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I've mentioned before that I had dated a man for about a year and his drinking made me uncomfortable. We stayed friends and been of help to each other at times.
6 or 7 weeks ago he told me during a phone call, and I could tell he had been drinking he needed to talk to me about something. Next few weeks I brought it up a couple of times but "it was never the right time", a week or so ago he finally told me he has been seeing someone. His reason for telling me was because her son was starting a job at my usual quick stop store the next day and I would run into him. It is a good thing in my mind. I had wanted to see if his drinking changed and it has not, and I am not going to be ok with it. I thought we could still be friends, but then I started thinking about each time I had seen and/or talked to him inbetween the "we need to talk" moment and the actual talking moment. Lying by omission, my x did alot of that. I confronted him with this and I tried to empathise with how do you tell someone, don't want to hurt their feelings, not really that important just dinner a couple times.
When my mom called him on Saturday, she thought she was doing the best thing and that is ok. Afterwards he said he was on his way to taking his mom out to dinner for Mother's Day with his nephew and it worked out fine to help me with letting my dog out while I was in the hospital. And then today his mom called to see how I was and say hello. She was excited about him and the girl he has been seeing stopping here to let my dog out and then taking her to a play on Saturday. I apologised for inconveniencing them, said I hoped they had a good time anyway and how much I appreciate it and that is all true. Now I know he lied to my face not by omission this time. I feel horrid, like every bit of help or friendship shown has been out of pity or ulterior motive of some kind. He kept the key I had left outside on Saturday and I need to ask for it back. I also need to figure out how do end the friendship, I don't want people who lie to me to be my friends. The one time I could have possibly accepted and got past but after explaining my position and being lied to again ... that I can not keep accepting.
I just have a hard time understanding, had I planned a date and talked to him prior to it happening I would have been excited enough to say something. And if it led to another I would have made a point of it, if I had not prior to. I definitely would not have taken someone I had been seeing into his home without his knowledge and lied about it afterwards. Even if that had meant not being able to help or having to rearrange the schedule in order to help.
I am trying to decide if I should confront him about the lie or not, ask for my key back or if I can trust he did not have another key made, maybe just rekey the doors, let the friendship dwindle by neglect? Do I have any other options I am not thinking of? Anyone have any experience?
I'm not sure I followed the narrative, but if I understand right, he has been seeing and going around with a woman, including into your house, when you didn't know about it?
My exH lied so often that I think he told more lies than truths. He lied whenever he thought the truth might get him into trouble, cause awkwardness, etc. My experience was that confronting him about it made no difference at all. Nothing short of intensive therapy and him wanting to stop lying might have made him stop. It's pretty much not a surprise any more. If he were a healthier person, we wouldn't have broken up already. So I shouldn't be surprised if he keeps on being who he is.
My experience is also that lying and alcoholism go hand-in-hand. Because alcoholics have to lie to themselves and others to keep it going ("It's not a problem. I'm in control. I could stop if I wanted to. The problem is totally with you. I don't have any trouble with my feelings." Etc.) So... I think that's what detachment is for. When my ex lies, I roll my eyes behind his back and think, "At least he never gives me cause to regret leaving..."
Thank you for working your way thru my rambling, jump around post! Had this situation occured with my xAH I would not be surprised. This man I dated I am surprised at, there is just no need to lie about it in any way. But now that he has proven he will choose to lie for whatever motivations he has I do not want any part of it. I think I am looking for a miracle answer with no confrontation and he just goes away.
(( Jennifer )) I dont know if you have used and seen the 6 guidelines to setting boundaries -but that is how I set and followed through on my boundaries for myself. Confronting an A doesnt work but I do understand that this is also your friend and u have already decided not to have this person as a friend any longer, as u have defined that u dont want liars as friends. That was something I too did for myself ~ I was not interested in people that lied as a normal part of their daily life. Let's face it - society does say its ok to lie - people lie on their resumes, for example. Just bc in program we are brutally honest and it is refreshing and we can take it at face value - the rest of the world does not operate that way. If u do want to say something to handle the situation and not just - neglect it for it to go away - which is one way to handle it, by stopping participating in the relationship & not communicating -- u could say - 'I wont accept being lied to in my personal relationships' - and that is it - u can break it off for good, if that will be empowering or u dont have to say what u will or wont do and simply - boundary him out. (I say this bc for me when I was beginning to change but still had trouble controlling myself - if I said, I dont want to ever talk again or see you -then I'd be obsessing on that relationship. It would drive me crazy. So, I would take it moment by moment and act according to how I felt and thought was most appropriate for me at that moment in time. If I didnt say what I would do but simply acted on my boundaries - I would stop talking calls, my actions following through the boundaries i set for myself. After having said I wont tolerate lying or abuses - I didnt not feel I had to explain any further. In fact learning I did not have to JADE -justify, argue, defend or explain myself to anyone any longer and that I was allowed to use -No.- as a complete sentence).
Either way, it is up to you to follow through and stick to your boundaries. I have also found that the less I say to an A - the less infomration they have to use against me and hurt me with later (as I discovered A's will nearly always use my feelings, to try to hurt me with later). I can simply stick to the boundary I set and repeat that and then follow thru on my consequence set.
The key is a seperate issue and if u dont feel u can trust this person, probably changing the lock is the easiest thing to do - u wont ever have to worry about the key - and u can change it yourself with a screwdriver & a new deadbolt/door lock.
Take care of YOU whatver that looks like.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I've done a lot of confronting of A's being a self righteous person. I found it wound me up even more.
I do know that when I find I can't be friends with someone anymore there is a loss. Some people can tolerate lies and some lies are not as traumatic as others. i do know that all addicts have to lie after all they have to be in denial.
I know I can beat myself to a pulp about whatever brought a relationship to a end. I can go to the what if's and why and stay there. Some relationships last a while and some don't.
For me personally I set huge boundaries around anyone with an addiction or a chaotic life. I've had to. My life was nearly destroyed by it. I've tried to do the other and I know where it gets me.
And yes Maresie, even though I did not think about it i was sounding this out. Along with some meditation today and reading Kitty's post, which is wonderful! I would like to learn more of the 6 guidelines for setting boundaries mentioned. It sounds like an area that needs my focus right now as I have been tested in a few ways in the past couple months. Although I have accomplished what I wanted for my boundaries I could have done it with more class.
My friend did call, and i did explain that I knew he had lied to me about Saturday night. And that having friends who lied to me was unacceptable in my life. He did not have much to say in reply, in fact stayed silent for the most part. And now I maintain my decision, which will be both easy and dificult in ways.
In meditating I found alot of my anger was coming from realising that even though I found his drinking uncomfortable for me to be around I wanted to believe he was ok and just choosing to drink that much. Little things I have noticed and now these omission and outright lies show me that he is progressing. My anger is at another good person being stripped of their true beautiful self to become another usual addict. Especially since I feel my xAH is lost and will not choose recovery, I hope this person does the cocoon and emerges a marvelous butterfly someday. But I am not going to sit and watch and be hurt by the process this time.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEMCLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.
The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, spiritual, social, professional, financial, familial & marital boundaries.
I add this bc that is what happened to me a few times in dealing with my parents.
I mademy first boundary that I would not visit my mom if her AH was there. Then I would visit her but if her AH began to abuse me emotionally - then I left. After about a year, I had detached so much from his behavior, that I didnt need to leave anymore bc his words had no power over me, I no longer believed them - I could detach from him entirely & he couldnt hurt me anymore.
Take what u like & leave the rest. Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like.If you dont stand up for YOU, who will?If not now, when?You can change right now.Life is consecutive moments of right now.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
