The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wrote earlier about how I struggle to detach myself from my ex-girlfriend (in recovery in AA) after she broke up with me about a month ago. We are still not speaking and I am in the space where I absolutely dont know how she is. Thats the first time since I met her more than three years ago.
Although I am finding it hard and still worry about her, Im starting to get on with my things. I do have to go back to meetings, write gratitude list every night and remind myself of the knowledge and awareness I have learned in Al-Anon. As soon as I feel things are going a bit smoother I have a tendency to get back into old thinking.
My worries about my ex-girlfriend are probably for nothing. As far as I know she is doing the steps with her sponsor in AA, and the fact that she no longer contacts me show that she is more independent. I know this is good for her. And because I love her I will do whatever I can to stay away. It feels weird, but hard as it feels to me, I believe the best I can do for her at the moment is to do nothing.
Every time I do contact her I probably lower my chances to ever get to be with her again. I hope there is a chance that we can be friends one day, but I can still not picture seeing her as just as a friend. When she said to me earlier that she dont see me as a boyfriend any more, but still as her best friend, I got so sad. But I am grateful that she doesnt hate my guts.
I also write a fears list before the gratitude list. And looking on the history of that, I can see that my focus is changing. Its not that much about her anymore, but more about my own life and my studies at the university. And so many new worries about me have appeared!!! I am doing badly at exams because of no or little revision, Im late for picking my dissertation subject, I dont know where to store my stuff over the summer when I go home to Norway and I worry so much about my loan. I have a massive loan of more than 200.000$ because of my studies. My degree is weak, so I dont know how I will be able to pay it back.
These new worries I have been blind for so long is probably something its healthy to be aware of. As long as I dont let them prevent me in doing the best I can every day.
The best thing I do before I go to bed is to write a did well list Little things that make me proud of how I handled the day. This makes me do things for myself every day. Things that need to be done always give me a sense of relief. And its so good to see this before I go to bed. I always write fears, gratitude and did well in that order. That helps me get good thoughts and help me to sleep.
There is always something I could have done better or things I didnt get to do, that I would like to do. But its much better to think of the things I did do (good things), than beat myself up and lose sleep over the things I didnt do. If I lose sleep, I will not do well the next day and can easily turn into a vortex of self pity.
Thanks again for being here all. I think Im getting ready to reply to others posts now. I have only been in Al-Anon for a month, but I have learned so much already. I can use my tools if I stay awake, but I still hope to someday get a sponsor to help me go through the steps. They seem to be the key to more progress.
Today is not a punishment
Are
__________________
If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
This is a program of progress not perfection. You have a lot on your plate. Remember you are doing the best you can at this place and time. You sound much better and should be proud of yourself. Everybody works a program differently. The fact that you don't have a sponsor yet is no big deal. That takes time. You have a lot on your plate right now. Remember those baby steps & ODAT.
The best thing you can do for your ex is to turn her over to her HP and let them do the rest. Concentrate on yourself. All will be well. You will respond to posts when you are ready. Many people linger here before even posting. That's what we're here for. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I lived in fear and anxiety most of my life. Many of us have financial issues I think that may go hand in hand with alcoholism.
I'm glad you are here and using the board. I am very grateful for this place which has given me a safety net when I was fearful and anxious and did not know where to turn.
The best thing I do before I go to bed is to write a did well list Little things that make me proud of how I handled the day. This makes me do things for myself every day. Things that need to be done always give me a sense of relief. And its so good to see this before I go to bed. I always write fears, gratitude and did well in that order. That helps me get good thoughts and help me to sleep.
There is always something I could have done better or things I didnt get to do, that I would like to do. But its much better to think of the things I did do (good things), than beat myself up and lose sleep over the things I didnt do. If I lose sleep, I will not do well the next day and can easily turn into a vortex of self pity.
Today is not a punishment
Are
((Dear Are))
What a very powerful post. It is so clear that you have selected some very constructive tools to use in your recovery. I really appreciated how you shared on the use of your lists Fears List , Did Well List and Gratitude list. You are keeping the focus on yourself with positive actions and thoughts.
Hi Cosmos! I met you very briefly in the chat room last night.
Yours is a very powerful, constructive post. I wish I could be so positive! I like the idea of making a list of fears, gratitude and did well, each evening. I think I might try that.
Well done for finding this board. It has been something of a life-saver for me and everyone is so supportive they have really helped to keep me going.
Good luck with finding solutions to your problems - particularly around student loan and degree. Hope to "talk" to you again soon.
Thanks for replies. I'm glad you liked my post, but I said it's not easy. This morning I woke up from dreams about my ex-girlfriend. That does not make it easier. I must do something to clear my head.
Have a meeting I can go to at mid-day totay I haven't tried mefore. If this is good I might stop to go to meetings on Sundays. The sunday meetings is in the room next to where my ex-girlfriend goes to her AA meetings. And Last sunday I was way too distracted by that fact. I'll see how I feel.
A new fear have come up for me. And that is that I am scared of forgetting my ex-girlfriend. I know I won't forget her completely. But I have to other ex-girlfriends that also was quite close to me once. Maybe not in the same way, but still. They are so distant today. And the memmories are distant. It all belong to distant past.
It's probably me being scared off letting go, but today I feel really scared that my ex-girlfriend that have been my number 1 for three years is going to be nothing but a distant memmory...
Thanks for being here all. I think I need some fresh air.
Are
__________________
If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
