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I've read through the message board before, just as a lurker, though. I thought I could "be strong" and deal with this as well as supporting my AH's sobriety. I was so wrong...
I don't know where to begin, so I'll start here. My husband hit rock bottom right before Thanksgiving and started attending AA meetings, 2 a week, on a pretty regular basis. When he started he knew it was the only way I would remain in the marriage. Things were so good! I caught him red-handed twice falling (jumping?) off track, but in a regular world, they wouldn't be considered major offenses (once was a full beer before he realized he needed to stop and the second was a few sips when he walked away). He was honest with me about it which was a step in the right direction. Last night he flung himself off the wagon and it was like any possible progress he made over the past 5 months was gone. Honestly, I think he'd been slipping and lying/denying for several weeks. Last night, at first he lied but when I pulled out the breathalizer he sort of came clean. He admitted to having a couple beers with a friend. But it was more than a couple of beers...way more. He wreaked of alcohol and could hardly talk. Thank God we sold his car so he had to take public transportation home.
He's still lying to me today even though he's sober and I have proven every excuse he's made to be a lie. I have not raised my voice and even thanked him for the partial honesty. I know we're supposed to remove ourselves from the situation, but I just haven't figured out HOW to do that. I can't stop worrying about him and about our family and future. When he started AA it was to keep me in the marriage, but I realize now that was for the wrong reason. I know he gets a lot out of the meetings, but I am pretty sure he's still in denial as to the severity of his condition.
We are purchasing his parents house. Because of the sticky financial situation we were in, we wouldn't have been able to get a mortgage, but we figured out some creative financing that, thanks to the generosity of his parents, we are now in a much better financial position...this is a life changing thing for us. We have so much to look forward to...but at the same time, I so indebted to his family in so many ways, he knows I could never leave him now. So that motivation that had gotten him to commit to sobriety is gone.
I love this man with all my heart. When he's sober he's an amazing man, awesome husband and fabulous stepdad. He has a Godly heart and a strong faith. When he's sober we have a wonderful life together. When he's sober, he's my rock and my number one fan. When he's drunk, he's not obnoxious or mean. But he becomes a liar, a thief (hence the rock bottom situation in November) and just does stupid stuff that are so against his nature that I don't even recognize him.
How should I handle it when he jumps off the wagon? I want to support his sobriety but I don't want to be a push over. I want to show him "tough love" but I don't want to alienate him completely. I've read that I should separate myself from the situation....but how? How do I stop worrying even when he's sober that he'll stay that way? How do I do this? I know I can't change him or fix him. I know I am powerless over his disease. But I do want to support his sobriety.
"Supporting his sobriety" isn't entirely something you can do or not do, the way I understand it. Sure, you could have open bottles of beer lying around the house and that would definitely not be supporting his sobriety. But in normal life, sobriety has to be something he does with the help of his AA group, his sponsor and his HP. The way you can make the family healthier is to work on your own recovery, find an Al-Anon group, start working the steps, get a sponsor, keeping coming here...
Telling him that if he doesn't get sober, the marriage won't work isn't an unreasonable step to me, provided that you're doing it because it's true and not as a manipulative tool to induce him to stop. It's important that he knows the true consequences of his drinking. And whether you leave him or not, if he keeps drinking, it's bad for the family.
I know the lying so well -- it comes with the territory. And the policing. Eventually you end up as his mother and his parole officer rolled into one. That's an odd kind of marriage. My ex said, "Hey, if you want to trust me, just give me a breathalyzer test every night before we get into bed." What a romantic idea! Not. Also it doesn't matter -- he could nip away and have a swig right after every breathalyzer -- as he did when the police fitted one on his car. The hard truth is that around 75% of alcoholics never achieve sobriety.
But you say that really you could never leave, because -- you're indebted to his family? You're in a complicated financial situation? I used to have many watertight reasons I could never leave -- I had promised not to, I was not a "quitter," I had to support him... The truth was that I was addicted to him and afraid I couldn't handle being on my own. Eventually things got so bad that I did leave, and to my astonishment, I found it was much, much easier than being with him. Those years of dysfunction had worn me down until I didn't see how much I had compromised to stay with him. I had compromised nearly everything.
Everyone's situation is different. The most powerful weapon is to learn everything you can about alcoholism, to work on your own recovery, and to keep coming back. Change doesn't happen overnight, but it happens and it's good.
-- Edited by Mattie on Monday 3rd of May 2010 04:03:16 PM
Welcome to the board. Its seems so complicated doesnt it. We have all been where your at with your living with an A. We have felt the frustration, confusion and devastation that this disease of alcholism can bring into your life. Like living with two people isnt it. I was with the A for 26 years and it brought much misery into my life. I am thankful to Alanon and my higher power for all the great stuff in my life. Yes 26 years was a long time to be with the A, not all was bad, there were some wonderful memories too. I guess the best way to describe it is a roller coaster ride. The last 5 years of our marriage was pure hell, it progressed so badly. Thats what alcholism does if not stopped, it progresses until they go insane or die. We can lose our sanity also and become just as sick as them. This is a disease that will mow down anyone in its path. It is the compulsion to drink that drives it.
So what you have to do to get your self feeling better , because when there lives become unmanageable, so do ours, if we let it. See if you can go to a face to face Alanon meeting , come here as often as you can. Read the Alanon material, read the steps, study the steps, become familiar with the first step "We are powerless over the Alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable" keep reading that step until you fully understand it. We do not have power over their drinking " You are wasting your breath and energy trying to get an inventory on how much they drink, if they have had a drink, if they plan to drink, we have to learn to detach emotionally, with love or you will drive yourself insane. Please keep coming back because this program works. You came because your were at a loss as to what to do. Your in the right place. I wish you strength and courage and wisdom. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 3rd of May 2010 04:10:19 PM
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). I am glad you finally decided to post.
It is not unusual for someone to go to an AA meeting that has been drinking. Mine did. Some go out and drink after meetings. But for that moment and time they are where they should be. The seed might be planted and it might grow. Addicts have such low self esteem that when they relapse that they have a hard time forgiving themselves. His meetings is where he will find the support he needs.
The best way you can support his recovery is by working at your own recovery. Get to some face to face meetings. Be with people who have been and are right where you are. Your recovery has to be about you and for you regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong. I was blessed to have the sweetest, kindest most loving man. This disease took him away in more ways than one. He was a quiet drunk. He had a tremendous heart. Ironically this disease did not kill him, but it would have had he continued. I am so glad I found this site and my way to meetings. It gave me the tools I needed to cope. It gave me the tools I needed to make the decisions that were in the best interest of me. It gave me the tools I needed to be strong. It gave me the tools I needed to live. It will also do the same for you. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Welcome to alanon and MIP. When I got here, I grew up in dysfunction, so acting like a codependent enabler was like air to me, it was programmed from childhood and it was my norm. I fixated on my family, parents and bf's. I wished they would change, I worried for them ~ all of which was a royal waste of energy and about thirty years. The truth is -- YOU are the only one you can control or change.
A's need enalbers, someone willing to accept their blame and take responsibility for them. When we do this and focus on them, we are losing ourselves. The best way to combat the disease for both of you - is to focus on YOU (not what he is or is not doing), detach from his behavior, issues, emotions, whims & attitudes. This takes practise of course, like all of program does but it gets easier when you do. It is a process, just like life.
Any time I projected into the future, what iffed about it, it brought up tremdenous amounts of fear for me. That is bc no one knows what the future holds. Reality is right now, not yesterday or tomorrow. Right now you can do something different and make a change. Right now you can do something that will allow you to feel better about yourself and your situation.
I sometimes still can get focused on my bf, and when I do - I get depressed and feel helpless - that is bc I am helpless to change anyone but me. Focus on YOU and what you can do. Allow him the dignity to experience his condition and make decisions for himself.
I know how tempting it is to argue with them - but- when an A argues with us, they are in a fight with us, it is not about the disease - they are so habituated to protect thier disease and deny and lie to themselves about it. You cannot convince someone of something, u cannot give them an idea or enlightenment, it has to come within between them and their HP. Fighting with them, takes us away from us and it feeds the disease.
Focus on you and give ur worries/fears to HP/God and do what you can do. Practise self love and self care. You are worth your own good loving. As humans, we are all alone together - this is the human walk for us all. HP is always waiting for you to surrender and give your troubles over. Be in NOW and enjoy your life. Take care of you, whatver that looks like.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I would agree with others that the best way you can deal with any situation that arises is to work the program. Detaching will help you tremendously as will getting busy! The busier you are the less you are able to be overinvolved. As someone who over involved myself my whole lifetime I'd say that when you do work the program tools believe me your A will probably not be too happy. A's get something out of being the center of attention when that shifts there is a reaction.
Thank you all so much! I think my biggest struggle is figuring out how to detach without alienating the marriage altogether. I mean I still enjoy spending time with my husband when he's not drinking. The majority of the past several months have been great because he felt strong and able to commit to sobriety. So is it totally detaching myself from him or just detaching from the drinking, i.e. stop trying to smell his breath, asking if he had a drink, confronting him when he has... Do I ignore it? Or do I at least let him know that I know and leave him to himself to deal with it?
JW, I responded to you in PM but I wanted to add that, I personally did not experience any detachment, until I first set and followed through on boundaries for me and was actively focusing on changing just me.
Yeah, I would stop creating opportunities for him to lie to you (by confronting) and stop snooping on him, poplicing him just feeds the disease and takes you away from being able to empower YOU, the only one you can control & change.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You wrote "He's still lying to me today even though he's sober and I have proven every excuse he's made to be a lie."
I spent so much time trying to prove the lies into truth funny thing is I was so busy proving myself right and my exah a liar that I forgot that he did not need proof, he already knew. And to be honest so did I most of the time and when I didn't, well it would actually be nice now to not have known those things. Even though I want to say I needed to prove the lies were lies what I was really doing was playing my role in the cycle, punishing my A. If I proved it was a lie then "what difference does it make you will never trust me again I might as well drink" if I proved it true then "see you don't trust me even when I am doing everything right you still think I am lying or whatever" Either way the relationship suffered and communication went downhill. Theory of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
Detachment did not mean I left my A, just that I stopped my every waking moment focusing on him and whether or not he was drinking or lying or stealing. And I had permission to be whatever emotion I actually was not the one I should be feeling depending on what he did or did not do that day Hurray! A good way to start isto focus on yourself even just for little bits of time, a b ath, a book to get lost in, meetings. Eventually I did have to leave my A. While I got better he got much worse. Even now detachment helps with unavoidable contact with him and in other situations.
). I am glad you finally decided to post. 
I was blessed to have the sweetest, kindest most loving man. This disease took him away in more ways than one. He was a quiet drunk. He had a tremendous heart. Ironically this disease did not kill him, but it would have had he continued. I am so glad I found this site and my way to meetings. It gave me the tools I needed to cope. It gave me the tools I needed to make the decisions that were in the best interest of me. It gave me the tools I needed to be strong. It gave me the tools I needed to live. It will also do the same for you. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Hurray! A good way to start isto focus on yourself even just for little bits of time, a b ath, a book to get lost in, meetings. Eventually I did have to leave my A. While I got better he got much worse. Even now detachment helps with unavoidable contact with him and in other situations.