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After two years of really not knowing where I wanted to go in my relationship with my AH after discovering he'd been cheating on me and hiding a sexual identity issue, I've finally decided it's time.
I actually reached a decision that "enough was enough" during a counseling session with him back in January. It was really painful... my own husband couldn't bring himself to say he's attracted to me. It hurt so bad that I decided after that day that I was going to start my exit from the relationship.
I didn't announce my plans to him, though, as I was honestly scared of how he'd react. The last time he'd thought we were going to possibly get a divorce, he tried to kill himself. So I spent late January all the way up through yesterday emotionally distancing myself from my AH as much as possible.
It was a difficult thing to do. I went through an angry phase where I was starting to border on being nasty and verbally abusive to my AH. I didn't want that for myself or him, so I asked my HP to help me through it. Eventually the anger went away and I just started to detach more and more, silently going through the grieving process even though he and I were still together, and as far as he could understand, I wasn't planning to go anywhere.
I went to the Spring Assembly on Oahu last weekend. My AH dropped me off at the airport and there was just a very sad distance in his hug to me. I was really saddened that my husband couldn't tell me "love you" when I was flying away. Thankfully I was kept busy over the weekend at the Assembly, but when I got home, that same sad void was there. I spent Tuesday night crying in my bedroom, just wanting the emotional pain to stop. I just about went to my husband that night and told him I wanted a divorce.
I locked up, though, and wasn't sure if I wanted to. For some reason, the timing felt *almost* right. But I wasn't sure, so I gave it up to God. Just asked for help, asking "what do I do?"
I had a rough night of sleep and a phone call with my sponsor in the morning.
I'm ashamed to admit my old snoopy self decided to step in and I looked at his Facebook account yesterday, and I got my clear answer right there... he'd been talking with a friend and had mentioned to her that he thought he might be going through a divorce soon.
I figured the time was right. My AH was clearly in a place where he could see the direction things were going. He wasn't in his crazy la-la land of denial that he's lived in for a couple of years, pretending everything is perfect. He was home from work yesterday, so I went home early and just sat down and told him, "I'm not happy anymore. I want a divorce."
I truly thank God for the right timing. There was no alcoholic blow-up or overreaction. I think I could almost sense some relief from my AH. I'm grateful we were able to sit and discuss it as two adults with a mutual interest in admitting defeat and that neither of us were happy any longer and we need to move on.
So now I'm in a weird sort of zone in my life. I'm getting divorced. Something I never thought I'd have to do until everything got turned upside down a couple years ago. I know I tried to find a solution where I could be happy and stay married to my AH, but I just cannot stand up to his disease. It's too powerful and it was going to crush me some day.
I don't know what our next step is going to be. We both discussed that we don't have to jump immediately, but that we also shouldn't prolong things. I'm just wondering what I might do for myself... get my car insured under my own name... remove my name from the joint bank account... separate our phones so I have my own line and separate bill... then there's the matter of housing. Where will I live? I might run it by a couple of friends to see if they'd like to do a roommate situation. Would be nice to not have to move... but moving just may be in the cards. I know I just want to follow God's guidance and not get into a place where I'm trying to force solutions - like force living situations, get my head wrapped around one thing and one thing only.
I've let my immediate family know. My sponsor knows and some of my friends from the Wednesday night meeting are aware now, too. I feel locked up about telling anyone else right now. It's a small town and my husband and I have a lot of mutual friends. I want to just get it all out in the open but I don't want to have it turn into a drama.
One thing at a time. I just needed to type to get this all off my mind. It's chewing at me. I'm in that uncomfortable place of feeling like I need to be reacting quickly, but my recovery self is telling me to just sit and wait.
Thanks to all my friends here for letting me share.
You are right---one thing at a time---one day at a time---you are taking care of yourself first. Anyone can live in a given situation, the program gives us the tools---but living in a situation and being happy in that situation are very different. Try as we can, our happiness and our senerity are two things we don't need taken away---life is short.
I am sorry it has come to an end ,but as u say its much better this way for both of you , you will grieve and miss him but u will move on . u have program people to support you , family members who may not understand but will support you anyway . sometimes there is just too much to fix . Once the decission is made life takes on a different tone , divorces don't have to be nasty and who knows you may come out of this with a friend .. good luck . Louise
(( aloha )) I think it is a great idea to take your time and go very slowly. I too would force solutions, only to not like where I ended up. No one wants to break up, it is painful but you are lucky that it is what you both are feeling and this time. It just seems like mutally, it is a much better situation. I know I literally ran away from my exAH - and he accused me of "abandonning him". I didnt buy that bc since he was so abusive, I felt he abandonned me daily.
If u can both take your time and treat each other with respect and maintain dignity, that sounds so much better then the alternative. Like abby sd, 'maybe u will end up with a friend' which is a mature and lovely prospect.
Take extra special care of YOU and there is no rush. As u get more comfortable with the idea, I am sure HP will show you more choices. Looking back on my divorce (10 yrs ago) I had wished I had done grief counseling/therapy for it, it would have allowed me to process the whole thing much faster, instead of getting over it very slowly - which took me (honestly) around eight years - ugh. Never should have taken that long, I wished I had gone to therapy sooner - guess I needed to punish myself those years lol. I have a sense that you will go about it in a much healthier way then I did and for that I am very happy for you. My exAH never would have been mature enough to do any of that, hence how it happened - I ran away from him on vacation. Suddenly, impuslively. I was praying a lot too, in the last 6 months I got lots of signs and on that vacation - it became clear to me that I had to choose me or him.
Good luck to you and kudos for doing it with style/maturity. tc
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
When you mentioned defeat it brought back so many memories of feeling like i failed at marriage. I have no idea if there is a way around that defeated feeling for a time. It does get better and eventually feels less like a defeat and more like a very difficult learning experience. I wish for you to pass thru this time as easily as possible, you're in my prayers.
I can identify with your post. My AHsober moved out five years ago. He said he wanted a divorce but has never filed. I have distanced myself from him too. Why be close? He can't say I love you, he can't be affectionate, he fills his needs with other people. I realize now that I created an illusion in my own mind. I think I just wanted it to be a certain way and it was a fantasy.
All the best. I need to move on but it is diffcult. My goal is June 1 to start changing the names ont he cars, etc. All the best to you for your journey. The Alanon program is there for both of us.
Aloha, My heart goes out to you. You are not alone. I'm in the process of a divorce. I was married for 36 years. It is amazing to me now to realize how long I was able to live this illusion. I still moarn a little over what I "thought" we had. I don't moarn over him; I moarn the illusions I held onto.
It is difficult to realize the truth, especially after such a long time. But at the same time, admitting the truth gives me the strength to make a new life for myself.
I hope this makes sense. I'm having difficult expressing my thoughts lately. I think divorce does that sometimes.
I hope you find your answers and peace. GailMichelle
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Yes, this is difficult but you have handled a very difficult situation well. Take it easy with the stuff that has to be done, bank account first in my opinion.
I myself have trouble with the thought of divorce. But I have played the thought around in my head long enough now that it wouldn't be devastating to me anymore if it comes to that. It's hard to think about after 32 years of marriage. I have trouble with the thought of "quitting". I am NOT a quitter!! BUT I read somewhere in one of my books that sometimes when you divorce you are NOT quitting, it is just done. In my mind, that makes sense to me. If we come to that, I am just done, not quitting. I wish you the BEST! The road ahead of you will be scary, but so exciting!! A new adventure! Keeping us posted on your journey....
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
I definetely had to grieve the loss of my illusions, fantasies and dreams that I thought my life would be, but wasnt.
I agree sweet stanley - we come to the end of something, even though in our society, divorce means a failure - I do not. I would have been a failure in my eyes, if I continued in that toxic relationship. God wants me to be loving and when the person ur with is abusing you, how is that god's will? I think we have lessons to learn and that is what it comes down to.
-- Edited by kitty on Friday 21st of May 2010 09:27:55 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I have been married twice and the last relationship (where I was not married) was the longest one I ever had.
In hindsight I have more compassion for myself and the other parties. I kmow all of us had no idea what we were doing or who we were marrying. At the same time I also know without a good program I made the dismantling hell and so did they.
I think the success of a program is leaving with grace and dignity. As you have taken your time and put a lot of thought into it I have no doubt you are doing that.
Wow. With a few minor exceptions that was my story there. I can tell you by not jumping into things, but taking my time and letting it be time to make my wishes known I am at peace with my choice to divroce. I was sad (and still am to a point), but it felt right.
What an amazing inspirational story you just sahred with us. You showed a picture of a true Al-anon really working her program.
Sending love, thoughts and prayers across the ocean to you.
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I long ago got rid of the misconception that divorce means I failed. I sure agonized over it in possibly the first year after the upheaval we had. But I finally got to a place where I could accept that God doesn't expect me to be perfect, just do the best I can. I also really latched on to that quote: "What you think of me is none of my business.", which really freed me from feeling judged by others should a divorce arrive.
I know for myself I just wished I could have found the magical path to serenity living with a crazy person I cared about. I couldn't find that path, and that's okay - I probably wasn't supposed to. But I sure as hell learned a LOT from this whole experience. I am a changed person, and I have my AH to thank for that - had things not broken down with him, I'd probably still be in my same old sick behaviors - poking my nose in everyone's business, wrapping myself up about how I appear to others, and maintaining a distant "oh, I forgot you're there" relationship with my Higher Power.
If my HP's goal was to bring me closer to him/her (whomever), my HP certainly accomplished that, and I'm grateful for it.
I'm so glad you were able to have a rational discussion about it with your AH. I imagine it helped alleviate some of your fear about making this change in your life. Clearly neither of you were happy - and that is something that everyone deserves.
I too toyed with the idea of divorce for a long time, but felt the time wasn't right. At the time I didn't consider that my HP was teaching me to wait, listen and learn before making that choice. Even after making this decision, acting on it was still a gut wrenching experience for me. Once I did set the process in motion, I STILL grieved the loss - the loss of what was, what could have been, the loss of what my kids could have had with him, etc.... I was taken by surprise at the amount of grief I still had.
I completely relate to what you said about admitting defeat. Yet I don't feel defeated any more. I can hold up my head and honestly say that I did my best. And it was no match for the disease. Looking back, I felt more defeated by continuing to dance with the disease and not attending to my own emotional and spiritual needs.
My divorce process is dragging on and has at times been somewhat nasty, but it has provided me with the opportunity to practice patience and to learn how to have faith that it will eventually come to a close and I will be free to start another chapter in my life. I am grudgingly grateful to my HP for putting my AH in my path and directing me to this program so I can break the pattern that's been present in my family for at least 3 generations.
You have a good program - you know what to do. Easy Does It, First Things First come to my mind as I ponder your post. Lean on us out here in MIP-land - we're here for you.
I wish you the BEST! The road ahead of you will be scary, but so exciting!! A new