The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I think that I am better as the time goes on. I finally think that i can move on. My ex A still around, but he does not affect me as before. Now I have the choice to tell him to leave the house whenever i feel that it is getting to me. I still have issues like insecurities. No one will think that about me since I am a professional and with some degree of authority at work but, yes i am feeling very insecure at work and in my personal life too especially, with men that seek my company. I don't want any new relationship however it is difficult to stay single for so long> I still do not know what to do regarding this issue.
Staying single for me was practicing not making the wrong decisions about partners which I was sooo in the habit of and also it gave me time to learn how to love myself and get rid of the neediness.
Meetings, sponsor, steps, traditions, literature and highes of all...Higher Power.
For me, I love being single, I thrive on it. But, when an advance is made I too get very uncomfortable then used to slide into "what if's", fantasizing, changing to please them, and offering more than I should right away. I found that taking some time off from that and learning to say "no" and then practicing getting to know someone and letting them get to know me was important. Even more important, being secure in who I am and if they don't like it, so be it.
The neat thing about that path is I found out I really didn't want them in my life. Taking it slow let me see who they were before I jumped in up to my neck and then wouldn't leave out of guilt and fear. I got to practice "this just isn't for me" and while still uncomfortable, SO much easier than hanging on for dear life to something I didn't want in the first place.
I have reunited with my A after a year + apart and these news skills I am practicing have helped me with this as well. Taking it slow, watching our relationship and how I feel instead of getting lost in it. It truly is one day at a time and what will be will be. Complete 180 to how I used to be in relationships. I too am a career woman who on the outside appears to be powerful and in control. But truly it was not that way, tough on the outside - jello on the inside - and lost in how to love myself and have others love me. Doing the steps with a sponsor and a LOT of research about relationships, codependency, and love addiction helped me move forward with faith in who I am and take it slow with my eyes open.
Great stuff!
I am so glad you are still here. Please keep coming back and sharing with us.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
China, I am in much the same position as you -- educated professional with high-level decision-making responsibilities. However, my job is the only area of my life where I have any self-confidence. In my personal relationships, I'm still much the same insecure, unlovable, unworthy little kid I learned to be in my A parents' home.
I quite enjoy the freedom of being single, but then beat myself up for lacking the missing ingredient that everyone else seems to have that allows them to have successful, loving relationships. How come everyone else is able to get this right, and I can't?
On the other hand, I'm well aware that I'm an absolute magnet for A's and addicts, which is enough to make me wary of any guy that comes on too strong, too fast.
I've thrown myself into learning and working the Al-Anon program, with the hope that I will eventually become a person for whom a healthy relationship is possible. Because all of my past relationships have been quite disastrously unhealthy.
Knowing that I don't want to be a partner in a bad relationship again keeps me from wanting to make the attempt before I've gained some strength and insight.
In the intro of The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage (CAL), it says Al-Anon is "a personal reorientation process", and that describes perfectly how I feel about what I hope to accomplish. To fix the interactions that I have with others in intimate relationships, I first have to fix ME.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
