I had to go to the emergency room twice. Both times he absolutely did not want to go and I delayed going because I insisted he go with me. Then when he was there he was totally unsupportive, sulking and uninterested. What I am seeing now is that my need to be "right" that is insist he do something he clearly did not want to do and failed at doing each time, almost killed me. I am very lucky to be here.
Absolutely! I agree 100%. Recently was back with the exA for a bit and there were so many things I would have jumped in and tried to control before, tried to change, tried to give advice - actually that is not true - I have never tried to change him - but I always wanted to. I didn't accept him for who he was. I judged and built resentments. Instead, not even having to fight the urge to control or judge . . . it was completely gone, I just watched. I am not right, my way isn't "right" - but it needs to be a good fit for me. He is going to do what he is going to do, and there is nothing I can do about that. But - does it work for me? In the end, no. It was easy to walk away and move on. No hysterics, no drama - I just watched, was patient, and finally just said - well this is a "no". We are not right, wrong, and no one is to blame. This just isn't a fit!
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I can get hooked into an alcoholic's games in a second. I can now see that I will not get my "needs" met there so I do have some sense of a boundary.
I think my own fear, sense of loss, confusion and urgency drove me to make enormously bad decisions that entered into a cycle of loss, rejection, resentment and impulsivity.
Great example that reminds me of how hard I would try to make my A recognise and react to my needs as I wanted him to. It did not work for either of one us. As in your example it usually made everything much worse.
Currently my son does not want his ADad (my exA) to come to his graduation next week. My son has alot of changes in his emotions to his dad. I just leave it between them and listen when my son wants to talk. My exA has not participated much in the children's lives and though I used to exchange information with him about the children, he chose not to reciprocate. But today, my exA emailed me wanting information about our son's graduation. I could ignore it, but that doesn't seem right. I could just tell him that I'm leaving it between the two of you, but that doesn't seem like it's a resolution. I don't think I should ask my son what he wants me to do. Don't know what to do. I see my son emotionally hurting so badly, wanting his dad; not wanting his dad. Any suggestions. We've been apart for 4 years now. He continues to "be there but not really be there" and it hurts my kids. He still drinks; he's still self-centered; he can still do underhanded mean things while all the time wearing a smile and presenting himself like such a "good boy".
