The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to have lunch with my father and mother in law on Saturday. When we were leaving my AH stopped by and was acting like a jerk to me. When we came back, I stopped by at a friends house and she told me that my AH and her AH went out, and that she wanted me to take her to the bar to see if they were there. That's were I should have stopped and said no!! We ended driving by and me seeing my A acting ridiculous and accompanied by some cheap looking woman. After that I told her to not ever ask me to drive her to the bar again, cause I just didn't want to be that person again. But the damage was done. My stomach is in knots and I just feel hurt. I want to tell him I saw him and that I hate him and that he's crap. I'm aware I will accomplish nothing by doing that and in the end he's allowed to do whatever he wants, but STILL i WISH THINGS WERE DIFFERENT.
I'm also feeling a lot of anxiety cause I told him I'm NOT getting back together with him until or when he gets sober. And the first few days he was calling me all the time and begging, and know he's so ok with it and seemingly having such a blast being single, that I'm scared. I wanted him to keep on chasing me LOL. It sounds crazy and I know this is when I have to let go of my fear and keep going no matter what but I can't help but wonder why it's so easy for him to let me go.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
I so know where you're coming from. It's so hard to think of my ex moving on, even though I know I was miserable with him.
The reason they're able to move on so quickly, I think, is the alcohol. That's what it does: it numbs people out. They're not really moving on, not in a healthy way that has processed the past and made healthy decisions. If they were healthy enough to do that, there wouldn't be a problem in the first place. Instead they pick up whatever will make them feel better for a moment -- a drink, a new woman -- and hang the consequences. It looks like they're having fun, but they're running scared. They're just grabbing at anything they can to block out the feelings. They don't even know it themselves, they're so numbed out.
It's hard being the one feeling the feelings. It's hard being the grown-up. Take care of yourself.
((((Prissy))))) you are so growing up and you will never be perfect. You are not afraid of being honest with your thoughts and feelings...I'm kinda sorta jealous because I was never ever close to that when I started...God for bid that I should admit that I needed changing. Forgive yourself for the slip there are more coming when you're not wanting or expecting them to happen. You are sooo human...pinch pinch. You want an alcoholic to come after you....You are soooo crazy still. You are angry...this is where that little cute bug of a daughter comes in if she has already demonstrated that she can tantrum when she doesn't get her own way. Watch her and let her reteach you how it's done and when you are angry go to a safe place and tantrum like a big girl. You are so worth serenity...keep coming back and reaching out for it. (((((hugs)))))
I definitely did a lo tof looking for the ex a. I also felt humilated, bewildered and frustrated. All your feelings are quite normal when you are around an acting out alcoholic. Your recovery is kicking in gradually. None of us have an overnight conversion. All these things, learning boundaries, detaching, setting limits take practice and you are certainly doing that.
I know too well how I felt the push-pull of the relationship with my now exha. I am grateful for AlAnon and knowing the importance of boundaries. I am learning how important it is to reach out for help, focus on myself, and be responsible for my own happiness.
I agree with Mattie's post.
My exha had promised to make it up to me, but is not able to. The man I married and loved for 20 years met someone in AA and is remarrying in two weeks. I still love him, but not the disease. It is progressive. I believe he needed an enabler, and, since I was no longer supportive in that capacity, he found someone who is. I know way deep he loves me in the limited way his disease will permit. I know I need to keep working on me.
Keep coming back.
Bud
"A bud becomes a rose when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the fear of change."
-- Edited by bud on Monday 10th of May 2010 07:41:57 PM
-- Edited by bud on Monday 10th of May 2010 07:44:25 PM
I am so sorry you are in this pain. We in alanon are fortunate enough to feel the pain and because of that we learn how to take actions to grow and change. The alcoholic is dulling his senses with alcohol and just keeps repeating the same actions expecting different results!!!
You did good coming here and sharing You did a complete 10th Step on your actions. You have learned the lesson so now please forgive yourself and continue using your tools.
Keep showing up one day at a time, focusing on yourself and your lovely daughter and things will get better.
Praying for your peace
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 10th of May 2010 08:34:30 PM
Honey in my experience, it has nothing to do with you. Nothing. The disease wants to be with others who use.
This is part of the progression. They go more and more into that PIT i ful life of being an addict.
It dulls their emotions to the point they do not have any. It is a dark awful place. In a very good book, the most published book in the world, it says,"What does light have to do with darkness?"
You are light, life, kids, love, you are alive. He has to get sick to really realize what he is losing. Even then he may not.
We get strong and realize we have nothing in common with them. We may still love who they used to be. For me, I don't miss him at all anymore. I have no regrets, I don't feel I lost anything anymore. No bitterness either.
Hp has healed me big time.
Sadly becuz of addiction of my first and second husband, I have honestly been alone without a mate most of my life! I sure did love living with him as long as I was blessed to. But I am very ok now.
I hope you can face things if you are ready. It is not easy to let go and begin to build your own life again. We hope to be married forever. We grieve the dream!
We are always here no matter what you do. love,debilyn
One more thing to add Priscilla, I can guarantee, he wont remember a thing the next morning. Wont remember conversations or who he was with. You may think he is having fun. He is not. He is on the path to destruction and under the control of his addiction. Remember its all about his drinking and it will mow down anybody in its way.
You are doing whats right for you. Its painful sometimes, but you will overcome it . Sometimes we have to see things even though we dont want to, the stupid things that alcohol drives them too do. We can choose the higher road and stay in our recovery.
You are doing great. Keep coming back ! Luv, Bettina
