The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I first want to say that I am so grateful for all the responses and welcomes to this website. My hope and steadfastness increased tremendously as I read each reply and message I got. Thank you very much, I can't explain how much I appreciate you all and this website.
This awareness is so new to me, that I'm overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts. Dread, anxiety, fear, sorrow, this list goes on. I'm an overachiever at heart, and the desire to "be fixed now" drives me crazy. I know in my heart that this is going to be a process, so I'm constantly reminding myself to take it not just one day at a time, but one minute at a time. I know this behavioral change will take time, I'll do my best.
I'm writing in a diary all my thoughts, fears, ideas, whatever that comes to mind through a day. One thing I notice I've been writing is that I have different struggles during different times of the day. I figure I better take each time of day and what is going on and how to change my behavior one thing at a time.
So taking the morning, right when I wake up, I immediately wake up in a manic state. My heart is racing, my mind hits 100 mph, and I start to obsess about my ex-gf. I so desperately want to call her, text her, send her an email, and then the thoughts go deeper: wanting to see her Facebook page, drive by her house, call one of her friends and slyly try to say things to that person that may get back to the ex-gf, etc. I know it's a control issue. I have been ok so far, not doing any of that, but then I start to go inside my brain and think about her and things we used to do, and I get a terrible lonely feeling. I then want to medicate this feeling with wanting to call another girl I know to have a hook up with, or I will look at internet porn.
I do not like waking up in this manner. I want to be grateful to my HP for giving me another day, and I want to wake up with a feeling of contentment or just wake up and start my day without the manic state and obsessive and compulsive feelings described above.
I'm a strong believer that new thinking does not lead to changed behavior, but new behavior leads to changed thinking. What are some good things I can do in the morning that has worked for everyone out there? Getting on this website and reading the posts are helpful, and I know this outlet of writing about it, getting it out in the open and calling it how it is, is good for me, but any other insight or advice I would really appreciate.
Mike
-- Edited by mclaughlin73 on Wednesday 26th of May 2010 10:19:20 AM
I love your insight and honesty. It is clear you have absorbed a great deal of the alanon principles. I always found the best way to start my day so that I do not go into the past or try to manipulate the day or the future I:Immediately say the serenity prayer, Remind myself that I am living One Day at a Time, I will only focus on today, I write a gratitude list, read an alanon book with the thought for the day .
Every time during the day I am distracted or feel myself drifting back I redo one of the above or make a alanon call.
The interesting thing is we can train our minds/brains/hearts to behave differently.... One thing that worked for me was preparation..... As in, the night before - make a plan of "what I am going to do if I start obsessing about the ex g/f"..... i.e. that may be something like writing down your thoughts about her and NOT sending them to her (putting it in a God-box, or some such thing); or going to workout instead of sitting around fretting about her; or keeping busy/occupied with whatever interests you might have....
Hope that helps Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place. Consider going to face to face meetings for Alanon also.
I just want to say welcome to my world. My Ahsober left 5 years ago after 30 years of marriage. He has been sober for over 20 years and is a dry drunk. He was diagnosed as a "Love Avoidant" and I was diagnosed as a "Love Addict". So I still obsess about what he is doing, who he is with, why he left, does he still love me, etc. Throughout our marriage I tried to fix it and still want to fix it. I know now having been in Alanon I need to fix myself. The best call for me has been to take care of myself in the most postive way possible ie running, eat healthy, call my sponsor, attend meetings, etc. When I get unhealthy, every goes to crap. As they say in the program, take what you like and leave the rest.
Thank you Betty, Tom, and Nancy. I will incorporate all your ideas into my morning (and as Tom said, evening before) routine. I am so grateful for your wisdom. I'll check in as my day goes by.
I don't have much advice to give on mornings. I'm not a morning person. I wasn't one when I was drinking, I wasn't one before I drank, I wasn't one when I was a kid, and I'm not one now that I'm sober. I'm not one bubbly cheery pep-talk away from becoming a morning person. One of the reasons my current marriage is successful is because my wife (who is a morning person) respects this aspect of me and doesn't try to change it.
I deal with mornings this way: I prepare everything the night before, and I mean everything. My morning is an extremely short routine that doesn't tolerate distractions or chit chat. I don't want to talk, or think, or make decisions. Everything is ready to go and I can be in the car in minutes, and slowly adjust to waking life during the 25 minute drive to work, drink some coffee, etc.
I'm not sure how to not obsess on the departed lover/GF/wife. Basically when she left me, the front and center spot became a big black hole. It was like having only peripheral vision. What was in front of me, occupying center stage, was HER, but I blotted her out. Anything else I tried to move to center was swallowed by the black hole. It was unfillable, but unpursueable. The only thing that worked for me was to live in peripheral vision until the black spot gradually shrank away to nothing.
Ironically the best part about becoming single was that my mornings became peaceful. No prodding from her, no extraneous hubbub - she always bantered with the kids, argued with them, had the radio/TV on... it took a while but I found I could get out of bed to a quiet house and nothing was going to spook me right back under the covers. I tried every suggestion of getting up earlier for quiet time, but found it a waste. I was miserable watching the clock tick thinking I could still be sleeping. Better to have that extra hour in the evening when I'm at peak and can really use it and enjoy it. It wasn't until about 8-9 years single that I finally perfected my morning routine. The minimum impact, no-decision, short and sweet robotic ritual is what made it bearable for me. I had to just accept myself as I was instead of becoming the morning person that most everybody else thought I should be.
Mike, What works for me. I keep busy lol and I mean really busy.
I start my day at 4 (lol it's not as bad as it sounds) and I hit the gym first thing. I can get all my energy out that I need to and I spend a lot of time reflecting on me. (When your on a machine for an hour with no place to go you have a lot of time to think) I don't go to the negative place. I force myself to come up with things that I am proud about myself about. Working up a good hard sweat first thing in the morning starts my day off just the way I need to.
Then it's off to work. Starting my day off on such a postive note has really changed my attitude at work.
I come here when I need to vent, but mostly to give back what I have been given. I go to my meetings and I am very involved in service.
When I want to reach out to my ex bf I call someone in the program. I call my sponsor or my other trusted friends. I may even go back to the gym and work out that energy. It really just depends on what emotion I am feeling. If it's lonliness I deal with that. If it's anger I deal with that and so on. The more I focus on me the more I am aware of how I am feeling and why I do what I do.
I really related to wanting to be fixed now! I want posted on this last week. I have a picture of where I want to be and I want to get there now, but at the same time I am enjoying the journey that I am on. Also I know me and I am one stubborn girl and for me it really has to hurt for me to "get" it.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Hi and welcome. Your therapist (and many others) are getting turned on/clued into the fact that twelves steps can work for just about anyone - that doesnt know how to focus on themselves.
I read ur other post and see that you grew up with a dry drunk father. I can relate, as an acoa we have similar tendencies and traits. I too was a perfectionist (that is still hard to shake) and I had other issues that stemmed from it as well. You would benefit from acoa literature, the book 12 steps for adult children helped me with my alanon, as my feelings all went back to anxiety or guilt and that motivated my behavior for most of my life. I too was an over achiever. It all stems (IMHO) from growing up in the dysfunction and chaos of a dysfunctional family. We lack boundaries and often dont have any, growing up. It is no wonder u are confused now. We develop coping mechanisms that are more like basic survival in our families. We learn to anticipate what the other person wnats and to be focused on them, thier feelings all the while ignoring ourselves and caught up in that manipulative dynamic.
The good news is, as adults we can change. We can make diffrent choices. Once I began making my choices based on how I would end up feeling in the end - it got easier to make critical and difficult choices. I had to boundary out alot of people that I was giving more to then I was getting in return. I keep re evaluating and shifting my energy around.
Alanon will give you coping skills for life that work for you. First things first - get focused on YOU. YOU are the only person you can control or change. No matter what we do - the other person will make their own choices and do what they want. Manipualting people to an outcome that u think you want, probably wont be fulfilling or satisfying. For me the big factor in that - is that I wanted to be sure that the man I was with truly wanted me, and I was his choice, not that I was convenient or able to manipualte him. Those relationships dont feel good and if the person is healthy and has any boundaries, they will not tolerate our manipulative games. Codependency is - being focused on someone else.
I started with first focusing on me, then I was able to define and determine my true needs versus my wants, desires and fantasies. I found that what I needed and what I wanted did not always align. What I need is much more important, what I wanted in the past, was often not even healthy/good for me.
I do think boundaries are a huge factor in our recoveries and disease. Growing up there werent any. As an adult in alanon for five years, I now have all kinds of boundaries for myself, that allow me to not be comprised anymore.
I am naturally obsessive compulsive - I have ADD/ADHD which made not focusing on others seem even harder lol -but- I was able to get focused on me, to start the discovery of self love and learning to put me first and foremost. I know how hard it is to re direct the mind but you can do it. When Id catch myself thinking about someone else's mental health - I would pull me back to me and focus on how I was feeling and what I could do to allow me to feel better, that day.
Tomorrow and yesterday dont exist. What we focus on grows. I was obsesssed with the past pains and the worries of the future and the unknown. Well, worrying is a rocking chair - give u something to do but gets u no where. It is a negative emotional state. All it does it takes you away from YOU. Learn to be present, in right now - this is reality and right now u can make a change or ponder a new choice for your life. Yes, we have to resolve the past and yes no one knows what tomorrow brings, it is not reality. The magic question for me daily was - what can I do to allow me to feel better right now? So if what ur doing is not allowing you to feel better, the changes you make will be welcome and empowering.
I liked Tom's sugguestion of creating a plan the night before. To me that is kinda what a boundary is like, it gives me a plan of action to follow.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
"I'm a strong believer that new thinking does not lead to changed behavior, but new behavior leads to changed thinking."
That is exactly how this program of change works. Thinking changes nothing it is putting the horse before the cart. Do what others are doing which are getting them what you want and you will get what you want.
For me one of the earliest lessons was to practice patience along with new behaviors so that my life would change. It also took remembering that practice makes perfect and this is not a perfect program for perfect people but one of progress over a life time. Change comes eventually, over time so my prayers were for patience and persistence and faith in the process; people and program. That is what worked for me and still does.
I memorized the "Just for Today" pamphlet and it became a mindset and daily plan. I memorized the St. Francis of Assissi prayer at the end of that pamphlet so that I could re-direct my poor me attitude into one of being helpful with others. That is how a drunk gets and stays sober...working with others. Amazing miracle it is that when I focus on the support of another person my own problems and grief disappear.
Learning the short prayer "Lord take this from me" also helps a ton.
Oh, cool, Jerry... would u mind typing the Lord take it from me prayer?
I havent seen that one - I often tell people (And I do this too LOL) but I have prayed and gotten to a place of genuine, sincere effort and pray, 'I willingly and freely surrender this ____ feeling/thought(s) to you, accept it from me now!' More or less, that is how I do it.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
