The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Aloha MIP Family....In a previous thread I spoke about a major relapse I had where I stepped way out of bounds on a complusive "fix binge" that took me by surprise (don't know why that is what I use to do on a regular basis with my very own alcoholic wife) and a couple of other people also. I did the inventory (searching, fearless and moral) and spoke with others in the program who could help me look at the picture and get myself aligned and into solutions...practice, practice, practice, kill my ego and pride, practice patience and awareness, have compassion for others and view them as the children of God and human beings that they are and okay as they are without me trying to recreate them and make them as I think they should be. (I was waaaaaay off the edge of the cliff on that last one.) I need to focus also on my history...where I came from because that is what comes back in spades during a relapse and I need to stay present my what is my problem...I am a compulsive fixer and enabler.
Made the apology inspite of my pride and ego looking for justifications not to. And went to my meetings. Last nights meeting? Relapse and the First Step and more was revealed. I heard and learned thru the members there that the amends isn't complete and that the acceptance and powerlessness isn't down deep until I forgive myself for what I did. If I don't forgive myself I am holding out on being truely responsible for what I did and I really did it and need to own it all up to and including the forgiveness for it. I am forgiving myself for that relapse (its shakey) and with that process I get to actively feel shakey...guilty and shame (I hate shame!!). Need to work on letting it go without justification just let it go and go past it. I also have made some changes which are to stay away from toxic people, places and things just like the alcoholic and addict cause if I'm there chances are I'm toast.
I'm sticking around and reading and picturing the ESH I get here. Mahalo ((((hugs))))
How to give reassurance to someone who is so self-aware and who has a huge, giving heart and so many wise words for others? I can only say, dear Jerry, no-one is perfect. No-one can give 100% of themselves without the odd relapse! All it shows to those of us who have benefited greatly from your wise, compassionate words is - you are indeed human! So - forgive youself - anyone who knows you would.
Jerry the ESH you get from me is that you have a strong program. So strong in fact that you are being overly hard on yourself. It's over used----but you are only human. Before the program you wouldn't have had a second thought about being a fixer, enabler, controler, or giving advice. There should no guilt or shame involved. In your words you make a mistake. You made amends to everyone involved. You were forgiven by everyone involved, HP included. Now you must forgive yourself.
Only a suggestion----Actually look in a mirror at the only person you haven't forgiven, have a talk with him, tell him he is a good person who only make a mistake, then did the next right thing, made amends to all involved, and now needs to forgive himself. I bet he will.
Remember to take a pair of "wire snips" with you------so you can snip the wires as you are leaving.
My ESH is that when I meet certain people and things come up there is some thing there for me to learn.
I generaly tend to over react to certain people because there is something buried that I need to get to. The meeting or reason for meeting is not really the issue at all.
From one complusive fixer and enable to another don't be too hard on yourself, I have slipped so many times I try not to remember all of them. My AS is so good at what he does that my senses and judgement just gets overwhelmed.
I need help every day with things he throws at me, it becomes such a struggle. I fall into that old trap of "can I live with myself if this is the time that he wants the help out of addiction that I want for him so badly that I can taste it." Notice I didn't say he wanted it and that is what blinds me to being used.
We just have to keep doing the best we can and forgive ourselves for the rest.
Perfection is in the petal of a flower, wilted or vibrate. Expecting the same from ourselves is self defeating. After all if we never make mistakes as people, parents, family members, friends, co-workers or any other capacity, how would anyone learn and teach how to make good on an error?
((((MIP)))) for the responses and they help alot. I'm taking s l o w time...little slow steps and thinking. Got to get into the literature and call my sponsor out of the woods and do a written tenth step...take a few days or a week on it. Simple program and not easy. If I go look in the mirror I'll feel like shaving and it also gets confusing because I lip read an probably think the guy in the mirror is being a smart ass. Hmmm now maybe that's a clue. I also think that this time the wire snips will need to be replaced by cable or bolt cutters...lol Mahalo for the support in the process. (((hugs)))
Oh my gosh! Has anyone told you today that you are an amazing work in progress? Well you are!
By forgiveness you are practicing that love of self that this program teaches us (Page 313 in ODAT). Holding onto the shame (I hate it to) will anchor us in the past and make it impossible to move forward.
You learned from the relapse and just like the "A" who goes back out to see if things are diffrent now, we too do the same. The important thing is realizing that it isn't any better out there. In fact it's worse because we know different this time.
Thank you for sharing your ESH with me. I saw a lot of me in your share and really was in a spot that made me open to really "hear" it.
My sponsor always says when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Well thanks for sharing your lesson with me today teach ;).
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Thank you for this share, for about everything you spoke of I could really use a long hard look at myself, i have been struggling lately with issue with a dear friend, and my Ego/Self Pride will not allow me to look past "ME" and see Her, and i hate it... I carry the guilt because I haven't been handed the answers yet, and well me and patients have Never been friends :(
I love seeing your name on this Board Jerry, I always know that no matter what you write, your Program Pours out of you like Sweet Honey...and I ALWAYS find something to hold on too..You Sharing your Journey with me/us has been nothing short of a blessing to me & Mine ;)
The beauty of our program is that we can restart it whenever we need to. I have slipped so many times that it's a good thing that I have significant padding back there.
You have always taught me that we need to live life on life's terms, not ours. The struggles, the relapses are part of it. It's where we gain insight and strength to continue on. When we get through it we can then sit back and slap ourselves silly at what we did! From adversity comes growth. From insanity comes humor. From HP comes the lessons we live by. You have a strong program and I'm not worried about you. You'll come through this. Remember we have your back. If you think you need a reminder just think of Pipers nipping at your toes! Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks for your great insight into the true alanon process. Forgiving myself is absolutely much harder than forgiving others. You are so right on Shame is a biggie
This program sounds simple but walks hard Thank you for walking this journey with me. It is much easier to share my pain and shame with trusted friends. Thanks for showing the way.
I also loved the idea of not being with toxic people. places or things or I am Toast as well!!
Jerry in my beliefs we believe we are to share what Jesus said when he was here on earth. MY experience.
I just read in our literature, this. Which fits in AA Al Anon and all kinds of things.
That we can share our message, give out literature, that is our job or calling. But it is not up to us to "convince" anyone of anything.
That simple. I tell ya that took a load off me. Because we all know if we have something we just "know" is the truth or "we" know is the way to go, we want others to accept it.
This made me feel better. It let me know what I do is enough.
Hi Jerry, been so busy beating myself up I missed you were doing it too!!! What about a stick down............Ill do it if you will.............you first........NO ....you first...........cmon...... ENOUGH ALREADY
From adversity comes growth. From insanity comes humor. From HP comes the lessons we live by. You have a strong program and I'm not worried about you. You'll come through this. 