Found this interesting.... - Al-Anon Family Group

Hopeless · Senior Member

Found this interesting....

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to tread very carefully with making other people happy. My people pleasing is fear based. In my denial I can convince myself I know what someone needs when I don't. I also set myself up for relationships where I give till I'm drowing. I don't think I yet know a healthy balance.

Right now I am pretty hands off with making other people happy. I'm more into trying to make my own life workable so I'm not compulsive about people pleasing anymore.

maresie.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

That was interesting and Im glad Deepak's wasnt the only quote I read (I read the others, too) bc I dont know if I totally agree with Deepak and I love that guy! But focusing on making other people happy - which I understand if you are healthy and balanced in other areas of your life - is a great added benefit, to spread that joy and happiness around to others - great concept but not one that I think many of us are ready for. Learning to focus on -just me- has taken me a few years in program, as well as being able to set helathy boundaries for myself - so I can remain true to me and inside of me (emotionally) and not - enmeshed with other's emotionally.

I do think that inner joy comes from inside and it is through a relationship with HP, having fulfillment in your life interpersonally and balance in your life. Probably loving yourself and accepting reality is a huge factor to it too. Idk, just my opinion/.02 cents.

Thanks, it was thought provoking.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Morning

The May 22nd reading in the "Courage to Change" really touched my soul today. It reminded me that:

" I am powerless to change the fact that alcoholism has affected my life and only a power greater than myself can overcome the effects of this disease"

This is a powerful statement. I am so fortunate to have found this program for it virtually saved my life.

tlcate · Senior Member

I agree with it. And I think the focus here is "helping" others. It doesn't say to sacrifice yourself for others' happiness. I think taking care of ourselves, as codependents, is our primary focus to being able to be of service and help others. Being an active part of our community and doing step 12.

It is a dangerous place for us. We can take it too far. It is funny - for alcoholics we are pushed to stay sober. Don't drink. Repair your life. Change your thinking. Stop focusing on yourself and help others. It goes hand in hand. It is a clear and simple (not easy) path.

For Al-Anoners we are asked the opposite. Stop focusing on others and take care of yourself. Stop trying to control others and making ourselves and others miserable with our emotional martyrdom. Then we are supposed to go out and be of service and help others - without falling into our old behaviors. It is like asking an alcoholic to go hang out in a bar and 12 step others. Alcoholics can stay within the realm of sobriety and recovery and help others. They are surrounded by sobriety and have support when 12 stepping others. We Al-Anoners have to help others - and that in itself is a slippery slope. We have to be careful and lean on those in recovery to make sure we are not helping too much. Odd dynamic.

It is difficult. Some AA meetings I leave and want to drink. There are meetings out there that don't focus so much on recovery and the solution, but focus more on what we call the "drunk-o-log" and we spend an hour plus talking about the problem and not focusing on the solution. There is a lot of "what it was like" but not much "what it is like now" and how to get from A to B. (I avoid those meetings BTW) Same with Al-Anon. I go and listen to others, hear their pain, want to help too much and have to fight it. Then I have to focus and really pull out what it is all about. I have to grab onto the recovery and HEAR in those stories the reasons that I am now in recovery and my life became unmanageable. I have to listen to the solution and not hold onto the comfort and familiarity of my old behaviors. I have to look at my life, my serenity, and how much those have grown since coming into the programs.

It takes practice to find the balance - it takes practice to understand the limitations and hear those little voices that say "it's ok to drink" or "I just want to help" and know that it is not good for us.

Just my take. Thanks for the topic, it really got me thinking (obviously - sorry for the ramble).

tlc

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