What Is Emotional Detachment ? - Al-Anon Family Group

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

What Is Emotional Detachment ?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha RLC...I'm gonna be watching the responses to this one my self. Emotional
Detachment for me reminds me that there are 4 levels to the disease that are
affected or can be affected all at the same time...mind, body, spirit and emotions.
In emotional detachment I choose not to participate in the drama or other non
supportive (of peace of mind and serenity) emotions as they arrive. My emotions
affect the other 3 levels of my health. If I don't detach from the negative then
the consequence will affect my thinking, my physical system and my motivation
for life. Now I'm listening (((((hugs))))) smile

PS. after a while you learn to keep it with you at all times not only when dealing
with the disease, his or hers. There are many times I gotta pull it out of the tool
box and use it.

-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 4th of May 2010 05:52:23 PM

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm still pretty new here. But what I have been doing as far as "emotionally detaching" is: I don't check up on him, I don't remind him of meetings, I don't
look for bottles, I am working on myself and leaving his issues up to our HP and
himself.

Hopeless · Senior Member

I'm new at this as well but for me I use it to detach from trying to figure out why this is happening?!! Not taking what he does when not sober personally... Knowing I've done every thing I've possible could.... Basically not blaming myself or internalizing his diease..

Not sure if that is the correct form of emotional detachment?

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

I like Hopelerss' descrip[tion of "not internalizing his disease" that makes sense to me.

My emotional detachment started and continues to contain alot of reality actions, no checking up on any A, no falling into a drama or pity or savior act ... strangely enough emotional detachment means I get to be emotional and not be a silent victim I just have to follow my own boundaries as to the when part (not engaging any debate or issue with someone drinking). That last one may be why I like Hopeless' description so much.

Internally, emotional detachment means that I truly accept I am not in control or responsible for my As or their actions. No guilt over not doing enough. It means I get to love someone without having their every action be the meter of how I am today. In some ways I have always thought that emotional detachment should have been named emotional reattachment for me ... I detached emotional from external sources but I reattached emotionally to ME!

I don't really know how to describe the process of it. one trick I use even just running into someone who is in a bad mood (I have this theory that in order to get rid of that bad mood alot of people have to give it away to another person .. ever notice a grouchy person make another person grouchy and all of a sudden they are in a better mood?) anyway I kind of visualize a bulletproof glass shield between us. Sending those little anger or any other negative emotion bouncing away. Sounds silly in words but it helps me ALOT.

Jen

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

for me it means I dont; play the games anymore , learning to not react but responding instead , remembering this is not about me .
Not to argue with a disease and as long as they are putting anything into thier body drugs , alcohol it is disease that is talking .
Not to suffer financially or otherwise because of his actions , take care of things myself , pay the morgage , food etc .
Learning to walk away from those ( poor me ) talks we used to have and learning to say I am sorry u keep hurting yourself so much , leave the disease with him where it belongs .
Learning to have no expectations , but to speak up and say how I feel
If I didnt cause the problem i no longer feel the need to fix it .
I can be happy regardless of what he is doing . and learning to
BLOOM WHERE YOUR PLANTED .
I learned to not rescue , and allow him the dignity to find his own way .

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Accepting I cant change or control another person.

Allowing the other person the freedom & dignity to be themselves.

Stepping out of the insanity with compassion, not indifference.

In doing this I have learned.......

I can change and nurture me

I can maintain my dignity and self worth.

I can detach with love.

All of the above have brought me a calmness in my soul that crept up on me when I wasnt looking!!

Thanks RLC ..........its been good for me to write this down, to show me where I am now compared to where I was.....

((((Hugs)))

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Detachment for me is fairly straightforward. It means I am no longer emotionally enmeshed with others. I dont rescue or fix their crises for them. I own my emotions and my actions. I dont take on their emotions anymore.

I consciously practise focusing on me, while simultaneously detaching with love from others. I give them respect, love and space and even though we can share and chat and relate, but we are seperate entities. My disease is focusing on and enmeshing with others, today as long as I focus on me, it doesnt happen - I know where I start and stop and a big part of that was due to setting and following through on boundaries for myself.

I guess simply it means, I dont own your stuff today, my responsibility is to live my best life and own my stuff.

Hopeless · Senior Member

I just had to practice this type of detachment last night, lol! The A got snippy with me (has a major problem with "it's not what you say it's how you say it syndrome")... Was I consumed with anger YES but I used this tool to calm my emotions down and 5 minutes later I was fine = )

ythannah · Senior Member

kitty wrote:

I own my emotions and my actions. I dont take on their emotions anymore.

That's basically what detachment is starting to look like for me. (I'm kinda new to this, so still working on some of these concepts)

That means I don't accept blame for drinking -- because I didn't cause it! -- or guilt about not rescuing/enabling.

My ADad likes to needle me when he's been drinking. So, instead of getting caught up in arguing or defending myself, I have a mental sign (it looks quite like a construction sign, lol) that says "DO NOT ENGAGE".

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.