Are the result of unhealthy situations...

Whether they were in our childhood or later in life, I have found if I am behaving in an unhealthy way I need to address that, but I also need to address the situation I am in.

As I was going through life many years into my recovery I noticed that around healthy people, intelligent people, recovered people, I was treated as such, and frankly acted as such, people who were loving and vulnerable taught me these skills, and considered me loving, vulnerable, in touch with my emotions, and skillful, but something strange happened, there was an upheaval in my life, I moved to a new place, and thrown in with working and living with, and was soon in a relationship with unhealthy people, I learned I am like Zelig (a movie made by Woody Allen) a man who aquires the attributes of those around him.

I first noticed this with Boundaries, I was in a place in my life where boundaries worked with healthy people, but didn't seem to work the unhealthy people in my life, if I went to a healthy friend and said

When you_____

I felt______

The healthy person with respond with love, empathy and understanding, we would learn how to navigate this together, whether myself or the other person needed to modify their behavior, and how we could do this together to grow our relationship together, afterwards, we were closer

The unhealthy person person responds with JADE
Justify
Argue
Defend
Excuses

and frequently goes on the attack with what I call the "No you" defense, and no matter how many different ways you try to explain somehow it's you who has made the mistake and are messed up for feeling this way.

Nothing was ever resolved, afterwards we were more distant.

After a few years of this, and not learning how to detach and set internal boundaries, I became hurtful, angry, and vindictive, not only that, within a year I was displaying all of the character defects of those around me, whether it was being hurtful, snooping, spying, jealous, whatever, I lost touch with my internal integrity as a result of Gaslighting and The Double Bind.

Gaslighting is a person says one thing but does another, like says "I love you" but the actions say the opposite, they keep you arms length, lie to you, remain distant etc the words say one thing but the actions are the opposite, this has the effect of driving the recipient literally and figuratively crazy. Saying something like "I have total transparency with you with everything" and then hiding things, erasing all text messages and phone logs, hiding everything but saying "we have total transparency", in other words, saying one thing and doing the exact opposite.

The Double Bind is when someone says one thing and does the opposite and it's always a lose/lose situation, the damned if you do, damned if you don't part of the equation. When someone says "I love You" then hits you and runs away is Gaslighting and The Double Bind.

It is very confusing and hurtful

Another trigger for my codependency was getting involved with emotionally unavailable people

I got this description from the link above Courtesy of Life Esteem, Published by Simmonds Publications

"The term emotionally unavailable usually refers to those who create barriers between themselves and others in an effort to avoid emotional intimacy. Relationships with an emotionally unavailable people are often depressing and distressing, as their partners end up feeling neglected, unloved and unwanted. Emotionally unavailable people will actually seek out relationships with others, but the problems begin when they are unable to commit fully to their relationships. Because emotionally unavailable people often behave as if they want to be in a relationship, it's important for people to be able to recognize the signs that a person is emotional unavailable."

So while it is important to me to work on myself and my behaviors, to see my past and present, one of the things I have learned is it is impossible for me, and I am only speaking for myself here, it is impossible for me to get mentally healthy while I am involved in unhealthy relationships.

So when I work on my recovery, It behooves me to keep the focus on myself, but it also behooves me to know if I am in a toxic environment, one thing I have learned is it takes "two to Tango", there is never just one sick person in a relationship, there are always two of us.

So one of the things I need to look at in my life are my choices, if I find myself in the same situation again and again, it's me that put me there, one thing I found particularly helpful was to do the steps in a column, then I saw myself again and again doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.

If I look at my relationships individually I always have a "story" about what happened, why it happened that way, there is a sequence of events that "let me off the hook", but when i wrote about my relationships in a column format, there I was again and again and again, doing the same thing with different people over and over.

Today, I don't have any answers, but my questions are a lot better, and I have finally learned to begin detaching rather then chasing, I have learned to observe, rather then react, and I will take that as a good beginning.

My reactions are beginning to change, so my relationships are beginning to change, and now rather then focus on what needs to be changed in them, I can focus on what needs to be changed in myself, and I can also ask myself the hard questions like:

Is this what I want in my life?
Does this bring me peace?
Do I feel safe? Loved? trust?

The focus has begun to shift to me, and that took some doing, so it is possible, it just takes awhile.

So what is it I look for now in a relationship?



This is all just my experience and opinion, I am no therapist and no authority, this is just some ramblings inspired by some recent reading on this forum, thank you for your time.


-- Edited by AGO on Tuesday 1st of June 2010 07:52:19 AM

-- Edited by Karilynn on Tuesday 1st of June 2010 11:03:34 AM