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Hello, I just wanted to write down my thoughts because I've been so depressed lately over my decision.
Starting at the beginning, I was with a kanabis addict for a 6 months (addict from 16 years of age to 24, 3-4 joints a day), until recently I put an end to the relationship, shortly after I began to attend an Al-anon family program (group meeting 2 a week for a month. Now I'm attending regular meetings). This program helped me very much to understand my situation and my own wishes for my future, and I know I took the right decision to end this. this relationship made me very sick (at least more sick than I was) and I seriously thought of hurting my self (jump infront of a car to end up in a hospital) just to know if what he said about loving me, being head over heals for me and wanting to do everything for me was really true. Because, he never did anything to show me that he loved me, the canabis and his smokebuddies were always number one.
Last two months of the relationship I realized I had to do something because crying every single night could not be normal for me, something must be wrong. So I told him not to contact me for a month, I wanted to find out what I really wanted. He lived with me for three months so I told him to find his own place, which he didn't. Slept in motels and at his friends. I decided I wanted to help him IF he went to rehap. (the other 5 months I told him I couldn't be with him unless he would quit, and he did that for a week by himself, which only confirms that he has no control whatsoever over his addiction). the problem is that he doesn't believe that rehap will do anything for him but he said he would do it for me, but I don't believe it will work unless he does it for himself.
After this break I started to make rules, told him to not call me or meet me if he was stoned... he didn't call me for days at a time.... Because of this I backedout of course (stupid), and told him he could call me anytime but not meet me stoned. ...then he began to call me everyday. I was so happy I can't even explain it, he had NEVER called me so often since I met him and we talked about everything and nothing. He told me he was going to rehap after the easter holidays.... He didn't. He got a promotion at work and told me he couldn't go to rehap newly promoted, he would lose his job. He was going to wait until summer.
People are talking about hitting the bottom, and I think I found it when he told me this. I just couldn't go on with this any longer, always worrying and have hopes for something that would maybe or maybe not happen. I knew deep in my heart that if I were to have any kind of happy future I had to cut this. I thought about this for days, until I went for my 3rd or 4th meeting. The concilor just asked how I was feeling today and I just broke down and said I couldn't do this anymore, I didn't want this kind of life, I wanted to change and be happy.
I don't know if I love him or not. I miss him so much that I don't even care that he smokes or not. I just miss his smell and how he hugs me and the way he kisses me. I intentionally take bus number 14 just so I can see his house when it drives by. I'm constantly looking for him the minute I step outside the door. Maybe I'm just addicted to these miserable feelings just like he is addicted to kanabis....knowing that he will feel worse but still wants to hold on to it. It's so hard. So I called him and told him in the forth time that it was over. If he had anything to tell me he could call me later that night at anytime, but after that day I would not answer. He didn't call, but did the day after, crying and saying sorry in the voice mail. It was heartbreaking, but I had to be strong.
I wrote him a letter to explain my feelings, to tell him how serious his condition is and how sad I was that he hadn't gone to rehap. I told him that I loved him and the reason why I did this was his addiction not him and there would be no future for us while he is using drugs. I also told him that I kept my promise about letting him contact me when he went to rehap, only as my friend. Otherwice I didn't want him to contact me because I love him so much that it hurts to see him like that.
Now I don't feel so good. I'm constantly thinking that I said something wrong in the letter, was too much focusing on how the drugs are affecting his life (paranoia, health worries, memoryloss...etc.) and that I didn't tell him clearly enough that I loved him, that I didn't want to do this but I had too. For my future and for my life. It's just so hard to let go like that. I wanted to tell him all this face to face, not in a letter, but than I wouldn't have been true to my words of not contacting him...and what if I had waited for just one more month and he had gone to rehap then?... I can't believe anything he says anymore, as much as I want to I just can't. I just need someone to tell me that...I'm not a failure, that it's alright to not be perfect, that what I did wasn't wrong... I just need to know that he knows how I feel and I don't hate him. I'm just so tired of thinking about this everysingle day, every minute. I'm starting to have headache, which I NEVER have. I want to feel this inner pease...now what I can do to change myself, so I can work on it...
I applaud your wanting to change and realizing that YOU are the one that controls YOUR boundaries... not the other person.
I would set boundaries in the past and the a's in my life would walk all over them and I would cry and play victim.. it's all their fault I set the boundary but they walked all over it.... BLECH!
Today I know that if I need a boundary in a relationship then I have to be the ENFORCER of that boundary... not just say it and expect folks to follow it.
Hard to figure out.... sometimes harder to do but oh so necessary to my recovery and serenity!
again let me say welcome to the boards!
__________________
One Day at a Time I am POWERLESS but not HOPELESS Be sure to BREATHE and SMILE!!!
The disease makes us crazy, we become sicker than the A's without even knowing it, makes us do things no sane person would ever do, makes us question anything and everything we do reguarding the alcoholic or addict in our life. We keep doing the same things over and over and expecting a different results. We try to control them, fix them, convience them, change them. We want them to love us like we love them-------but they can't-------the disease is always in control------you are powerless over his disease and it has made your life unmanageable. Your post screamed that statement over and over again.
I'm glad you are going to f2f meetings. The first thing we are told in those rooms is to "Take Care Of Yourself First". We are told the only person we can change is ourself and we can change for the better by detaching with love, setting boundaries for "ourself" then sticking to them, and using the tools the program gives us. We have to "unlearn" our old ways. Heck, why not?------How has what you have been doing working out for you? I'm sure your answer is the same as mine was----not good nothing changed. That's when I decided to jump head first into the program, accept it, not question it, work it, and make it an everyday part of my life. I live with a very active alcoholic, that's the cards I was dealt, but by working the program, turning her over to my HP and not taking her back, my life has changed for the better. The same thing can happen to you.
The inner peace you have been searching for will come as you continue to work the program and practice the program, and turn your A over to your HP, then get out of HP's way. Nothing you have tried has worked---nothing will. Start taking care of YOU first. You deserve it.
Continue going to f2f meetings, keep coming back to MIP and posting. There are members here with tons of ES&H and they all want you to have what they have, it's called giving back to others what the program has given them.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 8th of May 2010 01:15:10 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 8th of May 2010 01:18:59 PM
Yes, there has never anything good come out of my "old ways" when I think about it... everything you said was so true.
I will continue to go to the meetings, but I'm still trying to find where I belong, finding where I feel most comfortable. I have to learn to not question the program, I'm still so new to all of this, still accepting my own weakness against this disease.
The main problem for me now that I have to overcome is that I feel so sorry for him and for his destiny. Thinking about the good times makes this all worse. I can accept that he has a disease, but I get so angry at the world for making him like that. I know he doesn't want to be like this and it breaks my heart seeing him destroying his life... because if it wasn't for this rotten disease I would have spent all my life with him without a doubt.
Everytime that I asked him "why are you doing this?" when he was rolling a joint, he looked at me so depressed and said "I don't know..." ...and just kept on doing it.
..I'm just so afraid of seeing him one day on the streets, thinner and weaker and lost in high. If that day ever comes I want to be able to face it and know in my heart, REALLY KNOW, that there was nothing I could have done more for him...
sorry, I'm just very emotional now since I couldn't go to my meeting today. I just need to get things of my chest, it's so heavy and tiring to hold all this inside.
And thank you, I'm glad I found this forum, really glad. :)
We have all loved an addict and understand your feelings. The A has many times left me dazed and confused.
I was with the X alcoholic husband for 26 years . It took me that long to finally separate and live a much saner and peaceful existence. What I learned along the journey of living with an A was to truly separate the man from the disease. To see my part in it. To really let go.
You sound like you have a lot of compassion for this man. Dont assume because you part from him that he will be worse off. When I finally did part from the X A, yes he went thru some really low points and almost died a few times, but I stayed away and out of his way. I left him to his HP and the experiences and hope of AA. He is sober today and I am happy for him and happy for me. When I wanted to separate, I wanted a win, win situation. In other words, I couldnt go on if I knew he was suffering. I went to a very wise woman for guidance. She told me, if you stand up and become happy, so he will follow. Thats what I did, and thats what happened.
Stand up Kattab, you deserve to be happy and experience serenity. Don't be dragged around by a tornado called addiction. Keep coming back, because the tools of Alanon will work for you, if you work it. Wishing you courage, strength, hope and wisdom. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 8th of May 2010 04:46:06 PM
Aloha Kattab...You are qualified!! You are going to meetings!! Yay You are becoming aware and making changes!! Yay (we all started from zero and can share how our journey went for us...RLC's ESH is soooo supportive). I remember being at the place you are now and what happened next that helped alot was getting a sponsor. Before I resorted to my own habits and decisions on how to handle a situation with the alcoholic, I'd call my sponsor first and talk and listen and follow thru. Good Luck.
I'm glad you are getting help. Certainly all my feelings, thoughts and obsessions were about the ex A for years and years.
I put everything, absolutely everything on him. I had no idea I was giving all my power away to someone who wasn't able to deal with it. I learned to look for affection and acceptance and direction from outside of myself as a child.
In al anon I learned to stop doing that.
I am so sorry you are feeling desperate, upset and confused. Living around an addict is a very difficult thing. Many of them play cat and mouse, they want us one minute and don't the next. For someone who has abandonment issues that can be paralyzing to deal with.
I am glad you have a counselor and are finding al anon helpful. Remember the chat room here is available and there are many people there all the time. There are also meetings there.
I hope you will choose to embrace some of al anon's tools, focusing on your self in a healthy way (stop beating yourself up and treating yourself so badly) and detachment. Detachment is a tremendous skill. I know its taken me a long time to get some grasp of it but the process was worth it.
