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I was writing on a post yesterday. Aparently I did everything right and got good responses
Today, however I acted really fast on a thought that came to me. I texted my ex-alcoholic girlfriend to ask if we could get back together...
What I wrote:
"Good day. I know I'm not supposed to, but I had to say one last time that I'm here if you would try again. With us I mean, The reason I say this is because I truely believe things could be better. I could be better. I won't push you on it. If you think the train have already left, I will understand. Miss you, x"
I believe fully in every word I wrote, but am now really worried about the outcome. I am almost 100% sure that its going to be that she is turning me down, which will then bring me down.
It's just so hard to see through working this program, how different things could be. If I were given only one last chance while staying to the program and continue to focus on myself. I could give here so much more space. Earlier she have said that she feel like I ceep her in a cage, which have made me hurt, where I say; "after all the things I have done for you!" I think different now. I just whish I had the chance to proove it...
I haven't got any reply yet, but I probably have to pay for this...
Are
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
It's just so hard to see through working this program, how different things could be. If I were given only one last chance while staying to the program and continue to focus on myself. I could give her so much more space. Earlier she have said that she feel like I ceep her in a cage, which have made me hurt, where I say; "after all the things I have done for you!" I think different now. I just whish I had the chance to proove it...
I haven't got any reply yet, but I probably have to pay for this...
Are
Dear Are
The alanon program is a process. We all grow and change slowly That is why we strive for Progress not Perfection.
You sent an email because you felt the program will enable you to interact with your Friend in a healthy manner. OK!!! now continue to use your alanon tools and know that you took the action now you need to let go of the results.
Before you had the alanon program your reaction to disappointment was a certain way Now you have different tools so you can use these tools to respond to your life in a constructive way.
Remember alanon suggest that you make no major life changes for the first 6 months. Be gentle with yourself and know that your tools will work even if you feel you made a mistake
Are, I have been where you are now. Throughout my almost 13 year relationship with my now ex "A" husband we had a few seperations. During one of those seperations is when I found Al-anon and he found a program too. I was so devestated that here we finally were in a spot where we could try to be healthy in our relationship. I wanted that chance. I got my chance one year after we both went into our programs.
That time we had was some of the best times in our relationship and I am forever grateful that I had them, but those times didn't last. He relapsed and never stopped using again.
Looking back I can see that for me that need to have that chance was because I was taking on the blame for all the wrong things. I wanted to be better to show him that I could be better. But it was just me. I wasn't the only one who had a part in our relationship. I was only responsible for me.
After my marriage ended I started dating someone else. It turns out that he is also an alcoholic . lol I can find them. We dated for 5 months and the relationship ended last month. He relapsed last month and decided he needs to focus on his recovery. That was so hard to take. I didn't stop loving him because he relapsed, but I respect his need to work his program.
I am doing something that is really hard for me. I am letting him go. I could hang on to him and it will only hurt me. Letting him go isn't for him....it is for me! If he and I are meant to be then it will happen in HP's time, not mine. I wasn't the picture of a perfect Al-anon in the relationship with this man, but I was and am much healthier than while I was in my marriage.
Right now I am focusing on becoming the person that I want to attract. By focusing on me, healing the old wounds and getting healhty I am going to attract that person. Could it be the ex-boyfriend that I still love? Maybe. Could it be someone else? Maybe. The thing is that I don't know. I am trusting that in my HP's hands and last week for the first time I started praying for the next one. Not that he will come into my life now, but that I will be patient, he will be the man I want and that I will recognize him when HP presents him to me.
I read somewhere this weekend that there is a reason why the winshield is bigger than the rear view mirror. It's okay to look back, but if you stay looking back you will miss what's in front of you.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I agree with hotrod. You got hopeful and the truth is - u have to stay in right now/today and not focus on any outcomes at all - that is where a big part of our need to control comes from - anxiety about the future by projecting into it. You can use the alanon tools, take your time in life - there is no rush for anyting to happen. If u really want to help ur gf, focus on YOU and detach with love from what she is going through. If you focus on her, u will be losing YOU and that is our sickness/disease. We focus on others and need to love us and focus on ourselves. You can only change YOU. She will have to work her program, too - if u two have a chance together but stay out of her program and MYOB (mind your own business) and dont take it personally. Boundaries have saved my life and that is what u both need if u want a healthy relationship or friendship. You are worth fighting for and loving, so practise that in the mean time. kcb
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks for answers. I'll do my very best. She never replied to my text. I have to stop waiting. It's not going to come. I don't know what would feel worst, get turned down or no reply at all. I am an expert on creating false hope for myself.
Not to focus on outcome... I'll try.
It's only been a few days since this whole new "no contact" business started, but it feel like for ever. And now I have to start again on a new eternity.
Acceptance and courage! I need to see where to put what!!!
This is so hard, but I'm not going to give up
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
I have been where you are so many times. I keep touching the stove to see if it's still hot. Ouch! I get burned, just as I might have predicted ... but I keep hoping the outcome will be different! The feelings do get better if you go on without contact, even though it seems like nothing can possibly feel better. Hang in there, keep working your program!
Thanks. I will do my best. It is just so increadibly difficult when we are not even mad at each other. We both feel happy about the idea of contact. It's just that as long she say she just want friendship I keep thinking I am not special enough, and when I want us to be in a relationship she panics and say she don't see me that way any more
She say that friends can be just as special. I don't believe that at all. If we were to continue as friends I would never get my eyes up for other girls. I am like that. When I feel like I belong to one person, I go completely blind to other people.
My ex girlfriend is not like me at all there. Sooner or later, she will get her eyes on a new man and I will be heartbroken. I know that if I agree to friendship I will be living out a lie. I can't just stop seeing her like I do. I don't even want too. I can't force her to like me like she used to either.
It would have been better if she hated me or that we at least were mad at each other...
No. It comes down to that I will rather be alone and move on than to be her "best friend". Some might think I'm selfish or unreasonable here, but this is how I am. I don't think I can change it. So I guess the option is to accept it. Not easy that either, lol.
This day have been very hard. It does not make it easier that everyone back in Norway is celebrating Norways birthday while I'm here in England dreading exam tomorrow...
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
What u are doing is totally new and different, it is a little scary. If u cant take the relationship as friends and u know this about yourself, its ok, u can break off and make a boundary for you, to protect you.
In the relationship I am in now - we did break up a few times and we worked hard to be friends and always put our friendship first. We are both codependent - no one here is an A, so the situation is a lil different. But I work hard to stay out of his daily business and focus on me, my program, HP, surrendering, staying in this moment and open to unlimited possibilites, not focusing on tomorrow or other people. The more I follow my boundaries and love myself, I learn more about how to treat others. I can only control and change me.
Maybe u can do something nice or fun for YOU so u can feel happy today too.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
This day have been very hard. It does not make it easier that everyone back in Norway is celebrating Norways birthday while I'm here in England dreading exam tomorrow...
Are I am sorry that the day has been hard and that your exams are tomorrow. As Kitty suggests try to let yourself have a little fun for the remainder of the day. Maybe listening to some wonderful music from your Country, try to rest and instead of worry try to repeat a slogan or the serenity prayer over in your mind. I found that really helped to lift my anxiety. Please let us know how the exams go
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 17th of May 2010 04:44:31 PM
