The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just got off the phone with my A. Now he has resorted to being cold and distant. We had a discussion about being honest, last week. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Both of us, not just him. Ya know I work hard at my recovery but he always seems to draw me in to his way of thinking, to make me second think what I stand for. Honesty I know is hard for A's. He had me in tears with his threat of not knowing if he wants this marriage. How dare he put himself in the postion to threaten me. I work hard. I am working my recovery hard. I am honest, I do not cheat, lie, or steal. I am a good person. I am considerate and friendly. When I make a mistake, I admit it, only to have him throw it in my face. That I hurt him! When he hurts me, he apoligizes, says he was wrong and tells me to get over it.......this is really starting to make me so tired.
Of course you are a good person. We are all good and loving people who keep hoping our addicts will get back to the people we fell in love with. I'm in no position to give advice, I don't have my crap together at all. Here's what everyone says to do--focus on yourself not the A, live for yourself not the A. I know, easier said than done. I just got a call from a creditor for my hubby--I lied and said I was his x-wife--said he doesn't live here(which is kind of true) but I told them that he doesn't have a job and asked why they keep extending his credit when he has not paid his bill. I'm sure I should have kept my mouth shut but I'm so sick of him spending so much money(and I mean alot of money) on credit. He doesn't have a job.
Hello Marmare, tired i understand, then its time to quit, quit trying make it all ok, this dosent mean you have to leave the relationship. I guess u have noticed that nothing is ever quite good enough from the A point of view,no matter how hard u try they just keep raising the bar another notch. You are not the problem, yeah we make mistakes and we have a part in this mess too , A's have a nack of turning everything we say and do around to suit them which usually means blaming you. Detach from his attitude don't take his acusations on and walk away from any discussions that involve taking your inventory. Trying to have a relationship with a practicing A is almost impossible some times. learn to expect nothing and you will be just fine. Asimple u could be right when he is taking your inventory ends an argument , or sorry u feel that way and leave the room. it's kinda like a game of ping pong, If one person lets the ball drop the game is over. U do not have to justify or explain how u feel to anyone,you have a right to your opinion and a right to say so. It dosent matter if he agrees or not , it dosen't make you wrong it simply means that you don't agree. (just let it go)
When i was in your situation along time ago i gave our marriage to God and said if this is going to work , your going to have to do it, I Quit . and I got back to focusing on me and my needs. God has solutions I never would have thought of and I have noticed he works alot faster than anything I tried before. hehe.
I loved your sharring the other day on going out for supper man u sure brought back memories for me, eventually I found the courage to say NO to our Fri nite suppers they were such a disaster anyway. Your share had me in stitches as I was reminising some of our nites out . sheeeesh. Your life will get better. look after yourself emotionally and physically and you will be ok.
You may like this little joke I heard along time ago
The A asked his wife to make him some breakfast , he wanted two eggs one fried the other poached, She carfully did as he asked and placed the eggs before him at the table . He threw up his hands and said Damit woman u fried the wrong egg.
Moral of the story is please yourself and at least one of you will have a good day . HA
haha, that's funny about the eggs-- I'll hafta keep that in mind for the day I need to use it as an analogy.. Not being in an intimate relationship right now I don't have to worry about the eggs (or the eggshells) for that matter and I'm VERY happy to say it feels GREAT not to have the stress in my life. :)
