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I have never been to a meeting before-- although a family member has been trying to get me to go for several years (as most of my family are A's) and knows it would help me to better understand everyone... including my spouse, who I believe is also an A. I did read some other posts and I can really relate.
At this point I am not sure where his personality ends and the beer begins. When we first me he drank to the point of passing out, blacking out, etc... at that time he didn't drink everyday, he just drank alot when he did... now he drinks every day but to the point where he's now repeating himself (I get to hear the same story several times in one night) and becoming rather belligerent and cruel. So I don't know what's worse.
When we met, he had gotten a DUI about 4-5 months before, and was in the middle of the court stuff and the mandated counseling. He attended maybe 40% of the AA meetings and then just started going to get his sheet signed and he'd leave after about 5 minutes. Sometimes I don't think he even went, just signed them himself. He refused the other counseling (with the psy.) and the court let it go.
It got pretty bad a couple of years ago when he went out several times on his own and was out of it his friends had to carry him into the house and undress him. My kids came home and couldn't wake him up and then the next day said "Daddy, you should drink when you drive, you could hurt someone". I told him he ever did anything like it again I would leave him, as we had kids to raise and I wasn't going to live with a drunk. He admitted that he needed to get help (he has never sought it) and I told him he should, and that he should quit all together.
Now we are at the stage where I don't see him sober. The kids don't see him sober. He comes home from work where he's already had I don't know how much but enough to get a good buzz on and then we continue to drink until we're asleep... alot of the time he'll bring it right into the bedroom and I'll find half full cans by the bed. he keeps them in the truck, in his other truck, he's got them stashed all over. I for the most part refused to buy him beer, but gave up on that because, well I have pretty much gave up on everything at this point.
I'm sick and tired of the cruel words, the tension in the house, the fear. He's angry all the time... he's irrational and stupid. Last night was a great example. I have been trying to organize 2 rooms in the house. I cleaned out a closet and needed some storage space for some blankets. My son offered to let me use the space above his closet. I am too short to get the blankets up there so 3 weeks ago I requested that my husband put them up there for us. So he never did. So I decided to do it myself. He thinks I'm being all self-righteous and comes in the bedroom saying "well I'd like to know what exactly we're stuffing up there"-- like I'm supposed to give him a detailed list (It's contra-band dear...)? They are blankets! So, being the mediator and official peace keeper I go into this whole justification thing and he'd drunk-- why am I trying to reason with him... no he wants me to empty out a whole other closet (where I keep craft and canning things) to put the blankets (which will never fit). So I do what he says-- I empty everything out, and of course everything that is in there is supposed to be in there, so I have to put it all in there-- I found 3 things of my husbands that weren't supposed to be in there-- but of course we don't have enough room for blankets-- so what was the point? So now I've wasted about 45 min of my own time when I'd like to be getting the actual "important" stuff done-- and 5 min later he's acting like the whole thing never happened. I'm sitting there feeling like I'm a crazy person because I've been read the right act in front of both the kids, torn a whole closet apart and put it back together and he's standing in the livingroom telling me "that wasn't a total waste of time, we found that book that you can use". And the blankets are right where I knew they could be stored in the first place. Please, someone, tell me I'm not nuts!!!
He's just constantly cruel to us. He can't come home and have a nice happy night. I like it when he's gone-- the kids laugh, I laugh, it's quiet... we can sit and watch tv and relax. When he's home we all just go into this mode of "don't make him mad". I'm so tired of it. It's exhausting. I'm tired of the yelling and threats at the kids and the name calling. I'm tired of the craziness.
He's jealous of my endeavors and sometimes I feel like he's happy when I'm unhappy. That sounds stupid but that's how it feels. He piles responsibility after responsibility on me and makes stupid demands over and over. Of course at the moment I'm supposed to drop everything and do exactly what he says. I tried to put my daughter in a local play, however the practice night was not working with my schedule, and my husband doesn't come home early enough half the time to watch the kids... and I'm not letting them alone with him when he's drinking... so basically she didn't get to go. Anyway one night he started asking me about it and telling me how I should "absolutely go out of my way to make sure she gets to that practice". Then 3 nights later, when I'm sitting at home and waiting for him to get there so we can go-- he walks in late and I'm ready to go-- and he wants dinner, and I say we are supposed to be leaving, and he tells me "well you are already 15 min late, why don't you just skip it". Because he wants dinner (??). (He will not cook for himself, even if I have it in a pan and all he has to do it put it in the oven).
I wanted a flower garden with a duck pond. He told me he would "have to think about it". The side of the house has been dormant with weeds for 7 years. I told him I'd do it myself. Well I don't know that he believed me. He tilled it up because he didn't "trust me" with the machine. I have always offered my help on any project he had, and I never sat on my butt in the house, I have always helped him. He has not offered help on this project and when I have had to ask for it he treats me like "What do you want" type attitude. So me and the kids did it. We dug it, lined it, planted, all of it. And it's wonderful. Now we're waiting on the grass to grow. So the morning after I have it done, I come out... and there are rocks all fallen into it, it's a virtual mud puddle. I'm trying to be reasonable-- at first I thought it was my dog. But then later that day when I was talking with my husband about it and he snickers and goes "so it all fell in huh"-- just the way he said it. Would he really go out there and do that to me? After what I put into it? I'm so sad. Reason says that if it were my dog chasing the ducks he would of been barking and they would of been making a racket. It was quiet all night. And I don't think the ducks did it... they can't move all those rocks. I just feel like all my efforts to do something for myself (as in the past) he has sabotaged and somehow tried to make me feel stupid or small about it.
I called and left a message for a local counselor for myself. I can't reason with him, he's way out there... and I refuse to go to counseling with him as long as he's drinking because he will only continue to justify it in his head.
I don't know what to do. I feel after all I have invested into this marriage and my kids and this home... why do I after to suffer and give it all up? Why am I the one crying my eyes out and listening to my son ask me "mom what's wrong" or "I'm sorry dad yelled at you".
Good Heavens Girl, Get to a meeting!!!! Your life doesn't have to be as it is, I promise it can get better with Alanon if you are willing. Do yourself and your children a favor, go and learn to make life easier. You'll be stronger and happier .
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I was amazed when I read your letter...you could have been describign interactions with MY husband, work for word.
My daughter and I call him the "Happiness Police" for the very reasons you mentioned. He tries to stamp out happiness wherever he sees it in us.
When he is home we too have to put our focus on staying out of his way, lest he get all riled up and take it out on us.
The story you mentioned about the closet sounds SO familiar...I try to not involve him in any activity. If I feel like I cannot do something, I find a way to do it if I can, and my daughter helps.
The story about the duck pond sounds so familiar too...
I was a Wilton cake decorating instructor, so I am a professional cake decorator. A long time dear friend asked me to make her anniversary cake. It was a four tier cake as she had never had a real reception, too poor at the time. So, for her 25th anniversary, now that they had money she wanted to have a really formal and nice party. The cake was our gift to her. My daughter and I worked night and day for 2 - 3 days on it. We were up all night the night before. That morning, we barely finished it in time. I did not know where to put it while I showered and changed as I knew that wherever I put it my "A" husband would have some kind of "accident" and ruin it.
We have a small house with not too many hiding places for four boxes of huge cakes (you assemble a tiered cake on site), but I tried. I put the biggest cake on the floor in a CORNER (where he could not pretend to trip over it) of the room in front of the window, but out of the sun.
When I got out of the shower and dressed and was ready to go, sure enough he had found a way to mess up the cakes. He claimed that he "just wanted to open the curtain" and had opened up the drapes in a way that they skimmed accross the top of the cake and ruined it. Rather than be apologetic he screamed at me about how he SHOULD be able to open the curtains in HIS house withoug me putting obstacles in his way...typical...he does somethign wrong and it is MY fault. He ruined it not only with dust, but ruined all of the flowers and decorations. Thank goodness I KNEW him and had extra icing ready and all decorating bags ready for a fix up anyway. I wiped off all of the icing off of the top (and the dust and everything came with it) RE-iced it in the car, and decorated it while everyone else was eating. I have severe carpel tunnel and really agreed to do it as a REALLY big favor. I was already in so much pain from days of working with my hands non-stop that I could barely grit my teeth and bear it. And my hands kept going numb (but the pain stays ). So, I thought it was really cruel of my husband to make me do the largest tier over...
That was his way of "teaching me a lesson" for doing something for someone else rather than "sit on the floor at his feet admiring him" (sarcastic joke here...). He hates it when I do anything for someone else. I try to hide it if I can. I am also a Red Cross community first aid and CPR instructor. We once passed a recent accident where the people were wandering around with their hands to their heads in shock. I pleaded with him to stop so I could help them...I was trained to do so. He refused...he said "Why do you always put other people BEFORE me?" Well, he actually did not SAY this, rather he SCREAMED it......we were on our way to a store...we could have easily stopped. All I could do was pray for those poor people, and hope someone else would stop who was trained to help them.
I too went to see a counselor and it was the best thing I ever did. And I am learning even more here on how to deal with him. I hope you really go to see that counselor, try to find one who will help you with alanon steps and traditions like mine did.
The most important thing I am learning is to put the focus on ME, and what I can do to live a better life.
As much as he has tried to isolate me from my friends I do have a few, they don't live nearby but still call and keep in touch. He has not been able to scare all of them away. I confided in them about his alcoholism and without fail each of them have had to deal with an alcoholic, so they understand and don't fail me. That has been important for me.
I hope things get better for you and your children...
Hi Apple Pie, and welcome. You have come to a place where we all have the same type of issues to deal with as you do. As a matter of fact, some times I wonder if Isabela is married to my A (joke).
You are so fortunate to have Al-anon meetings in your area. Go!!!! They will not deal with your husband's alcoholism, but will teach you to deal with it.
Your husband is like many of ours in his issues...controlling, the rage, etc. On the message board, some days it just helps to know we are not alone. There are so many partners here who have found serenity amidst the insanity. I'm still working on mine, but there are days when all is right with my little world.
I'm sure you are doing the best you can with what you have to work with. Al-anon will give you new tools to use, and help you to focus on yourself, and function happily while your A continues his life.
At the al-anon meeting, there is literature available to help you understand the things that are in your power to change. Mainly, your reaction to your A. But, you'll learn at your own pace what will and will not work in your situation.
Didn't mean to preach to ya...just wanted to say "Welcome" and to thank you for sharing your story with us. Come back to the board often.
NO pretty lady you are not crazy. The disease of alcoholism works hard to make us think so though. I remember calling my counselor many, many years ago and asking him if I was crazy. He told me almost all A's pull this, he hears this all the time. And now I wam not crazy. I was sad for years thinking there was something wrong with me.
Alcoholism drags the A into a deep pit. The A does their best to drag others down too, the don't want to be miserable alone. The disease loves someone to "play" with, not unlike a cat with a mouse.
Yes I relate to the pond. My a was putting a door in. I was in the back yard, oblivious to there even being a problem, all of a sudden here comes door knobs tools etc over the fence and he takes off in his truck.
I had a dog pin up on my curtain I liked. He thought it was stupid. Well it disappeared. of course he must have burned it or ?
He would gripe about my dogs. I would mop regularly cuz I live in the country, mud uno. Well he would let the dogs in and not wipe their feet!!!
then gripe about the dirty floor....
So anyway..... I came here years ago and never left. The meetings in the chat room are wonderful. Chatting taught me lots.
I appreciated learning that anything the A says, especially when actively using, is insanity and no one can rationalize insanity. I quit even paying attention to what my a husband said. It was the disease talking anyway.
Whether he was drunk or not, was not my problem. If he did not eat, it was not my problem.
He would not dare to demand anything from me. I would not do it anyway.
It does not do anyone any good to be a victum. I found I had to work on me, take care of me and stop focusing on him at all. I refuse to allow the disease to kill me too.
I hope you keep coming back. Get yourself to meetings, alanon can change your life I promise. Don't think about what you will do. For now, go to meetings, get literature and learn about the disease that is ruining your family.
Eduction is the key to your success in this. The skills you learn, the program you develop just for you, will bring miracles.
I first went to meetings cause of my kids but now i go for me what ever reason you want to go , gooooooooo and we are happy you are here and keep posting do meetings on lnie when you can , glad you have the courage to come and post today
Just want to repeat what others have said, yes, alanon is the right place for you. You will not get advice here, or a "How to fix him", but you will learn some tools to help you fix yourself. If you can possibly get to face to face meetings in your area, please go. Even if it doesn't seem to be working, give it a few months, read the Literature, and see if some things aren't better. We have all found that when we change our attitude, we change our situation. Even just coming here to vent is sometimes a life saver - so much better to let it out here, than to start something with a drunk who isn't even listening. There is nothing you can say here that could shock any of us, we've all been there, and we're all getting better, slowly and step by step.
You are absolutely not crazy. I hope you attend a face to face meeting as soon as practicable for you. You will feel like you've come home. There's also a chat room here. Please come in when you can't attend a meeting. And finally I'd like to recommend a book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I think it will answer all your questions. One manifestation of alcoholism is verbal, emotional, and physchological abuse.
Welcome and Keep Coming,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
). So, I thought it was really cruel of my husband to make me do the largest tier over...
...we were on our way to a store...we could have easily stopped. All I could do was pray for those poor people, and hope someone else would stop who was trained to help them.