The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I'm assuming every first post starts with a description of a messy situation so here is mine.
My wife of almost 9 years is an binge alcoholic. Her rollercoaster ride has included a revolving door in and out of AA, 2 rehabs,6 weeks of weekend jail, a breathalyzer on our car for 2 years, 3 DUIs in MD, 2 DUIS yet to go to court in Nevada(one of which she totalled our minivan), i'm guessing around $20,000 dollars in medical and credit card bills, and countless embarrasing and/or emotionally draining situations.
The biggest problem is her inability to care for her children. We have three of the most beautiful and delightful children anybody could want. Ages 8, 5, and 3 they are my world. Like I said she is a binge drinker. I can go to work 3 or 4 weeks in a row with no problems, then one evening, like last night, I get a call from my oldest saying "mommy is drunk." My managers at work only need to hear the words "I have to leave" from me and they know why. Usually by the time I arrive home she is already passed out, on the couch, the bed, the kitchen floor or wherever. This happens during the afternoons as well when my oldest is at school. I have had to cut down my shifts to 2 nights a week so my 8 year old can "babysit" my wife.
I feel like I have given her every opportunity to get better by supporting her in rehab, taking her to meetings, mairrage counseling(cause everything was "my fault") and giving her years of my life. Over the years I have seen progress in her, 2 years sober at one point. I would have left years ago if it weren't for my kids. I always held a little hope that one day she would get it, that hope is gone.
In the past 8 months or so I have come to the realiztion that she is unsavable. Her periods of "sobriety" now are only an illusion. If I wasn't around, for whatever reason, I truly believe she would go from binge drinking, to drinking everyday. I haven't wore my wedding ring in 8 months.I have slept on the couch for 4, and generally don't enjoy talking to or even looking at her anymore. There is no more love, no more anger, no more resentment, not even pity. I feel nothing for her.
So now there is the D word, Divorce. I have talked to a lawyer already but a $3,500 retainer and $250 an hour are not in my budget. I might be able to scrape up some of this money from family and friends but then what? Daycare costs are ridiculous. WHEN this happens I will also need to move back east, closer to friends and family. Moving cross country will probably run around $5,000. My sister has agreed to move in with us and help raise my kids but stil,l I can't expect her to financially help. My wife has said "You can have full custody, but I don't want to pay alimony"(What kind of bizarre logic is this? You don't wan't to support your children?) I don't beleive she would just give me custody, but there is no way she would win. I guess it's more important to get out than to worry about her financial help. I just feel kinda stuck, looking for a way out.
Anyway, gotta make lunch for the little ones. Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated.
welcome to alanon sgt pepper (love ur screen name) btw.
I grew up in this chaos and dysfucntion and can really feel for your kids. ACoA's (adult children of alcoholic/addict) have to grow up very fast as kids. I often felt like I had to take care of my mom, at that age. I thought it was my job to entertain her, please her, wait on her and change her moods. Sounds like ur little girl is very responsible already.
Moving is hard, expensive and stressful. I am sorry you are all going through this. In alanon we are told to wait six months and give the program a try before making life altering decisions. One day at a time, you can take your life back from this disease. We attract A's bc we tend to be care takers (aka codependents/enalbers) and it is a progressive family disease. Learn about the disease and how to stop enalbing, so u can take your life back, start by focusing on YOU and what you can do to improve your situation/feelings. Practise detaching from ur wife's issues, feelings, behavior - I realize that probably sounds ridiculous right now, when u have small children to raise and care for. As you get recovery from the disease, your kids will most likely follow you when they get older. They want health and structure inherently. Take ur time and breathe.
I hope u stick around and give alanon a real try, I promise it works when you work it.
I am sending u infor via PM, also.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
(((((Sgt.Pepper))))) Parts of my own story verbatim. You left out the days missing; the "Jane Doe" person in the emergency ward who had been there for over 24 hours; the extreem anger at the physical therapist docs for not heeding my request to "not wipe her down with alcohol after a treatment" (horrifing consequence); the "other guys"; bankruptsies, thefts and a few more forgetable things. Yes she did AA for a while and was staying sober...my mistake was telling her she wasn't an alcoholic (that's what an insecure, frightened, jealous spouse will do when he doesn't want "them" to do what he was trying to do without knowledge or experience. Of course she went back out (I know you took yours to meetings there are less differences and more similarities in our stories) and I was exactly sure that alcohol would take her life.
Of course she doesn't want to pay child support or alimony. It's understandable because that's her drinking money...Her meaning your alcoholic...not your wife. Learning the difference was huge recovery for me. Alcoholism is a disease...AMA described. It is not a moral issue so I found out that my spouse was a sick person not a bad one. That was important for me because it put the compassion back in my perspective and helped me handle what I had to do and how.
First thing was I found myself inside of the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups. If you are not there now...go there and stick it out for 90 days before making a life changing decision. If Al-Anon Vegas has Alateen available it can and will help your elder children understand the disease and what is doing to them and the family and their mother. They love their mother. They cannot not love their mother help them understand this disease. Alcoholism is a lifetime disease there is much more to learn. When you get to the meetings get as much literature (for yourself not the alcoholic) and read as much about alcoholism as you can. Sit down, listen and learn and practice, practice, practice what the others in the rooms are doing that allows them to have a better more serene life whether their alcoholic is still drinking or not. There is much to learn so that your can respond to the situation rather than just react to it. It can save your own life and will save your sanity.
By the way when my ex-alcoholic wife got sober, the way she did it became and still is my metaphor for humility and willingness. The woman who I thought would never ever get out from under her addiction...went to a recovery program and put a bag over her head and kept it on for two weeks because as she told them "I will never be able to find sobriety unless I allow myself to be blindly led into it." Sometimes we gotta do the same thing.
Welcome to MIP. I'm in support. Keep coming back. ((((Hugs))))
Thanks you guys. I have been to couple alanon meetings and I liked what they said, but with 3 kids and all that goes with that it quickly gets pushed aside. You convince yourself the other person is somewhat reasonable and will eventually get better, just doesn't seem to happen. I have a meeting picked out for tomorrow but it's my daughters last soccer game of the season so I may have to try one on Sunday(See there I go again).
Jerry, funny you should mention the "Jane Doe's" in the emergency room. My wife has 2, the last being this past Valentines day when she totalled our minivan. Both times I found myself at 8 in the morning thinking she was either dead or in jail. I was trying to think of how to explain that to my kids.
You guys mentioned alateen. My daughter is almost 9 but is extremely bright and mature for her age. Is she old enough to attend meetings? She already knows that mommy has a problem. I have talked with her about it a lot. I worry about her the most right now. Growing up with this situation as the norm has got to mess up your head. Especially with kids these days getting exposed to drugs and alcohol at such an early age. I know she must be at risk since she most likely carries the addictive gene.
Hi Welcome. With or without a meeting you can find a sponsor, you ask someone who has a story you resonate with. You can use the tools of al anon to help you and rad program literature and post here. There are meetings here but they are generally EST.
Speaking personally I lived with an alcohlic for 7 years the mess was incredible, totalled cars, fines, evictions, penniless, the works.
One thing I can say is that at some point there is no more mess being added. I no longer take on the ex A's madness (being evicted from his storage unit and more). I no longer entertan the drunkatons and the lies and the stuff that goes with active addiction.
For me the image of the mess was paralyzing. It sounds like you are making a plan be with exploring divorce. Get all the resources you can before taking action there are people who have been through similiar issues. Get support from people in the program with or without meetings.
If your children are not seeing a counselor maybe they can. Many agencies have low fee or low cost counselling and that could certainly help them and in turn help your case for custody.
A sponsor can help you with the tools, focus and detachment.
When I got here it was all the ex A's fault after all he was parasuicidal crashing cars crashing into people and taking off, getting speeding tickets by the minute. Eventually I came to see my rage, paralysis and inaction affected me deeply. I was also surrounded by his family his friends and extremely isolated.
The alternative for me to not leaving the ex A was immense stress, financial bankruptcy and possibly death (he sped, destroyed two cars and regularly just acted out and smashed things around the house and eventually my fingers, arms and head. Needless to say somehow he could say I was the culprit for all of it that was when he was found out in a lie about more speeding tickets.
I encourage you to do whatever you can in the program, whatever you do it works. I would also encourage you to not get totally bogged down in the big picture but take actions daily on your plan be. The more I focused on the plan be the less wrapped up I was in the ex A.
I live with an active Alcoholic. I can relate in many ways to what you have described. No situation is the same, but all are simular. We are all affected by this disease just in different ways. It makes us as sick or sicker than the alcoholic. My life was turned upside down and I had no where to turn, but I didn't know it, I lived with it, I didn't know any other way. I continued to stress, hoped she would see what she was doing to herself and others (Family and friends). I was consumed by her disease.
I have lived in the disease with my AW of 18 years and for 14 years without the Al-Anon program. Sometimes "we men" think we don't need any help, think we can handle our own problems. It wasn't that I thought I didn't need help, I didn't know any help was available during the first 14 years. As the disease continued to progress (as it always does) I got sicker and sicker without realizing it. I talked to a couple of close friends over the years but they weren't walking in my shoes. Then, by the grace of God I found Al-Anon. There I was introduced to other members who had walked in my shoes, lots of them were still walking in my shoes. They understood what I was going through, they offered their ES&H (experience, strenght, and hope). No one told me what I should do or not do. No one judged me. I was accepted as family. But the most important thing-------I was not alone anymore. You got a taste of the feeling today by posting on MIP. We care about you. We want you to get what the program has given us.
You have to start taking care of youself first. Focus on yourself-----Why???-----because if you don't you are not going to be able to take care of your three children. You have tried everything----nothing has worked-----give Al-Anon another try----your life "will" get better.
I hope you get to the meeting Sunday. Keep coming back to MIP and posting. Don't forget you are not alone anymore.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 14th of May 2010 04:25:32 PM
Wow.. that post hit entirely close to home for me, circa 1998-2004 or so.... I was faced with much the same scenario, and waited (longer than I wished now) way too long before biting the bullet and putting my kids in fulltime daycare. My ex-AW was living in the family home, but pretty much drunk daily.... She was incapable of being in charge of the kids - who were very young at the time. For over two years, I was a "single dad", even though she (occasionally) was living under the same roof. I would get the kids up, dressed, and fed in the mornings.... drop them off at daycare, then go off to work..... after work, I would pick them up from daycare, feed & bathe them, play with them, and put them to bed.... Boy, did I get a new perspective of what parenting - particularly single parenting - is all about. Bottom line, it was the best thing I could have done, and realistically, it had to be done....
Kudos to you if you have family locally who can help, at least for a short while....
Fast forward to today - my ex and I are divorced 6 years, but she is over 7 years sober, and has worked hard to earn her place back as the kids' mother, and we share custody of the kids 50/50. It's not perfect, but it IS working.
I wish you well, and please keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Words of encouragment. You are not stuck, it just feels like it. Whenever I felt stuck during the end of my marriage, I asked for help from my HP, from legal service agencies from friends, family, a couple strangers, even the bill collectors who called daily, MIP, at meetings. It sounds so simple, it is not. I guess what I am really trying to say is once you do make up your mind to take a step in any direction it opens new doors. I had no idea of the people my HP had waiting in the wings to help me as soon as I took a step and started preparations for my own life. From my first experience with Al Anon, marriage counselors, years later volunteer lawyers who helped me file my divorce papers for just the state fee, family and friends who were waiting to help me once I was not running myself in circles over my xAH. I decided to and learned to trust that I was exactly where I was meant to be at any given time even when I felt stuck. Try to trust that what you need when you need it somehow will be there. I read something once that always stuck in my head ... "how would you eat a bear? one bite at a time" One day, one step, one bite at a time.
Welcome! Your post reminded me of a TV show I saw this week on a family dealing with the grown daughter's anorexia (different addiction but same idea). The doctor said it was like the family and the anorexic were all lost in the woods, and they were letting the sickest person (the addict) be in charge of getting them unlost. I do that all the time with the A in my life. I constantly have to remind myself with the help of Alanon that he is NOT a dependable, reliable person I also read somewhere this week that the substance or the addict is not our problem. Our problem is how we deal with our problems. For me that too often means denial, procrastination, perfectionism etc. But that is getting better as I work this program.
Finally, cleaning the house helps me clear my head. Even if I can just get things into piles I at least have a better idea about what I am dealing with!
While this is my 1st post and I will get to my story later, this is similar to what I have been going through and I had to give a couple thoughts on your situation.
- "If I wasn't around, for whatever reason, I truly believe she would go from binge drinking, to drinking everyday." This always worried me with my soon to be ex-AW, but this is a big one for me to let go because she is going to do what she wants to do - can't control her actions, espcially after you leave. - Your contemplation of Divorce - what I have looked at is if life would be better for me and the kids still being married or being divorced and my answer ended up being that I need to go through with the divorce to save my own sanity. - Having family help out is great and take your sister's offer of help. I have had the help of my sister and my parents and it have helped ease my mind, espcially with getting the daughters (13 and 11yrs old) off to school and different activities while I am at work.
