The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here is the story, been with my AW for 15yrs, have two daughters 13 and 11. Her alcoholism started about 6yrs ago just after her gastric bypass. In this process, learned that she just swapped her addiction from food to alcohol. In the past two years, she has been in 3 different rehab places, 5 months in a halfway house and many relapses.
Tommorrow I have a meeting with a lawyer about divorce details, mainly because the alcholism has let to many bad decisions with money (which is equally our fault) and decisions with the kids that have led to child services being involved. Also, she is hit and miss with AA and counselors (learned that she needs to do the follow-ups there), which doesn't help, espcially since myself and my daughters have been to counselors consistenly for the past two years. I realize now that I can't control her, but I need to know that she can't and should control the family with the behavior.
I am apprehensive about the meeting because, while I know this needs to be done to save my sanity, make sure the kids are taken care of now and in the future, my wife will try to talk her way out of it and in the past, my mind know what needs to be done, but my mouth just tries to appease my wife. I think I just need the support and strengh to go with the long term and not just the short term appeasement.
Whenever I got to my "end" my "A" sure knew what to say to win me over and want to give him another chance.
When I really reached my end. I was done. Nothing he said/did/promised changed anything I was just done.
Okay for encouragemnet. Keep the focus on you and what you want. Remember that "A"s can be master manipulators and wll say or do anything to keep the disease comfortable. Remember that alcohol is just a symptom of the disease and stopping the alcohol doesn't make everything better. Stay strong and remembr that you are worth it.
You said you have been to counseling, have you tried Al-anon? Been to meetings? Your girls are a good age for Ala-teen if you have that in your area.
There are many who can stay with their active "A" while working the Al-anon program I was not one of them.
Divorce is not right for all of us, but I am glad I was able to see that it was right for me.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Aloha Sirpha...Would suggest that you overcome the fear and resistence to the Al-Anon Family Groups and go as soon as you can and before you make any life changing decisions. The meetings are where you can get the information you need from those of us who went and learned about alcoholism and what it had done to our lives and ... what our parts were in it. You didn't get into this situation over night and you will not get out of it over night also. There is no quick fix and learning about alcoholism and you nad your spouse will open your eyes as to what you are dealing with; a mind and mood altering chemical which if not arrested by total abstinence will lead to insanity or death. It has also tragically be responsible for the deaths of many innocent victims and not only by driving.
I was married to an addict and then after that divorce got into a relationship with an alcoholic and then when that one broke up I married an alcoholic/addict. I knew absolutely nothing about alcoholism and what part I was playing in my own insanity until I got to the rooms of Al-Anon. This is a Cunning, Powerful and Baffling disease that you should not be going into hand to hand combat with. Given half a chance, what ever you have not lost up until now will be taken shortly.
So get over your apprehension and go as quickly as you can. Commit to as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days (My experience is 102) and get and read as much information about the disease that you get at the meetings. Also ask them for information for the children of alcoholics or Alateen if there is no Alateen meeting available. After 90 days reassess your situation and proceed.
We will ride this with you as most of us know the river and the current and don't ever do it alone. Welcome to MIP. ((((hugs))))
Welcome this is a great place to come when you are overwhelmed. I hope you can get a hold of the book offered above, Getting them Sober I believe that book is a great resource.
Welcome Sirpher..... For me, what worked was writing it down.... I learned (after similar struggles) to write down exactly what the issues there were, so they didn't magically "change" when the pressure to appease my AW was there in the meetings..... Hope that helps
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks everyone for the suggestions and support. Writing down items and writing in general help me through things. Went to a couple of alanon meeting about a year and will probably be back soon. Just had my daughters go to one alateen meeting and had an issue with my then 10-year being too young for the meetings.
