Alanon is for anyone that is affected by someone else's drinking/drugging.  The person exhibiting that behavior rarely thinks it is a problem for them.  A's (alcoholics & addicts) dont think they have a problem, they are in denial about it.  Confronting an A about their behavior rarely works either bc they lie to themselves and others about their behavior.  He says he is not lying and allowing u to see all that he is using.  Some people (I was one of them) drink to excess, he may possibly be abusing it & himself, he enjoys getting drunk but is not compulsive about it.  Addiction is an allergy of the body and a compulsion of the mind.  I eventually out grew the desire to get drunk beyond recognition but I did get drunk into my forties. 

Either way - if he is an addict or just a heavy, frequent abuser of alcohol ~ it is not your issue, it is your b/f's issue/life.  You cannot control or change another person. 

The question is why are yo with that person.  Is your relationship healthy in every other way or are there issues present there?  I grew up in dysfunction and chaos.  Codependent enablers are addicted to chaos and other people.  You cannot change your bf but you can change yourself.  If you are not getting your needs met, if you feel there are emotional issues or the relationship lacks emotional intimacy, looking into yourself, facing what is lacking in your life, is somethng you can work on.

Alanon will give you coping skills for life but it cannot help you to control someone else's behavior/life.  When we focus/fixate on someone else, we are losing us and feeding into the disease.  The way to combat addiction and empower yourself, is to focus on YOU and work on changing what is lacking within you - not the other person.  If I am concerned or worried for another person, I pray and give them to the god as I know it, and turn them over and practise faith that the god of their understanding will take care of them.  Accepting other's choices is difficult but resisting reality is a lot tougher.

Did this answer ur question? 

Your BF says he does not have a problem with alcohol. I guess the question to ask yourself is do you have a problem with his alcohol consumption? As kitty said, it's his life, his business. If you are concerned about it, that is your business. My Ah used to occasionally drink too much-in my opinion. As the years went by he drank more and more until he was drinking every day, sometimes drunk by 9 in the morning, would often hurt himself while drunk, etc. I was going crazy over it. I found this place and learned that I am powerless over his drinking and all my worrying, nagging, anger, were doing neither of us any good. I learned how to focus on, and take care of myself. The biggest lesson I learned was to put my AH in the hands of my Higher Power and ask that HP to take care of him because I could not. If your BFs drinking is a problem for you, I encourage you to check out the other posts and replies on here. There is a lot of knowledge and comfort to be found.

thanks Kitty for your response... very helpful to hear what you shared... I know that I don't want to have a boyfriend who has a real problem with alcohol... and as it is hard for me to define that... don't know if I am just over reacting to his drinking habits ... I am trying to listen to what I feel about it all... but it is hard... so it will be useful for me to share and read what others share...
Loshan

(((Loshan)))

You got some wonderful ES&H from the responses to your post. If I could add one other. You are listening with your heart, nothing wrong with that, but listen with your eyes also, that takes all the emotions out of the picture.

HUGS,
RLC

thanks pineapple for your response... and your encouragement... :)

thanks Mattie, I need to validate how I feel about it all somehow...

Wow, yes... in ur response to jennifer, u are saying that u tolerate things even if u dont like them - that is accepting abuse (abuse means = mistreatment in webster's) and toelrating it.  We teach othrs how to treat us by what we allow or disallow.  I sent u the guidelines and u are already on the right track to taking care of YOU thru boundaries.  In a dysfunctionl home we learn no boundaries. 

I have a yello sticky on my pc that reads:  Listen with your eyes.  That was a great one for me too, bc I am so very analytical, I would cling to the words spoken, the empoty promises and the betrayals that go with them.  Ultimately I was hurting myself by beliveing and buying into the lies, promises and expectations of people that are incapable of performing, functioning "normally" or in a healthy way.
   Behavior shows us the reality, it is the truth.  The A lies to us and themselves.  We dont have to tolerate that.  We do need to accept reality and evaluate what we are doing.  I try to re evaluate in program constantly.  If soemthing isnt working, I can tweak a boundary or my behvior. 

I also had to define what my true needs are and for a realtionship and seperate them from the fantsies I held as true.  I did have to grieve some of my fantasies that I had about my own life, as my life wasnt working out like Id expected as a youngster.  FAcing what is, accepting it and then defining my needs, allows me to make changes - which is empowering.  I had to learn to put me - in front of others people, bc I idealized others and put them on a pedestal, which again - only hurt me in the end.

Setting and following boundaries, did give me a plan of action to take - so I could have an action to take, not just stand there being abused.  I felt the same way, that I did  not know how to act or to protect myself.  Boundaries changed all of that for me, plus it gave me self esteem back, self respect (which I never had) and emotional detachment from the emotional soup of enmeshment I grew up in.