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It's been a while since I posted. I've been working my program and steps as has the Abf-sober and we've been doing pretty well. bumps in the road here and there but who doesn't have them?
My doc recently put me on Zoloft due to some mega job related stress and mild depression plus he feels I may have PMDD instead of PMS and he said Zoloft is also used to treat that. I don't feel too different, but it's only been a week. Maybe a little bit calmer but I don't know if that's the drug or power of suggestion b/c I'm taking it!
Anyway...the reason for this post. About a month or month and a half ago my bf's ex-gf and mother to his 4 year old son (who I have always gotten along with) came to me to say I need to leave my bf. That he is just doing to me what he did to her and all his other gfs of the past. That he will never stay in his AA program, that he will never change his ways, and so on. Though I never felt any animosity towards this girl I did question her motives as to was she truly looking out for me, just wanted to make my bf miserable for whatever reason or did she want him back. She begged me not to tell my bf anything, to just leave. AFter posting here and reading all your support and opinions I decided to let it go and chalk it up to her being unhappy and wanting others unhappy. I did however tell my bf what was said but asked him to please keep it between him and I and not confront her, which he didn't and that actually helped strengthen my regrowing trust in him. Yesterday when picking up their son she told my bf she wanted to come into the house and talk to the both of us. My bf was not happy but let her in because she threatened to not let him see their son again. She then said that their son said to her that "Daddy hits Beth." and she said if he says that again she is taking him to court and he will not come over again. The thing is, my bf does not hit me. he has not raised his hand to me ever, and I don't live in any kind of fear that he would. we argue now and then but not in front of kids. My bf and I both told her it's not true but she said she believes her son. We asked her if her mom moved out (she lives with her parents) and she said no why and I told her the last time he was over he told me he didn't have a grandma anymore and she moved away and now just him and mommy and pop-pop live there. she blew that off and won't let this go, texting and threatening.
is this normal? do 4 year olds make up those kinds of stories? My daughter or niece never did --not like that. Apparently their son is hitting kids, and girls at school and she feels he is learning it from us. (which is not the case) I'm wondering if she is just starting again or what, since I'm still there and he and I are growing even closer.
Any suggestions?
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Does your boyfriend go to parenting classes. This kind of issue might be addressed there. I can't imagine anything is easy about co parenting.
I know personally that I would have a lot of feelings if I had to interact with an ex BF who was sober after I had not been involved in that process. One of the core fantasies of a al anoner is that the stbex will get sober and the next girlfriend/wife will reap all the benefits of the life you desired.
Maresie, yes I know that feeling of the minute you leave they will get well and someone else will get the person you longed for. It's probably why I stuck it out as long as I have. The thing is with him and her is he was sober then too. went to meetings and what not. They did not have an ideal relationship, he cheated on her and she broke up with him (don't blame her) he started to date someone else but always begged her to get back with him. She went on a few dates with him but the girl he had started to date in the meantime was (and still is) a huge troublemaker. so Cary (mother of his son) left for good. This is when my now bf spriraled into depression, stopped his meetings, his program and reverted to "dry drunk" behavior b/c as I learned, just because you don't take that drink doesn't mean you're recovered. This is where I entered the picture and even that first year where he and I were mostly friends he begged her and she refused to take him back. so the fact that he's doing well now, business thriving, own place, and working on a decent relationship really shouldn't bother her in my opinion. she could've given him a chance but chose not to and now that he's not begging her or suffering anymore, this is what has to be dealt with?
as for the parenting class, no he doesn't go to them. there was never an issue before this. they were always pretty amicable when it came to raising their son. I co parent with my ex husband and have no problem. and he's married to my ex-bff (long story) we deal just fine, I guess because neither of us have feelings for the other anymore other than loving our daughter. obviously my bf's ex-gf cant say her feelings are gone apparently. this is drama that isn't needed. now the word of a four year old is golden and he may have a court battle. needless to see the two of us are gonig to meetings tonight!!!
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Could the son be saying this on his own? Or could he be coached? Who knows. You and your bf know the truth. DO some kids make stuff up like this? Yes some do. I have a co-worker who told her teacher on the first day at her new daycare that she had a little brother who died in a fire and that her mommy doesn't like to talk about it. This little girl is an only child and always has been.
I don't know really where you could start, but if you really believe this ex will try and keep his son away from him he may want to start looking into how he can protect his rights. Maybe some of your close friends would be willing to make a decleration to the court about how you are not in an abusive relationship.
Hopefully this woman will get bored and move on to something else.
Your in my prayers :). Keep taking care of you.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Aloha Lizz...The picture I got reading your post was of a fish hook with some very tasty bait on it inviting me to take it without getting the hook. I've never been able to do that ...never. The last time I did that I was amazed and how fast I took the hook even when I knew the metaphor about jumping into something I had absolutely no business being in. It did allow me to get into the inventory process about what I did and didn't do, why I did and didn't do it and what were the consequences. My post about "so when I was done I had blown my foot off" metaphorically was about the event.
One of the clues regarding my disease of enabling is getting involved when there is no reason for me to do so and in fact there is evidence that I shouldn't. I know the 3c's and I can still run right past them as if they didn't exist and when I get involved everyone knows Jerry F is involved. I get hooked and hooked good. I even put on my velcro suit which allows tons of problems which are not mine to cling to me and then the weight of it all causes me to not be able to move except toward reaching out and asking others in the program to tell me "what just happened? and why did it happen to me?".
You're dealing with "his" past...you came later and this is first step stuff...If you really want to experience powerlessness try fixing something that never ever involved you in the first place. That is just a smidgeon of what I attempted to do on Saturday completely addicted to doing it and not listening to the voices which were telling me "stoppppp!!" for MY own good. It was only after a failed attempt at power and control that I was able to take an inventory of myself, thoughts, feelings, actions, intentions and arrive at "Baaad Puppy!!". You got another invitation (bait) to save the alcoholic. Is the hook sunk so deep that you won't pull it out...not can't pull it out but won't?
The picture is full of crazy people affected by alcoholism and the alcoholic you have been affected by. For me having learned that the sanity came from detachment and letting go and letting God. Truthfully a 4 year old will say almost anything you want to hear if it gives him the signal that he is secure and accepted. A 4 year old will also "side" with a parent and provider's issue and I'll just bet he knows his Momma's issues. That is apart of the insanity and it's progression. You don't gotta play. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Jerry, as always, your wise words somehow calm my mind and make me see so much more clearly.
You're right, this is "his" past. Even though she is confronting me in "our" present, I realize now it really has nothing to do with me. I know this girl is still hurt from all that happened between them, she has admitted as much to both he and I. I'm sure it hurts her to have to see him because of their son. Again, nothing to do with me. For whatever reason she feels the need to have power and control over the situation. Maybe she sees he has moved on and is now having to deal with the feelings she denied out of anger. I don't know. I truly feel for her, she's a nice girl but a person can only apologize for his wrongdoings for so long and you either accept the apology and forgive or you don't and you hold the grudge. I'm powerless over this, I can't control what their son says or how she reacts to it. What I can control are my own emotions and reactions. And I choose to keep up my progression in this program and reap it's benefits.
thanks everyone!
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
hmmm - maybe you could invite her to an Al-anon meeting? Just a thought - she had a relationship with an A, it clearly affected her and will affect their son. If she's receptive, great! If not, at least you planted the seed.
