The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AGO's thread on the hardware store really got me thinking. Which is sometimes a scary thing.
Right before lunch I had an IM from a friend who is in AA and struggling. He has had a few relapses and is sitting at about a week without drinking and working his steps again.
I sometimes struggle with what to say. I have a lot going on in my life right now. Some possible things coming up that are a little worrisome and I am healing over a recent hurt to my heart. Throughout all of this I am leaning on my God and am able to stay positive.
So my struggle with this friend is am I being too positive? Am I saying the right things? Am I saying the wrong things? Am I going to piss him off? Am I helping him? Am I being a good friend?
In the car on the way to get some lunch I had this thought just come shooting into my head. I am not a freaking hardware store so I need to tell him to go get his dang bread somewhere else. That's me being angry with the situation, but there is some truth in that.
So the next thought is....I don't have to say a darn word. If I just want to be a good friend then all I have to do is listen. Sounds so freaking simple now, but a concept I still have yet to completely grasp. He knows I am an Al-anon (I blow my own anonymity all the time) and he knows that all though I lived with active addiction and my ex struggled with sobriety at times I have lived through early recovery, but I have never lived early recovery like an "A". All I have to do is listen.
I can't give someone something I don't have. I can give someone the gift of a good friend, because that is in my power to do so and I know how to do that. I am not a hardware store and not only that I shouldn't assume someone is coming to me for bread when all they really need is an ear (The thought of being a spare body part store is not all that appealing you all know what I mean). I need to learn to turn off that immediate desire to share my ESH, because sometimes the situation doesnt call for it. Sometimes I really dont have any and I know that in those times if all I can give is a hug then thats what I need to do. I need to remember I am not his HP or the HP for anyone else (darn big ego I can get there huh?). I need to remember the 3 Cs and let myself off the hook. Recovery is a journey, not a destination. I can just be there and that is all I need to be. Hes going to get where he is going to get with or without me.
Wow....that feels better getting that out of my head.
Thanks for being here.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Thank YOU for being here. And for sharing your insight. Makes a whole lot of sense to me and somehting I needed to hear right now. Funny how I sometimes come across a post with exactly what I need at the time.
awesome work and right on! You do also know that when things arent going well, u lean even harder on program tools and u can remind him of that too. You can be a supportive friend and just be there, as long as it doesnt effect your serenity and it sounds like it isnt. I know when I get an inclination to help or jump to give advice - I try to use seeing that - as a reminder for me to allow them to do their thing, just like you did and get back to focusing on me and detaching.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I like what you said about my big ego... to me, that is what the program is all about, letting go of my ego, and walking along spiritual lines. But, when someone comes to me with their problems, how quickly I can fall into the "fix-it" mode. My ego gets a big boost and then I get to feel superior, wooo hooooooo!! hehe
From the very start, my sponsor told me she doesn't have the power to help me, only HP does... and if her ESH happens to help me, then God put us together for a reason. She never acts like an armchair psychologist. Sometimes, she even says, "I wish I knew what to tell you." Which, to me, is setting aside her ego.
Love the post ((Mandy))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
You're right on Mandy...Now what? I often find myself just before making a decision about something like this asking my HP the question..."How do you want me to handle this, if at all. Is there something you see I can do to help here?" and then I listen for HP's responsce. HP always response for me...always. It becomes more confusing and unworkable when I just go off on my own without HP's direction. I get lost real quick using my old map.
You know what to do and how to do it...You've held the light up for me at times and I've been grateful for that.
If someone is in AA they certainly have resource to other recovering alcoholics and a wealth of material on the internet.
I forget that so much. I live around practising alcholics and addicts and I remind myself daily that they have access if they want it. I don't have to provide it for them. At a certain point I saw that my own health, well being and future were damaged by over giving to people who didn't want it anyways.
