The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been a part of my community's Alanon program for about nine months now and it has done nothing short of transforming my outlook on life and my situation. It seems like there are some really seasoned and knoweldgeable Alanon-ers here so I was hoping to get some insight on this looming event that's been plaguing my thoughts. My alcoholic fiance just started going to AA a month ago and had been sober up until this past weekend. He's a groomsmen in a wedding coming up in late May and we just received the itinerary. The three day weekend is pretty much going to be a booze fest with all his old frat brothers. He was really upset reading all of the drinking plans for the weekend and how he wouldn't be participating in most of it (according to him).
My question is this: right now my fiance is saying he won't be drinking during this weekend. This isn't my first rodeo though and I know it will be a massive, if not impossible, feat for him NOT to drink all weekend with all the pressure and all of the old social situations he's been staying away from. I want to go and be optimistic that things will be ok, and lovingly detach if he does decide to drink. But in my heart I don't think I've come that far along where I can be ok for an entire weekend of him being wasted and out of control. I don't want to make a scene and I don't want to put myself in a situation where I'm taking steps back in my progress with the program. Should I go to this weddding and be supportive or should I just stay away from it????
I am in no way 'recovered' enough to give advice but I will share the first thing that popped into my head reading your post. Take two cars and if he makes a choice to drink you have the choice to leave. FWIW
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One Day at a Time I am POWERLESS but not HOPELESS Be sure to BREATHE and SMILE!!!
I agree with Adonaisgirl, that this is a perfect time to have a "Plan B".
Plan A naturally would be to attend the wedding, be positive and enjoy the weekend.
Plan B will kick in if he drinks and you are uncomfortable. You decide what you would like Plan B to look like. With this plan in mind you will be confident that what ever happens you will be OK.
Take AlAnon telephone #s with you and remember the slogans that work Live ODAT, Keep the Focus on Yourself, Do NOt Project, Live and Let Live
Hello and welcome , ask yourself if you would enjoy this wedding , if the answer is yes , go and like suggested take a vehicle of your own so u can leave anytime u want .. Yur not responsible for his behavior if he decided to make an ass out of himself so be it . Alcohol is everywhere , we would feel better if we could wrap them in bubble wrap to protect thier sobriety , but we cant do that .. sobriety is a choice they make . Enjoy the wedding and let it all unfold the way its supposed to .. Louise
I do believe weddings bring up a tremendous amount. Can you process what they bring up for you. If you don't have a sponsor now is a good time to get one.
Weddings brought up a lot for me about what kind of relationship I was in. I know that now I would very much limit the time I spent there. I would also closely watch my expectations.
Personally if a recovering alcoholic is still thinking in terms of what they "can't do" they are in deep trouble and need as much help as they can get. No doubt your fiance is talking about this issue in his AA groups. I don't doubt he will get some assistance there.
I've done both gone to weddings with an alcoholic and not gone to the wedding with the alcoholic. All I can say is that both actions brought up a tremendous amount for me.
Should I go to the wedding and be suportive or should I just stay away from it ??
When I read your post what came to mind was the first thing I heard when I walked in the doors of Al-Anon. Always take care of yourself first. Take all the clutter and what if's out of the senario and be objective and honest with yourself and you will find the answers you need. One of your answers might have come this past weekend when you stated your alcoholic "sober" fiance is not "sober" anymore. Listen with your eyes. My guess is that between now and time for the wedding you will be able to make the right decision for yourself and your serenity. A voice in your head will tell you what is the right thing for you to do. Listen closely it could be HP talking.
I'll end as I started-----As long as you take care of yourself first-----You can't go wrong.
He has entered a recovery program. AA will tell him to call a fellow AA when tempted, call a sponsor, and find meetings to go to regardless of the itinerary. IF he wants to choose not to drink.
We are told to not futurize but we are also told to have a Plan B for ourselves.
Love your name! Welcome to the fabulous MIP family. We are quite the unique family. Like all families we have our quirks & foibles but we are a loving fun suportive bunch of people.
Recovery is a choice for both the addict and codependent. I like having a back up plan. If this is an out of town wedding and you have to stay at a hotel take the numbers of a local Alanon group. He could also take the numbers of an AA group. How he chooses to handle himself is up to him. We have no control over the addict. We do have control of how we react to the situations. Concentrate on how you feel in the moment. If you are uncomfortable at the wedding, then you can leave. If you are having fun and enjoying yourself and want to stay, then do so. The choice is up to you. Life is too short not to have fun even if he is drinking. Stay in the moment and take it one moment at a time. All will be well. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks so much for the responses! My Alanon group is quite small (5 people) so it's nice sometimes to come here for more perspectives and experiences. I have devised the following plan for myself:
1) If my fiance says he plans on drinking at the wedding then I will not attend. 2) If he says he will not drink and we attend any festivities beside the actual ceremony, I will bring a separate car.
I feel really good about those plans and think it is definitely the "ME" choice. I think someone who responded was right, that this is a big event. I feel like it may be a turning point in our relationship. Some people can still be perfectly happy having two cars to go to social functions, but I am not one of them. For now, I just feel like I'm travelling down a road with lots of interesting scenery. Each day I stop to look at my surroundings and focus on the immediate path ahead. But I know where the path ends, and that's away from the rollercoaster life of living with an alcoholic.
In spite of the pain, anger and all other negative emotions this person who I love dearly has brought me, I am grateful for him. I have done more growing in this past year than I ever imagined. I know ME better. I know my strength. And at the end of each day I am still happy because I choose to be.
Thanks again, everyone, it's so good to know we are not alone.
I should add that I did the not attending the event choice. When the ex A's mother suddenly got married out of the blue, I chose not to go to the reception. Needless to say that didn't go down too well with the mother or her family. That eventually came back to haunt me when I asked the mother for help when the ex A crashed and burned.
Whatever route I chose, going to a wedding with an alcoholic (with no boundaries then ) or choosing not to go there were repercussions. If I had had a sponsor to work with I would not have felt so disappointed, angry and resentful at either choice.
Welcome to the fabulous MIP family. We are quite the unique family. Like all families we have our quirks & foibles but we are a loving fun suportive bunch of people. 