The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel really mean right now. I was looking out the window in the door and saw my husband (he has not admitted that he is an A) fall. Yes, he had been drinking. He has a partially paralyzed leg that at times just collapses on him. I had told him on a previous day that I would not help him into bed anymore - that he could just get there the best way he could - when he came in staggering drunk. Well, anyhow, I just walked away fromt the door (he did not see me) and sat down crying. In a few minutes I heard him fumbling at the door and I opened it. He crawled into the den and pulled himself up onto the sofa. Then after resting a few minutes he got his cane and went on to bed. Meanwhile I sat there feeling like a heel. It was so pitiful and I knew I could help and didn't. Is this tough love or is it just tough on me?
You are doing exactly as you are supposed to do, letting them deal with the consequences of their actions. I would have done the same, only I probably wouldn't have opened the door for him. :) Just know that when you don't help (enable) it's really the most loving thing you can do for him.. Hang in there, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Cristy took the words off my keyboard :) (can't say outta my mouth!) I agree totally. I know how hard it is to let them suffer the consiquences, but I agree 100%. My A fell off a balcony while drunk, and dislocated his hip, that had been smashed real bad from a drinking/driving accident where he could have killed me. I sobered him up and took him to the hosp., etc., etc.,etc.
The last time he did it, fell off a chair (drunk) and dislocated it, my son took him to the hosp. I didn't visit him, I did pick him up., and I did drop him off at his mother's, who had moved to a nursing home. He asked me what he was going to do, I said hire a nurse!! He hasn't done it since, luck or...maybe smartened up?? We'll see.
It's a long ole road, some make it, some don't. He hasn't been on a binge for about 1 1/2 yrs now, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and still praying, and thanking my HP over and over for this time of sobriety, peace and happiness. Sometimes we have to let them suffer their own consequences. I know he could relapse at any time, but he is really trying. That is my experience, hope it helps. Take what you want and leave the rest, Love in the program, TLC
hi, I always put myself in their place. I am sure he did not want anyone to see him. HE needs to feel his pain, his embarrassment. If we soften it, it does the opposite from helping them.
In order for anyone to want to change, they have to get so sick of it ,they change.
I believe you did the most loving and respectful thing. It was much harder than consoling him. Plus he has to learn on his own, nothing you say means anything.
We mature from pain, any pain. A's tend to drug the pain away, thus they don't mature or learn anything, so they repeat, repeat, repeat.
We learn not to eat too much, from eating too much. We need to allow the A to hopefully do the same.
A wonderful book that i learned more from than anything is," Getting Them Sober."
I find them at used book stores, and you can get them online. If for some reason you cannot afford one, email me privately and I will hunt for one and send it to you. I consider it my alanon service.
Please cont. to not take in his disease. I found thinking it is none of my business, and taking care of me is how I learned to detach and get well and be in recovery. I don't want to hear about the drinking or how they feel, nothing. They know what they need to do. If you want, get AA lit and put it somewhere. HE can choose to look or not.
We can only get well by letting it go. I mean that. Love him, hate the disease/ behavior.
It takes time to learn to do this, but it is possible. I am there and have been for years now. Does not mean it is always easy. To love an A is very very hard, but they need love too. For me, if I love, I love. It does not just stop, not ever. But I have chosen not to see my A. But the love is just as strong in my heart.
We have been together over 30 years, have a son who is 29. So what we share will always be there.
I allow him the dignity to say, oh how sad, or sucks to be you, or oh do you think so? hmmm maybe you are right... all things that just come natural now.
Anyway hugs and you did a wonderful thing. Keep up the good work.
"If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got"
The way you feel reminds me of my parents saying, "This spanking will hurt me more than it hurts you".
It's not easy to stick to the boundaries we set, and it is so easy to enable (doing for another what they can do for themselves). You did GOOD. He made it to bed by himself. Remember that next time.
Tough love is sometimes tougher on me than on him. How will he ever learn though.
Good luck to you, and thank you for sharing with us.
