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My A-fiance is so good at telling me what I want to hear, especially when I'm so upset and he can see that I'm thinking about my future and my choices. How did he get to be so good at this? He tells me he loves me more than anything, that he doesn't like who he is, that he knows he needs to stop, that he's so grateful I've stuck around, and then will usually throw in (for good measure) the "AND I'm going to go to another AA meeting today." Why and how are our A's so good at telling us what we want to hear?
He says these things after deciding that he wants to attend a funeral out of town (for 2 nights) for a college friend. He says this after deciding, yes, he will be going to the wedding out of town and that he'll be going to the rehearsal, wedding, and reception. I'm not going because I know it's likely he'll drink and I know it's not the best thing for me to do. Sure, it's POSSIBLE a newly and struggling sober A can go to these events and not drink, but how likely is it? Let's get real, folks. But it's like today for the first time I didn't HEAR what he was saying. I didn't hear the "I love you" and the "I'm not going to drink, I really want to change!" Instead, I heard what many have described as the.... QUACKING. Quack, quack, quack, says his addiction and his denial. If he really wanted to change, if he was really serious about being sober, he wouldn't be putting himself in these situations to drink. But I'm done partaking in it. I just nod my head and say, "Ok, hun. Good luck." It's so hard to keep my mouth shut. I just want to yell that he's being ridiculous and that I don't want to hear it anymore and can't he see that I'm thinking about leaving because of this exactly. But if I said those things aloud I'd secretly hope he'd really hear ME. But he doesn't hear me, he never has.
(((Zhotdogs))), It's all a part of the disease. The manipulation, knowing what buttons to push (they should they installed them) and saying whatever it is they think will protect the disease.
Your awareness of what was taking place while it was happening shows great growth. You are doing good. Continue to focus on you.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
That is perfect... never thought of it as "quacking" but it is a really good visual. You are growing in your recovery when you say "ok Hon" even though you are pretty sure that it is NOT going to go well. This detaching is the toughest. I catch myself thinking "Is he where is says he is? Is he going to slip?" Then as soon as I think them, I make myself stop and say "It is none of your business. Stop." I have decided what I am going to do (myself) if he drinks again and that is the end of it. I can't control the future but I can control what I do depending on the path I need to take. I sincerely hope that it goes well for him and he can abstain of drinking for him and for you.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; It's about dancing in the rain.
((((ZHDs))))...Good growth..."If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...IT'S A DUCK!!" Quack!! That is one of the tools that my early sponsor used to break thru my denial that my alcoholic was...alcoholic. She looked like one, walked like one and talked like one. LOL now when ever I'm around ducks and one walks past me I smile and say, "there goes my alcoholic". Good job!! (((((hugs)))))
He's not going to drink because he is at the wedding or because he put himself in that situation, if he drinks it's because he is an alcoholic. You did a good job of not reacting. You probably realized where that conversation would have gone...downhill.
Telling us what we want to hear is their way of trying to manipulate us. They want us to jump on their roller coaster ride. You said no to the free ticket. Good for you.
In one ear and out the other...quack...quack...quack...like water off a ducks back !!!
Yes, it is quack, quack, quack, the difficulty is he believes his own quacking, good for you for not taking the 'free ticket'. I am going to be avoiding a free ticket myself over an event over the next few days.
You are right not to trust him based on past actions, and that is the important thing to do is watch someones actions
As RLC said if he drinks it's not because he was at the wedding or stubbed his toe, or the sun was out, or it rained, he drank because he drank. He may have drank because he is an alcoholic, but I don't know the man, so I can't say.
The Inverse was true, when I was newly sober I was a bartender, and went to a number of drinking events such as weddings, and didn't drink, any program that relies on shielding the alcoholic from temptation will ultimately fail in the long run anyway, because aint no one in the world that can protect an alcoholic from his own thinking.
When it was time for me to drink, nothing and nobody could stop me, when it time for me to get sober, nothing and nobody could stop me, and I was as merciless in the pursuit of my sobriety as I was in the pursuit of my alcoholism
I liked what Canadian Guy said the other day, why should he work his program if I am already working his program for him, I find it best to jus' stick with working my own, because that has been one of the most bitter lessons I learned, if I am taking your inventory and working your program, that is the exact opposite of working my own. They taught me that in AA 15 years before I washed up in Alanon, I wished I woulda listened.
During a 'conversation' that I had with my AW last night, this post popped into my head. In between the 'I'll try harder' and 'you need to help me', my brain was processing a lot of quacking (and an occational Charlie Brown Parent wa-wa-wa sounds). Normally, I would try to respond to a lot of what she would be saying, but last night, it was short answers and eventually me walking away from the 'conversation', just to keep my sanity.
sirpher wrote:In between the 'I'll try harder' and 'you need to help me', my brain was processing a lot of quacking (and an occational Charlie Brown Parent wa-wa-wa sounds).
LOL... when I first read this thread the Charlie Brown wah-wah was the first thing I thought of. Guess we're showing our age eh?
It took me quite a while to stop taking everything my soon ex-AH said as the truth.
I've heard those same things before - "I'm sorry. I know I need to work on myself. You've put up with so much. I'm lucky to have you." and so on. I used to love hearing those words, but after hearing them so many times and not seeing any change accompany those words, I stopped believing them.
Talk is cheap, goes the saying.
Show me your actions and then I'll know if you're sincere or not.
The thing is, with my AH, it's still hard for me to determine what was truth, what was truth that got waylaid by the alcoholism, and what were blatant lies.
You are growing in your recovery when you say "ok Hon" even though you are pretty sure that it is NOT going to go well. This detaching is the toughest. I catch myself thinking "Is he where is says he is? Is he going to slip?" Then as soon as I think them, I make myself stop and say "It is none of your business. Stop." I have decided what I am going to do (myself) if he drinks again and that is the end of it. I can't control the future but I can control what I do depending on the path I need to take. I sincerely hope that it goes well for him and he can abstain of drinking for him and for you.