The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm on this setting my boundaries kick with the A = ) After finally getting a restraining order from him he knows I'm serious (at least I hope so)... After 3 weeks of not seeing or talking to one another I just allowed him to start seeing the children (not overnight) so obviously there is now some type of contact with one another...
I guess my question is how much of a fight did you have to go through in regards to your A when setting boundaries? I do feel stronger on fixing me and detaching myself from his issues...
Ugh.. I don't know what I'm trying to say = (
Lol - Thanks for letting me share that = )
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEMCLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.
The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too.
I got those guidelines from the chat room years ago, another member shared them with me nc I didnt know how to make a boundary. I had ones regarding myself financiall, physically, sexually but I did not have any emotional boundaries at all. I did not know that I could say, "I wont be spoken to like that" - if someone was being abusive/mistreating me - I thought I just had to take it. Also, in practising self love and self care, I no longer believe certain negative things - that others might say to me, like Im no good or not owrth it, bc today I know I am, the words have no meaning bc I no longer see myself that way. When I did not love me and I neglected myself, Id belive every horrible thing said - other people trying to project their poor sense of self onto me.
So, the boundaries are for you, not for the other person. For me it was a plan of action to take - to remove myself from an abusive or toxic situation. You cannot make up boundaries like rules and expect others to "be obedient" doing ur will. It is for you to protect yourself.
So, there will be conflict, most A's hate change and they want all of your attention on them, so u will take the blame for their behavior and u will keep enalbing them in their disease. Most A's are totally inapropriate and will try to run over your boundaries - it is up to you to set them and keep them - no one respects and empty threat and it wont help you to empower yourself. Dont set a boundary that you arent willing to follow through on, for YOU.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My ESH is that I wasn't that great at it in the beginning. There were a lot of readjustments, still are. When I let someone go over my boundaries I know it now. I used to know it years and years later.
