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As you all know I'm going through my own issues and my priority right now is ME (which is a tough )... One of the hardest things I need to deal with is having the "fix it" mentality, etc...
I'm in a situation with my best friend of 26 years! She is 36 years old and just had a baby = ) Her husband definitely has some A issues but that is for her to deal with not me... My best friend has always been on top of things our whole life she is a teacher and an all around terrific person I can't express how much I love her... Anywho, she is suffering from major postpartrum depression (mind you she has never had depressing issues this is all new to her and she completely lost and confused) and mind you the A in her life isn't helping the situation... I've talked to her and got her to make an appt with her doctor but I'm starting to feel like I need to take over this situation and make everything all better.....
I guess I should set boundaries?!?! I don't know do I need to do that since it is my best friend and not someone I'm in a relationship with? This is serious and I'm afraid that she is going to snap and of course worried that the baby will get the brunt end of the situation, or she will snap at her students (teaches middle school)..
I have to be honest I'm getting so sick of setting boundaries it so annoying to have to remind myself of my boundaries, ugh... I know this is what I need to do in order to help myself so I will deal with it... I just want to make sure I'm making the right decisions....
Thanks for letting me share!
-- Edited by Hopeless on Tuesday 11th of May 2010 08:28:56 AM
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
I love my best friend to the moon and back, if I was in this situation with her I would drag her to the doctor kicking and screaming if I had to. BUT I have never needed boundaries with her previously, there has never been any harmful traits to our relationship in any way. I think if you listen closely to your heart, you will have your answer. And remember you have the tools to set boundaries that can include helping her to get past postpartum, example I will help her get to the doctor but not deal with her husband. Or I will watch the baby for a couple hours so she can get some sleep but not at 3AM. Those are basic, I know you get the idea I am going for. There are many ways to be the naturally kind, fix it people we tend to be without harming ourselves. Actually now that I know when to say no and how to take care of me first, it makes the times when I can help someone else even more special because I give it freely with no fear or resentments. I will keep you and her in my prayers!
Boy I tell you, I truly do feel at the Mercy of my BF of 18 years as well, I know what kind of pain you are feeling in connection of being at a loss... I too at times feel like I should Jump in and save her, and I know that I can't, and it is None of my business, yet I love her like my Sister, and hate to see her in pain, or dealing with any...
Your love for your BF isn't a bad thing, and i am sure like stated above, your heart will tell you what you can & can't do for her & her Family... We can't take on their Lives, but at times I know I feel I must save her from herself, and she at times has done the same for me...
I don't know what i can say to help you in this, but know that I will keep you both in my prayers that your HP leads to something that you both can benifit from, and make better ;)
Friends in Recovery... One Day At A Time... Love & Prayers
Good grief, what a bad situation. I think at some point you should set boundaries, but, if she isn't an addict i believe it should be different. She needs you...so you should do what you can. But, you have to come first!
I'm going to go about the situation as me not making boundaries for her since it's not A related ( and staying out of the situation when it comes to her husband)...
I'm going to spend this week and all of next week with her to help her out....
This is my go to person so to see her like this KILLS me...
__________________
Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
Boundaries are foreign beings aren't they. Eventually they got to be my best friend.
Crisis is when some al anon's come out in full color. I know I have been there done that in the past. One of the maxims, boundaries I adopt is one of my sponsors, wait for people to ask.
I've always rushed in. For me personally when I am rescuing there is a huge backlog behind it. My expectations go awry I want that person then to be many many things to me. If they aren't the resentment is tremendous.
I've found that I need boundaries with my non-A friends as well as my A friends. Boundaries keep me healthy and protect me.
I think if my best friend were in that situation and was unable to care for herself because of depression, I'd try to take her somewhere. I've had postpartum depression and it's not pretty. If my best friend was not suicidal or a threat to her child, I'd probably gently ask if she would like some help and offer to be there. There's no harm in helping someone through a tough situation when they need the help. In my opinion, the "fix it" mentality is bad when I'm doing for others what they CAN do for themselves, and taking their decision-making powers away because I believe that I know what is best for them.
At the same time, if my best friend understood that she was depressed and was not suicidal or a threat to her child and just and chose not to seek help, I'd respect her decision.
If your friend's husband has "A" issues I would suggest that she get to an alanon meeting and give her the MIP Board site.
If she is in trouble alanon could truly save her life. It did mine!!!
She knows this and I suggested for her to get help but she insist that HE is the one that needs the help not her..
I'm hoping she sees the good Al Anon has done for me and will follow....
I'm sensing she is getting it now that they have a child and I will always be there for her regardless but when it comes to her A I can only give advice it's up to her to take it, I'm learning this = )
I will be there for her in regards to her Post Partum/Depression issues but not her A issues.. I mentally can't do that right now while dealing with my own!
-- Edited by Hopeless on Tuesday 11th of May 2010 07:21:32 PM
-- Edited by Hopeless on Tuesday 11th of May 2010 07:25:15 PM
__________________
Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
It's sad that some people feel like if they don't have the addiction, they don't need the help. I do all kinds of research and have resources and it really helps me to deal. It is just as hard for the loved ones of the addict. My BF's mom is like that..she refuses. It also angers me because she totally enables him and can't see that it does him more harm than good. I'm glad your friend went to the Dr's. I hope it helps her. It's great that you want to help her and you should...just remember you are using a lot of energy saving yourself right now and don't let anything get in the way of that :)
-- Edited by soxfan on Wednesday 12th of May 2010 08:46:31 PM
