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I've been getting calls from the A saying how much he misses me or he will offer me compliments when I drop off our daughter to him, etc...
I'm just sitting here wondering why 1 1/2 months before that I was a loser that would never amount to anything, I was stupid, he couldn't even stand the sight of me, and this one is my favorite.... I was a whore = / There is more but I'm sure you get the picture = )
Grrrrrrrr........... I'm letting it go!!!!
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
Eh - his problem!! You know it's the disease. He can attempt to engage you, but only YOU get to decide whether or not you want to play.
Trying to rationally understand what an A does or why will not get you anywhere. The disease is insane, produces insane actions, thought processes, and interactions. It's no good trying to understand why - just ends up like a dog chasing it's tail around in a circle.
Good for you for coming here and posting! Sounds like you don't want to play the game anymore - yay for you!!
lol.... I feel like I've been on that ride for a year now = )
It just makes me laugh that I was all those negative things then I stand up for myself and all of a sudden I'm everything he's ever wanted..
Ugh and this was dealing with the sober A....
I'm not upset right now it was just something needed to let out!!! I was so ashamed to admit that he said all of that stuff to me. He was really mentally abusive to me and I've been letting bits of it out just recently.... I'm looking at it as a good step towards RECOVERY!!!
Sucker, wait till he sees me in my new sundress = )
__________________
Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
The ex A would refer to me as his roommate one day his future wife the next. I can now chalk it up to his disease. I know it wasn't about me as he had on off, love hate relationships with everyone. I just made it all about me.
One thing I learned early in this program is that they need us alot more than we need them . ( alcoholic) when we arent around to make them look good and save them from their stupid mistakes things go down hill pretty quick for them . Alcoholics are like boomerangs they just keep commin back . they keep u in thier sites just in case things don:t work out the way they planned . As for the name calling thats booze talk ignore it ..
Ugggh...they are masters at head games. My counselor told me that sometimes if they feel like they are going crazy they will do what they can to make the ones they love feel crazy just so that they're not alone. Not sure if there is any truth to it or not..
Ugggh...they are masters at head games. My counselor told me that sometimes if they feel like they are going crazy they will do what they can to make the ones they love feel crazy just so that they're not alone. Not sure if there is any truth to it or not..
He definitely does that he would constantly tell me that he is going to bring me down!!! He would say that he was going to make me crack and that he is a lot smarter then I am...
He once lost $900 in the house (came home drunk and misplaced his money) he blamed me the whole next day that I stole it (mind you I've never givin him any reason to ever think I would steal from him)... He found it later on that night in a cabinet under a dish?!?!?
Everything was always been somebody elses fault NEVER his.... I honestly thought this was just my A I never thought it was the diease until I started coming to Al Anon...
It's all making sense to me now...
-- Edited by Hopeless on Tuesday 11th of May 2010 07:16:27 PM
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
The way I see it, there's a logical part and an insane part. Actually both of them are logical, for an insane person, if you follow me.
The "logical" part is that alcoholics are distancers. They want to be distant from their emotions and distant from the people in their lives. Alcohol is a great barrier between them and reality. So while we're in the relationship, we're typically trying to get closer to them. And they run away, putting up more barriers, keeping us at a distance. But the truth is that they also have a need to be in a relationship. They never have to acknowledge that need because we're doing all the pursuing. If we stop pursuing, suddenly they're left high and dry. So they move toward us. "Yay!" we say. "This is what I've always wanted!" But if they get us back, it's business as usual. Because once again we want closeness and they want a lot of distance.
The insane part is that they want things to be the exact way they've always been. And if we leave, they want us back in place. Otherwise life is a lot of trouble. Also if we change, they want us to change back. So they try to get us back the way we were before. Once we're back in place, it's busines as usual. But they go all out with the charm and the promises to get us back in that place.
Of course the real important question isn't what they want -- it's what we want.
Mattie you're RIGHT ON! He has always told me that I don't communicate with him when just 15 minutes before that I was telling him I was stress out about work,etc... It was him that was distancing himself but me getting the blame for it! This is a huge realization for me I honestly thought this was my problem...
And NO this is not what I want, lol!!!!!!!!!!
Do you think this is even about love when it gets to this point and is more about control?
__________________
Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
My own feeling is that there may be love in there, both for them and for us, but both of us (I mean me and my partner) are typically so consumed by our own neediness and distorted thoughts and desperate agendas that those take center stage.
I always used to interpret my craving for my partners as love. And all the drama in those relationships meant that it must be love, right?
It was a revelation when my therapist told me that healthy relationships don't have a lot of drama. Who knew? :) So there may have been love in there. But the craving and the drama and the turmoil weren't signs of love; they were signs of all the other things going on with both of us.
I also used to think that love was enough and that love should prevail over everything. That obviously wasn't the case, because the addictions and unhealthy thinking took center stage every time. Now I don't think "love" is enough. I also have to be healthy enough to be healthy in the relationship and to end it if they aren't healthy too. It's a tall order; but I wish I had known a long time ago.
One thing I learned early in this program is that they need us alot more than we need them . ( alcoholic) when we arent around to make them look good and save them from their stupid mistakes things go down hill pretty quick for them . Alcoholics are like boomerangs they just keep commin back . they keep u in thier sites just in case things don:t work out the way they planned . As for the name calling thats booze talk ignore it ..
My therapist told me this as well. They my RABF needs me more than I need him and this was true years ago but the tables sort of turned and I feel like the needy one now. When I left my BF years back for verbal abuse, he never even tried to come back or call me. He went with another women right away. He always returns when I ask him to, but never comes back on his own.
Ugggh...they are masters at head games. My counselor told me that sometimes if they feel like they are going crazy they will do what they can to make the ones they love feel crazy just so that they're not alone. Not sure if there is any truth to it or not..
this is an OMG thread for me tonight. I heard the same thing and my RABF does this to me as well. He is ALWAYS playing head games. It's really odd! He can be yelling in my face and I am very calm and then will tell me I am totally irrational. He says things that make no sense.
My own feeling is that there may be love in there, both for them and for us, but both of us (I mean me and my partner) are typically so consumed by our own neediness and distorted thoughts and desperate agendas that those take center stage.
I always used to interpret my craving for my partners as love. And all the drama in those relationships meant that it must be love, right?
It was a revelation when my therapist told me that healthy relationships don't have a lot of drama. Who knew? :) So there may have been love in there. But the craving and the drama and the turmoil weren't signs of love; they were signs of all the other things going on with both of us.
I also used to think that love was enough and that love should prevail over everything. That obviously wasn't the case, because the addictions and unhealthy thinking took center stage every time. Now I don't think "love" is enough. I also have to be healthy enough to be healthy in the relationship and to end it if they aren't healthy too. It's a tall order; but I wish I had known a long time ago.
this is great info. I think this is a common dance with addicts and codies. It can change though if BOTH people acknowledge it and work on changing it.
But I think most people work out their "wounds" together, even in non addict unions, just with less drama
I found with my xAH that I was only called names when it justified his drinking. At one time I was "mentally insane" to his coworkers to excuse his not showing up for work repeatedly, when he was telling me he was working overtime to make more time for using etc And then I was spending too much money to his parents and that was why he needed money and why he was drinking to relieve pressue. Plus the usual just a B, or dragging him down, a nag and worse on the daily basis to give reasons.
Then when i left I was wonderful, he was using to eliminate the pain of losing his best friend, love of his life. Admitted all the other lies to his work, family etc in order to show how losing me should be a great reason for drinking. Either way it was never about me it was about what would best excuse his drinking.
When my bf left me 3 days ago he was telling me all kinds of crazy stuff...like he only comes back so he can treat me bad so that i leave him and he won't have to live with the guilt and that i'm bi polar, and the best one of all was that i shouldn't spend mothers day with my baby because i had been complaining lately that he's always whining. BUT then, after he packed some his stuff he told me how much he loved me and wouldn't leave until he kissed me. SERIOUSLY...WTF I was throwing up because i was crying so hard and he wanted a kiss.
