The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi. I have only gone to two meetings so far, but have been using a lot of time trying to read and understand how to work the program. My alcoholic who is in recovery says I need to slow down and go to more meetings. She is probably right. I have already seen that there is a lot of things I need to change about myself and Im doing all I can to do so. One thing is to do the changes, another is to feel them. I want to work the steps, but I dont have a sponsor yet. Im not sure how to get one. The meeting I have been going to is only once a week and I have only met five other members so far.
There is a different meeting today which Im planning to go to. I can see that Im trying to do everything at once and that this is causing stress and anxiousness I wasnt prepared for. I hope that by going to more and different meetings can help.
Some questions about getting a sponsor:
·How many meetings should I go to before getting a sponsor, and when do I know if Im ready to work the steps?
·Does my sponsor have to be a male? Im not asking because I prefer one or the other, but because I fear my options is few
·Is there anything in particular I should look for in choosing a sponsor?
The last week I have worked hard not to interfere with my alcoholics life. She broke up with me about a week ago and we only speak on the telephone. She wants us to be friends and I want to get back with her. She say its not impossible that we can get back, but she is busy doing the steps in AA at the moment and say she need more time to figure times out. Maybe a part of me is still hoping that Al-Anon can help me fix our relationship. I know that this is wrong thinking of me and Im trying to see things differently. I struggled with many things before I came to Al-Anon. Now I struggle with many new things
Thank you all for being here. Reading stories here at the forum is really helpful. At least I know Im not alone.
Are
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
I can certainly relate to wanting to get better fast!
Have you gotten the literature yet? The daily readers, One Day at a Time and Courage to Change are great. So is How Al-Anon Works.
How Al-Anon Works was the first book I was given at my first meeting and I read it cover to cover. It was a huge help in the beginning. Also reading the Big Book of AA was helpful.
As to when to get a sponsor, there is no time limit. Some will say to sit back and watch and choose someone you relate to or someone you feel has good program. I think having a same sex sponsor is certainly preferrable but sometimes difficult for men in small groups that don't have many men attending. My first sponsor was a woman for that very reason.
A "temporary" sponsor is an alternative too. Just ask someone to help you to get started working the program. When it comes right down to it, anyone that has been going to meetings longer than you is someone who can help you get started. A temp sponsor would be someone you could call and meet outside of meetings to learn more and would give you time to find a permanent sponsor.
Are welcome and glad your here. :) When I got to alanon I wanted to work the 12 steps in 12 minutes then I would be fixed lol.........Its great your going to meetings we have some great ones on line here too as well. Educating yourself on addiction I believe is one of the best things your doing for yourself so that you really know what your dealing with. As far as a sponsor goes it is recommended that that you have a same sex sponsor. My options were limited and I have a male sponsor because I felt like you I needed to get one asap and my group consisted of mostly males and I wanted to move foward. A sponsor is to guide you and walk with you through the steps. It is recommended that you ask someone to sponsor you that "has what u want"...it can take some time to find that person. Listening to shares at my meetings is how I found a sponsor. It is recommened that a sponsor is someone who has a sponsor themselves, and has worked the 12 steps themselves. A sponsor is sort of like a guide :) Keep in mind that sponsoring a person is a big responsibility and if you should ask someone and they are not able to commit to that dont take it personally. Until I could find someone I felt I could connect with I continued to work steps 1 2 and 3 on my own...those are some tough steps lol....and when I got my sponsor and was ready to plow through the steps he told me ...i dont think your ready for 4 yet....some of the wisest words he ever spoke to me was regarding step one...he said..there is getting it...and then there is getting it...and then there is really getting it....you will know when u come across someone you would like as a sponsor...glad your here ty for the post...:)
Thank you for answers. I Think at least I will go to the meeting myself. I only have two books so far. "Paths to recovery, Al-Anon's steps, traditions and concepts" and the Big Book of AA. I will se if I can get hold of more.
I have looked at the steps and can imagine that step 4 is something that is impossible to do alone, but I think also I will need guidance on the three first steps. I understand them, but I don't truely feel them yet.
I also have exams coming up soon that I should read for, and I am worried that I use my time wrong. At least I'm sure that preparing for the exams is only for my own sake.
THanks again
Are
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
Are, The great thing about Al-anon is that there isn't a you have to get a sponsor by this date and you have to be at a certain step by a certain amount of time in the program. Thank God or I would have been kicked out a long time ago :).
My first sponsor was someone who had what I wanted. I really respected her program and her ability to stay in her marriage even though her husband had never shown interest in AA. I thought that was what I needed. She was a great program friend, but wasn't the one for me when it came to sponsorship.
I love my current sponsor. She is excactly what I need in a sponsor. I trust her and really admire her program. For me trust was a huge thing becasue of the 5th step. I wasn't too keen on sharing my dirty laundry ALL of it with someone else. She has been there for me through a lot. She gave me the guidance I needed and helped me to find my own answers. When I told her what I wanted (like the divorce) she helped me to stay strong and was with me throughout that process.
You'll find a sponsor when your ready. When I was ready to look again I prayed about it. We work the steps at my pace and I will tell you something that 5th step wasn't anywhere near as bad as my head had made it into. By the time we got there I was ready for it and trusted her completely.
Keep working it...you're worth it.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Hi. I went to the meeting. New people and new, but familiar stories. Today I noticed that other people with similar experience as myself sometimes manage to put feelings into words. Feelings that I know so well myself, but have not been able to speak of. It's great! Also got my self a copy of "Courage to change - One day at the time in Al-Anon II"
I will keep going to meetings and try to have patience. The meetings does help.
Are
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
Hi Cosmos I don't know if my experience might help you at all. I used to live somewhere that has a limited number of people who could be sponsors. I decided that for a year I would look at the steps myself. 12 steps, 12 months of the year.
What that did for me was to allow me to look at what the steps were and think about them according to my own thinking at the time. I got myself a journal and the Alanon books I had and applied my situation to what I read. It really was quite therapeutic being able to write out MY feelings about what I found.
Of course I could then share in my meetings and ask questions on this forum.
In the meantime I looked around for someone in a different area that I could really relate to. I found someone who seemed to have a similar story to me, but had obviously worked her own program well. I enjoyed her shares. Going to different face to face meetings when possible is brilliant. I know thats not always possible for some.
The problem with going through the steps myself is that I tended to skip over all the painful bits My eventual sponsor was definately needed to begin the process of real recovery.
Sharing personally with an individual is very different to sharing in a group, but my sponsor is in recovery too. She doesn't need to be swamped with my issues. ( although she said my sharing with her helped her keep her stuff in perspective). She isn't an expert or a teacher, she is someone who has alot of personal experience. I think if I had gone to her too quickly I would have wanted to vent all the negatives and not really listened to her experience in the same way as I was able because I learned a bit for myself first. She is not there to do my steps for me or with me. She is there to support me when I find it tough.
Personally I think its quite important if your female to have a female sponser and if male a male one, because during the initial recovery stage a whole range of weird emotions come to the surface that could easily be mixed up with romantic feelings. Hp stuff is all about Love and personal relationship. It does leave us vulnerable for a while. Just my opinion though.
Of course everyone is different and works in a different way. There are no rights and wrongs in Alanon.
Good luck with it all.... Easy does it..... Progress not perfection....Let go and let God It can be hard sometimes to know that HP has his own time. Hes steering the boat. It will happen just as it should for you
I can only ask you the question that was asked of me:
When do you want to get better?
When I came in I went to meetings often, I got a sponsor right away, and finished with the steps in six months and was helping and sponsoring others, and I changed dramatically and so did my life.
There was a number of people who also came in around when I did, the ones that got face to face sponsors and worked the steps? Their lives changed dramatically. (they got new and more exciting and difficult problems, but that's another story hee hee but truthfully those problems were Gold Plated compared to when they showed up)
The ones that didn't, didn't.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I go back to some of those meetings years upon years later and those people who didn't work the steps are sitting at the same meetings, sharing about the same things, with the same problems.
Aloha Cosmos...sounds like you are as driven as I was when I first got into program and then I learned that it was typical for the "over achiever, Mr. Fix-it, Super hero alcoholic saver I was. The faster and harder I worked the more of a wreck I became and honestly I was doing it somewhat for the similar reasons you have stated. If I get well fast I'll get my alcoholic back sooner and not loose her. I didn't loose her, I ended up letting her go as suggested by an early program and sponsor. I went thru withdrawal symptons with that similar to a person coming off of heroin as explained by a nurse in the program when I told her the symptoms. One of the things that help much was the realization, "you didn't get here over night and you won't ge better over night either." They were right. Get humble and allow yourself the opportunity to be taught otherwise you will certainly take over by yourself which you already know hasn't worked. Keep coming back. In support. (((hugs)))
I am now trying to live one day at the time. I think I repeat the serenity prayer 30 times a day. I might not have the right conection with my HP yet, but that prayer mean something to me. I use it when my head start going funny to reming me that the only things I know I can change is things about myself. I have choises every day. Reading for exams in stead of dwelling of why I can't be with my exgirlfriend is one of them. It does not make me feel great, but just a little bit better. And I know that I will feel better when I go to bed if I know I have done what I should which is not necessary the same as what I want or what comes most natural to me.
I know I want to get better. Yesterday at the meeting I listened to a lady who spoke of her problems in the same way as me. Frustration and little disputes with her alcoholic that grew out of proportions because she tried to force her way of thinking on someone else. She is three years in recovery and still do this mistakes? I don't know if she has worked the steps, but I know that I hope I can change more in three years from now.
I don't see the purpose of Al-Anon if all I do is to tell people at the meetings: "I have done so much wrong this week, I should have done it like this and this..." The changes has to work in practice too...
I am greatful for this forum. I do read the other posts, but don't feel on top of things to reply myself yet. I hope that I with time can give something back here too.
Thank you
Are
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
I am so impressed with the actions you have taken so far in this program and the awareness that you have developed.
Taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do, not necessarily what you want to do is huge. Knowing that if you do this you will feel better in the long run is the underlying principle behind the alanon idea of "Taking Care of Yourself"
You mentioned the lady with 3 years in program still doing some of the stuff you do and wondered if working the steps would change this. The answer is that we are all works in progress. Yes working the steps, going to meetings, using the slogans,talking to a sponser all enables us to grow and change.
We are human and like the alcoholic we do SLIP into old patterns. Owning them at meetings and being honest about where we are helps to diminish the harmful effects.
Alcoholism is an incurable disease which we have been effected by. We too get a daily reprieve from the effects as long as we practice this program. If we let up in our practice we will slip . That is why we suggest "Keep Coming Back" I have been in program for over 30 years and still attend meetings.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 10th of May 2010 01:12:32 PM
Hello cosmos its me again would u please slow down your making me dizzy . You said u bought courage to change , 2nd daily reader , whats wrong with the first one ODAT , it is great for beginners helps to straighten out your thinking , especially page on July 14th .. I am teasing cosmos I can relate to your impatience hehe , I am the type of person who always buys plants in full bloom and have no patience with seeds == I want results NOW , well recovery doesnt work like that unfortunatly We have a slogan here called First things First , you say u have exams comming up ,well since that is your future career maybe make them a priority - our head gets full of everything we need to do and i dont know about you but thats when U can bet I will forget something . using this slogan I make a list of things I need to do , then I prioritize the list -what has to be done righth now and what can wait as I do things on the list I scratch them off , putting lines thru the to do list feels soooooooooooo good . We also have a slogan Easy does it check out the index in the back of the daily reader and all pages listed there deal with the slogan , find something u can relate too an do what it suggests to the best of your ability and you will begin to feel better .
If you have a chance get the book mentioned above on this site, getting them sober. That resource will help you tremendously. I take one day at a time for now.
I'm glad you are here.
There is no rule about when to get a sponsor. I do know life is easier with one there is someone to turn to and someone to refer to the steps. I think that's pretty good resource personally.
Look after yourself. This board has helped me tremendously. I hope it will help you too.
My eventual sponsor was definately needed to begin the process of real recovery.