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I know what "others" say & Feel is NONE of my Business, I know that I can not make them say or do anything that seems right to me... Wether it be the "A" in my life or my Best Friend...
This last week has been very tryin...To say the least... As I had stated in my Last Share, My BF (Best Friend) Mom had a Massive Stroke, and I went last week to see her, and tho she couldn't talk, she still knew i was there, and let me know she knew i was there...
To get to the short version of this... The options for this poor women was made in the blink of an eye with the first sign of "bad news"... I sat in this room, my heart aching for this dear lady, while EVERY other person in the Room is TELLING her "Go.. Just Go To Heaven... You don't want to live like this, Mom Just GO!"
Well I had to get up and walk away, I didn't say ANYTHING there, Just when I did talk to her Mom, I did it with Compassion, and open heart, and yet my heart was breaking that this poor lady had to listen to her kids say "Just GO Mom"...
Now Granted, When I walked in the Room, this lady turned to Look at me, she can't move her left side, and can't Speak... but she did know who I was... I bought her a little "Betty Boop" figure, because she LOVED Her...the minute she seen it she reached up and grabbed it with her Right hand & a tear come down her face, she was very pleased with it, and when i went to hold her hand, she jerked it away because she thought I was taking it back...lol... "Many" things happened that told me 'SHE' still in there... SHE was still Grandma Nancy...
after all her kids Left "I Stayed", I couldn't leave with her last thought of the day being... "Just Go Mom"... So i sat on the bed and told her.. "Mom ( I called her that) If it was up to me! You & I would be out of here, GONE" Well the minute it came out my mouth, she started grabbin on to the bed, and trying to pull herself up, she got herself sitting Straight up, after about 5 mintues... the second she did the nurse came in, "seeing her Sitting up" and says, Lay down Honey we need to take your blood pressure, and she did so with a grawl... I sat with her for a while, and I told her, I said "Mom, I love you, and I am sorry that this is happening to you, I do promise that "IF YOU Are Ready", I will do my best to take care of my BF & her Son & if not, I will do what ever I can to help out" and I sat and talked to her about old times when all had fun together, and she would try n smile, but could only use 1 side of her face, but she heard every word, and I was glad we had alone time...
Well when I left, I came home and explained to my husband how bad it Hurt Me, and I told him... I feel like I have To tell my BF whats on my mind, I couldn't sleep, stomach was in a knot, and truly one of the most "horrific" things I had ever seen, when it comes to the "LACK" of Compassion in that room were that poor women lie, as her kids are telling her to leave...
So... I text my BF who was at work and told her I needed to speak to her, she said she had to get a couple things done, and if I would just email it too her, I explained that "I" just needed her to know that it may not be something she wants to hear, and she of course said.. Thats OK, I know everything you tell me is from your heart, so just send it...
Well I did... She has texted me since, and states that she isn't mad, but We haven't had a chance to "Speak" about it, and now... Its too late.. They removed the feeding tube from her mother on Sat. Evenning... I just can't get past it, I don't know how to "let it go!" I know she will end up in heaven, and God will take care of her, I know that there was NOTHING more I could have done short of telling her what "My" thoughts were, but i feel like this poor women isn't going because she wants too... But because she was Made too... It breaks my heart that No One Faught for her, No One Gave her a Voice in the matter...
I went to my Mom's on mothers day and we talked about it, or should I say Cried about it... And I told her "Flat Out" I said, Mom... Unless YOU or God TELL ME flat out, I'm Ready... I will I promise Fight for you! My Mom and I just sat & cried, because there was nothing either of us could do...
I mean, now if she was in her 80's didn't have a chance FINE, but she wasn't, she was in her early 60's, No Her "Qualitiy of life would not be the same, but how can you just Release your Mother without a 2nd thought... Or Even a 2nd Opinion... I don't get it, I don't understand it!!! I just so want to hand it to God, but in the same moment, I worry that this (My Feelings) Has Completely Changed My Thoughts, & My Heart when it comes to my BF of 18 years... I don't know how to look at her, I don't know what to say, and the tears keep coming and the pain in my heart is unbarrable at times... I am just at such a loss, and don't know "How" or "What" to do next...
I know this too shall pass, and I know it is None of My Business, but I can't not have compassion... I don't know how... I just feel like this women was sent to Heaven, Without her own Consent... Sickins me truly... I know I have Prayed a Million times over that she go without pain or fear, but I just can't get over, her not having a choice, and it scares the Hell out of me that "doctors" would allow something like this to happen... When she was responding, and did show promise, how someone could just "dismiss" a life, like it was a piece of trash you would toss in the can...
Sorry so long and such a bummer, I just don't know how to move past this and it has me a Wreck...
That is very disturbing. I can see how you are having such a hard time with this. Sounds just awful. I would hate for my kids to be telling me to go. You are a great person for sticking up for her and following your heart!!
I know for me being around certain people and their inhumanities triggers me off in how could you?
My own biological family is at the peak of dysfunction whenever illness is around. I have had to wade through years of resentment at them for that.
Personally I would think that there must be more involved than you saw. The Doctors for one would have to agree to the pulling the tube. Generally (having worked in a number of hospitals) that isn't a casual thing. In addition they do ask for many patients to state their wishes beforehand.
I know anyone who I have brought into my life up until now was like my family of orgin, dysfunctional, abandoning and totally out there when I was ill. I'm glad that you can have a discussion with your mother about this issue. My mother was too ill, too dysfunctional and too enmeshed to be capable of that.
I understand how very painful it is to witness other people's indifference and lack of compassion. I am so sorry this has hurt your gentle loving soul and the women that you care so much about.
What a beautiful gesture to bring the Doll that she loved. You brightened her moments and I am sorry that the others could not join you.
Please remember that HP is with her and now that you have done all you can, just leave her safely in HIs arms.
The Only thing she told her kids was She Did NOT Want to go into a Nursing home, but I honestly don't believe anyone would sign up to be starved to death, I just find it as cruel and horrible...
I still don't know what I think, I got a text from my BF yesterday stating they were moving her to a Nursing home to die... (hospital will only keep her 10 days) So Yeah... I'm still struggling... ALOT... If she is going to pass and did not want to be in a Nursing home, and everything is detached from her, Why not at least take her HOME to die...
I so need to step back from this and Give it to God, I know that, But I loved this women, and feel like currently I am the ONLY one...
Thanks for you kind words, and Prayers, they are a blessing in my life and I am grateful to have such a place for support.... Lord knows I need you all ;)
I can only share what I have been through. Lastyear in March my dear mother in law also had a terrible stroke. She DID have a living willwith directions for no feeding tube. Her sons went through such a terrible time with that directive.... at first they did insert the tube, because no one knew for sure how much damage was done or much much improvement she could make. When it was evident that she could not recover the tube was removed. She no longer had the ability to swalow. It was an excruciating pain to go through. She passed on May 19th.
What I have learned is that sometimes we don't see the whole picture. I don't know if your friend had a living will or any kind of directive.
I also had a sister who committed suicide and there are so many questions!.... and few answers.
I struggled for a long time with both of these, finally turning to "acceptance" that God knows ALL ... and I don"t... and I TRUST Him.
Hope this helps. My prayers are with you dear friend!
((((Hugs)))
Irish
-- Edited by irish54 on Wednesday 12th of May 2010 08:09:00 AM
I am so sorry that this continues to be such a devastating event. I know that if someone has less than 6 months to live, Home Hospice Care is available thru most Insurance Plans including Medicare and Medicare. Maybe your friend is unaware of this.
The Social Worker in the hospital would be a great resource for this information and can arrange it as well. (I have done this wih an aunt)
Maybe your friend is unaware of the available care and you could simply suggest it and then TURN IT ALL OVER to HP. Not easy but you will have done your part.
