The material presented
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Last night with the "encouragement" of someone I went to an al-anon meeting for the first time in a year and a half. I left because of disappointment in the program.. being an adult child of alcoholics, sometimes the teachings of the program feels very cruel and harsh. Strangely enough the topic of the meeting was dealing with disappointment.
Anyway, I am an adult child living at home with A mom. At first it wasn't a choice, but for years it has been an unconcious fear of letting go and getting a life of my own. Paralyzing fear. I have spent most of my 20s working on my moms NEVER ENDING to-do list. She never relaxes, every day is a constant tornado of frantic working. It has caused me to be anxious and become what i call an unemployed workaholic. I have a TERRIBLE time working at a job, but an even worse time having this never-ending-need to work and becoming more anxious and depressed that i "can't" work.
Yesterday was a slight breakthrough. Mom doesn't see me as a daughter, I'm more like a sidekick that jumps in like a super hero with everything she says. She's usually got 4 or 5 projects going on at the same time. She drives me bats-- crazy, and i drive myself crazy because i cant seem to say no. I am perfecting the great ability to walk away, not say anything, ignoring it but i can't seem to say no and it causes me to hurt myself. I threw a fit in my room yesterday morning because i knew she was going to nag and complain about something she needs "help" with and its never easy or done fast enough so she will leave me the hell alone. I tried to do it 5 or 6 times but i couldn't do it. I threw a fit in my room yelling screaming cussing hitting my head because im so frustrated with this inability to say NO. She came into my room and asked what was going on. I said im frustrated with myself, with my lack of a life. (I left out the part about feeling like a servant and not a daughter). She suggested i go to a meeting and listen. I went to 2 meetings and did just that.
I'm noticing today how much I just "dont care" about MY own to do list. I have made baby steps in getting help with the job situation, but when it comes to relationships and communication, I SUCK. I know I need more emotional than physical support, being that emotional support has NEVER been available to me, and at the same time I don't know how to ask for it. I don't know how to care about how I feel. I'm angry and frustrated at my total lack of empathy for myself. How I see myself as such a miserable failure as a human being. My physical life is pathetic and feels completely useless. I don't feel like a human being at all. I don't feel connected to myself/my life, and when I do i get frantic anxious angry all at the same time. I'm a mess and I don't know what to do about it. I hate my life and feel like I can't run away. I'm trapped.
Sorry about the length of this.... ESH appreciated. Not looking for sympathy or advice just needing to vent.... thanks everyone.
I recreated my parents with the ex A. On so many levels I felt paralyzed. Qualifying in al anon is a hard task. I'm glad you are reaching out.
I think its important to identify all the issues in front of us. I have plenty of my own even after being in al anon for a few years. For me personally al anon provided the structure, love, assistance I missed as a child. Therapy helped too and I have also been in other 12 step programs. Like you I did not know how to say "No" and mean it. I said no with illness, being dysfunctional, resentment and other methods but I could not say "No" assertively and mean it.
Boundaries didn't come naturally to me at all. I have had to work at them and be aware that I was not good at them in the beginning. After a lot of practice I got better I can go to other levels now I can see and I look forward to that.
I'm glad you are here. I had a hard time finding the right meeting for me. I also couldn't relate the ACA (or rather for me having mentally ill abusive parents) to the al anon for a long time. I did after spending a lot of time identifying the abuse that occured for me as a child. Some of us have to orphan ourselves to get some space. I did and I'm not recomending it as a good choice but I was really a orphan on so many levels already that it just made that concrete.
I'm sure that al anon can help you if you want to explore it. I know I was brimming with self hate, unacceptance and resentment when I got here. I struggle tremendously with the days in front of me. I do not blame and hate myself for being where I am anymore.
Hello and welcome , I would like to suggest first that u stop beating yourself up , we dont need enemies cause we do a great job of sabataging our own lives . You cant change anything until u become aware that there is a problem , u have the awarness- now u accept thats where your at and then u can get into action and change the things u don't like about yourself . I am not the child of an alcoholic but am married to a A in recovery , when drinking it was impossible to please the alcoholic nothing was ever good enough , or done fast enough that for me is the nature of this disease the sick part of that was i wasted alot of time trying to please .. and never quite making it . today I do the best I can and if its not good enough they can finish it them selves . I know for me until I learned to love myself and show myself respect , I dont have a hope of loving any one else . You say u cant leave right now , no problem BLOOM WHERE YOUR PLANTED . go to as many meetings as u can , make new friends in program and start becomming the person u were meant to be , no one else can do this for you , you can do this as your not alone anymore people will help u find yourself .renew old friendhips , find a hobby that takes u out of the home , its your turn .. no one said this is going to be easy its damn hard work getting your life back ,but one step at a time YOU can do this . Louise
I have to say when anyone significant in my life until now told me I was over reacting or made suggestions I felt absolutely not heard at all. I do have people in my life today who do "hear" me. I didn't most of my life. I spent years trying to find people who could. I endured so much frustration, loneliness and fear because of that.
I did not have a mother or a family that nutured me. I got nutured by strangers, neighbors, bits and pieces I could pick up here and there. I really saw in the end I had a compulsion of asking all the wrong people for the right things. Al anon helped me to change that. Of course I wanted the people (particulary the ex A) to change, they didn't, I did.
Idon'tknow, my heart goes out to you and Im feeling sad for you. To not be able to express yourself and not have a life of your own, I think I would be in a room screaming and carrying on also.
We are not suppose to give advice, but your situation sounds like a unique one. You dont say how old you are, but I assume your over 21. You sound to me like you are captive and dont know how to get out. This dynamic could make you very sick and I really feel the need to tell you that you have to make a change or this could adversely affect your life for the rest of your life. Besides Alanon, maybe you should talk to a professional, one on one.
Keep coming back to our boards if you dont want to attend an Alanon face to face. We do care what happens to you and want to help you with some relief from this. Wishing you courage and hope. Luv, Bettina
I relate so much to ur post - my mom is acoa (not an A) but she too alwasy had never ending crises and to do lists. I'd be her pal, run errands do all this stuff all day long (this was 11-6 years ago when I lived back home, and before that - my entire life) - every lil project that came up from cooking, shopping, helping with the property management, grooming the schnauzers - to do lists, ad infinitum ~ then at the end of the day, she would say - 'why are u depressed? why arent u finding a job and getting a life' -ugh-
That created a lot of resentments for me - here I am sacrificing myself, doing all this for you and it feels unappreaciated.
So, Im acoa too and growing up, she couldnt talk to me about her feelings, I guess she stuffs them. She did however encourage me to express mine - so that was extremely painful & difficult for us both forever, up until I was 36, in program and began to create boundaries.
I never knew how to love myself or protect myself emotionally either. Boundaries taught me that. I also didnt think I had self love emulated for me. I was taught to do for others, like a good lil codie, like she is. If u asked me what I wanted to do with my life as a teen - I would have an anxiety attack right there. She and I both also have ADD/ADHD which exasperatd the emotional junk - as the feelings are more intense and they are all blurred into each other within, plus we were emotionally enmeshed and affected each other.
You are allowed to ahve a private life. you are allowed to say "no". You are allowed to have and maintain boundaries. A lot of my behavior was picked up as a (not so great) coping mechanism from living in that dysfunction and chaos. She still thinks ther is nothing wrong with manipualtion and manipulaton can either be very good or very bad (to handle something skillfully is one def, the other is more negative and abusive, kinda like against our will and yet we are participating in that dynamic).
I was 30 when I set out to discover what self love is. I had to put me first, for self preservation - no one else was going to. Healthy people love themselves and have boundaries - that was my only goal.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks everyone; feels oddly wonderful to be HEARD. What really doesn't help is that "family" thinks my life is so easy and gets angry with me for feeling this way about my life. Everyone seems to assume life here is like living under the rainbow. I have life SO easy because I don't have to "do" anything... but im thinking IM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING SOMETHING! The sickest part about this whole situation is that she never demands things like me getting a job never encourages me moving out, its never about my life. It's always about ME serving HER.
I had a mini conversation about the SO important to do list, i said id like to know what she expects (instead of me just jumping in and "fixing" everything) I'm still a kid I want structure, rules, concequences, the whole 9 yards. I'm super responsible and completely irresponsible at the same time. Anyway she "agreed" (go figure) about the list, and there's part of me thinking good god woman am i a robot? What if i said i'm gonna need you to give me a freaking hug once in a while? Expecting blood from a rock.
I went to another meeting last night and I'm realizing I just need to get honest about my life in these meetings. It's a very difficult thing for me to do, whenever I get honest with someone I get humiliated or shamed. My "best friend" attacked me for my feelings. I'm so used to it that I expect it. Thanks for showing me that its okay.
Well now I know why im such a tird to myself... I was just painting (going into "why not i can do it mode" ugh) and got a big drop of paint in my eye, got escorted to the bathroom was handed the shower head and mom said "flush it" and left. asks if its okay but that's about the extent of it. i know if i was around al anons there would be more empathy. one time i was having a really really bad gallbladder attack and the people were so geniunely caring and nurtuing. freaked me out at the time. lol. i hope my heart is paying attention to this lesson. why i keep expecting blood from a stone ill never understand. least i can go the store for bread instead of the hardware store ;)
